From a contact form email
BD was november 2012 and since Jan last year H(55) is living with OW.We have had a
lot of drama and I have detached completely.
OW is 21 yrs younger and is 8 mths pregnant. H has decided to file.However I am
still waiting for the court papers.
We have 3 children 24,22 and 10.
I am a stander and believe that H has to go thru’ the process .
I have not read many cases with a pregnancy in the mix.Is there hope in these cases?
Your thoughts on the above.
LBS
Dear LBS,
There really aren’t many mid-life crisis cases that involve a pregnancy, but as long as there is love, there is hope. While that sounds like such a “trite” kind of answer, it’s the truth. There are added components to overcome in cases of pregnancy–such as an innocent life brought into this world that didn’t ask to be here, but is here, regardless.
I’m currently observing a situation at this time that involves this kind of aspect of pregnancy–commonly called the “other” child, born to the other woman. Actually I’ve seen a few of these kinds of mid-life crisis cases, and the results of each one haven’t been the same. However, everyone has a choice, and in this case, just like in all others, the left-behind spouse can decide in the case of physical adultery, regardless of pregnancy or not, whether to move forward on their own, and exit the marriage legally, or decide to continue standing and eventually learn to overcome all aspects associated with the physical affair, regardless of whether the affair produces a child, or not.
With that said, you’d have to ask yourself this one question: If there came a time when you chose to take this man back, could you overcome this aspect of a child that would never go away?
This is actually the first obstacle you would be called upon to overcome within yourself. Some people can accept what’s happened, and with time, love and forgiveness, make room within their hearts and families for this child that’s here through no fault of his/her own. Some people can’t accept this “other child”, and IF they choose to take back the adulterer, regardless if it’s true MLC or not, they seek to always hold this mistake over their spouse’s head as a kind of emotional leverage, and that would smack of unforgiveness, vindictiveness, and would be a sin against the adulterous spouse. It would also mean the left-behind spouse is refusing to heal from their own pain, refusing to face their own anger, and in time, the marriage would come to a point of barely surviving on its own.
Some, regrettably, end up taking out their hurt and anger on the “other” child, as emotional abuse is dished out, and even that is wrong to do.
What some people don’t realize is the “other child” represents a mistake that has to be lived with for the remainder of the mid-life spouse’s life, and one would not ever have to say a word about it–just look at the result, because it would always be right there. It takes a lot of strength to not only be able to forgive an adulterous spouse for their weakness, but also for this additional aspect.
If you feel that you cannot accept this “other child,” you might as well figure out something else, because that child isn’t going to just disappear, and the other woman in question would always remain in the picture somewhere, even though your husband could eventually breakdown and process through his affair processing phase..this is based on the assumption he will choose to want to return to you at some point.
What he did was NEVER about you in the first place–it was all about HIM..his weakness, that led into his mistake, his selfishness, that led him into committing physical adultery, his wrong choices, that led to the other woman’s pregnancy.
I am assuming that you also realize that he’s speaking of divorcing you so he can do the “right” thing by this other woman–and it’s most likely that she is pushing him to get a divorce by appealing to his “honor”–of course, this is without any thought of his already-existing family; all of whom were there long before he fell to temptation, therefore they would come first before the other child.
However, what the other woman might want and what he actually does may not be what happens–in other words, she may pour on the pressure, but he may not decide to get a divorce–and you might see him come running back toward you in an effort to escape the additional responsibility he has helped create.
Because the other woman has allowed herself to get pregnant in order to try and snare this man she wants to keep, she thinks she has made sure she will keep her hooks in this man. In a blunt sort of way, and we are ALL adults here, you know that immature women like this, are often notorious for pulling this kind of trick on a man.
Don’t get me wrong, the mid-life man is responsible too, because he is just as much at fault as she is–for committing physical adultery in the first place, and for being irresponsible about using protection, not just for the purpose of protecting himself from sexually transmitted diseases, but also protecting himself from unwanted and unneeded pregnancy.
However, there would come a time when the man the other woman has trapped so efficiently (she thinks), will wake up to himself, what he’s done, and begin looking to return home, although it all takes time to happen.
Quite honestly, I would NOT think that much of a man who would seek to abandon, sweep under the carpet, and try to emotionally “bury” the child that HE helped produce through this act of adultery. He cannot seek to solely blame the other woman for this same child, because he bears that same burden of responsibility that she does….both of them, through their own lust, and stupidity, have made a serious mistake–and that child will pay a great deal for their sin.
From Contact Form–Lynda: Is this a midlife crisis?
Sorry in advance for how long this is.
I was married 22 years this past December, my husband is 45 & I am 43 with a 21 yr old son & an 18 year old daughter. I don’t know what to do, looking for hope but I am just not sure if this is a midlife crisis & I should hold on with patience and love. Here goes……
**In my humble opinion, it never matters what kind of problem comes up within a marriage, your marriage vows stated for better or for worse. Unless your partner is putting your life in danger, there is something to be said for standing for the promises you made when you got married.
Also, in my very humble opinion, you don’t leave your partner in a fire, and whether it’s a mid-life crisis, or not, you should never leave unless you do everything you know how to do to pull your marriage out of the fire.
This is what I believe, and I have lived through this for myself.
November 2012 after a family vacation we stop at my husbands veterinarian office to pick up our dogs. I see him hug his technician thru the window. Something just wasn’t right. We get home & I confront him. He said nothing was going on, just friends, etc. Huge fight & he left for the night. He came home the next night. Said he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married, doesn’t know who he is…..has feelings for her he is controlling. I check phone records & he was texting her continuously when they weren’t at work.
**It’s apparent he was involved in an emotional affair, and because his feelings were transferring from you to his technician, AND you confronted him–his carefully compartmentalized worlds crashed, and began burning–the things he said about not being sure about wanting to be married, doesn’t know who he is, clearly evidenced his confusion of self, but because he still wanted you ,too, he started controlling circumstances to try and keep things as they were. However, since you’d found out, things had changed, and they weren’t about to go back to what they were, things went downhill further in this area.
We start marriage counseling, stated intimate, says he is confused, but completely stops texting her. We continued counseling thru July 2013. Things seemed fairly normal other than rh occasional deleted text to her.
**He was still addicted to how she made him feel, so he still contacted her on occasion, and tried to hide it from you..
December 2013 he got extremely depressed, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Started saying again he couldn’t see his future, asking is this all there is……yet insisted it was not between us. No texts to the tech, yet he doesn’t want me at his work Christmas party.
**It’s apparent he was struggling between what was right, and what he wanted. Since he worked with this woman, he still had contact with her there at work–he wanted you, but also wanted her. There was a huge emotional battle going in within himself, because he was trying to still have both worlds, but at the same time, he knew it couldn’t work. He didn’t want you at his work Christmas party, because she would be there, and he was wanting to be with her without you asking a lot of questions that he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer.
Jan 12, 2104 his Bday……miserable! I finally said get out & get your head on straight. I am SO sorry I said that. He says now he would’ve never left if I hadn’t pushed him out. He called the tech, took his wedding ring off & started texting her continuosly again……even in the middle of the night. He moved out Jan 21, got a DUI on the 25th.
**He was miserable, because he was still trying to have both women, and he acted out in this fashion to force your hand–he was too weak to leave himself, and he didn’t want to take responsibility for leaving himself, so he set up the conditions, and you played right into this…so, now he blames YOU for “making” him leave–when actually it was pure manipulation on his part. In one sense he would be right, because as long as you didn’t do anything, he couldn’t find the emotional strength to walk out, but in quite another he would be wrong, because regardless of what you did to throw him out, and why you did it, HE is STILL the only one who is responsible for ripping his marriage apart, and what one sows in destruction, they will reap in worse destruction.
He took off his wedding ring, because in his mind, there was no point in “pretending” any more–at the time he bombed you with all of his talk, he had already ended the marriage in his mind, to try and “become single” again–but all that did was make matters worse, because of his own guilt and shame.
Now…..4 months later, he is in love. He’s serious about her, filed for divorce & can see his future with her & her son. Says he has been considering divorce for years, didn’t leave me for her, but he has NEVER been happier.
**He is NOT “in love” with her–he can’t love anyone, not even himself-he doesn’t even know what love IS–he’s IN a Mid-Life Crisis! Oh, and he’s rewriting marital history to justify what he’s about to do. He left you for her, regardless of what you did to kick him out….Oh, and for what’s worth, he will eventually wake up to what he’s done. It’s only a matter of time before he does.
As for you, well, all you can do for right now, is take your own journey forward for yourself let him go to do what he thinks he needs to do, leave him in the hands of God, and move forward for yourself.
I read your website all the time but I don’t see a situation quite like mine.
Thank you!!!!!!
**As for me, I HAVE seen several situations like yours, with some variances–in each situation, given some time, in each situation, the mid-life spouse “woke up” to what they had done, and tried to return to the left-behind spouse.
There is not one thing you can do except live your life forward, detach, and leave this man in the hands of God, and look toward the future. In time, I believe this man will wake up to himself, realize what a mistake he made, and possibly try to return to you.
Make sure you’re NOT in the same emotional place he has left you in–take the advice, get on your journey, and walk it into wholeness and healing for yourself. You can do nothing for him, but everything for yourself.
I hope everything works out.
((hugs))
