This is from “Love.” Her comments are in bold font, mine answers will remain in regular font.
These are my thoughts for what they are worth. I always tell people take what you need and leave the rest.
Your site is dearly a blessing. Thank you.
My husband dropped the bomb Oct 11 and ran away in Jan 12. Since then he comes and goes as he sees fit. He has hidden his life from me and our teenage children this entire time. He has never spent time alone with all 3 children since he left unless I am included. What I have learned in retrospect is that he had an affair with another woman starting way back in 08 when he was travelling with work. I believe he had a mini BD in Dec 09 but nothing came of it.
He was already deep in Replay by the time he dropped his first emotional bomb in October of 2009. His affair was in full swing, and something happened that caused him to “bomb” you later than normal. OK, so, why did nothing come of the bomb drop in 2009?
It wouldn’t surprise me if you hadn’t already known something was going on back in 2008, because regardless of how well anyone thinks to hide a third party, there are always behavioral signs that “drop” and are shown all along the way. If your Intuition isn’t well developed, this sense is identified as that nagging feeling you get when you know something’s wrong, but can’t put your finger on it.
There hadn’t been anyone that was ever able to completely hide themselves, and any wrong actions they’re doing from anyone–most especially the one that knows them best–just after God–their spouse.
Just a curious question–why were there no questions after you were bombed that first time in 2009? Please forgive my curiosity, if I don’t understand something I will usually ask questions, and often speculate, based on my own knowledge, past experience, and knowing human nature.
Your husband has been in a mid-life crisis since before 2008–what happened that triggered his entry? Did someone die, did he face death, was there any kind of major event that would have helped to trigger his descent into the crisis? You don’t have to answer these questions, these are for you to think about.
OK, so, he was in an affair. Because of the signs that should have dropped during that time, you had to know something was seriously wrong. If you didn’t ask questions, it was either because you knew there was nothing you could do about it, except to step back and let it run its course, (which was a right thing to do, because while he was in his affair, there was nothing you could do). Or you chose to close your eyes to it, and lived in denial for a long time, because you feared what you might find out (this is the option most left-behind spouses choose, but it is not necessarily the best option).
It is often better to know, and figure out what the next step is for oneself, than it is to keep hoping against hope that things will simply straighten out on their own. Most of the time, it doesn’t happen that way–one is usually forced to face reality, and then begin their journey toward wholeness and healing once they are convinced it’s a necessary thing.
Then in “10 he had a major bout of depression and during the middle of the night woke up ranting and raving. This was another BD but it spooked him. It spooked me. Nothing about it made sense. We got him help. this help worked for a small point in time and then in Oct 11 the real bomb drop happened. It was a million times bigger than the one preceding it.
I would venture to say, that he must have tried to end it with the other woman, and as a result he went into his affair processing (also known as OW Withdrawal). That would have been the beginning source of this major bout of depression.
However he never finished his affair processing-it kept being interrupted, and you explain why further below.
To explain his apparent nervous breakdown, during the mid-life crisis, because there are these “certain-aged” children who show up off and on, all during that time, it is not unusual to observe a mid-life spouse suffering from nightmares, night terrors, afraid of the dark, and because it’s so emotionally draining, it can lead to a serious nervous breakdown because of their inability to deal with it.
Of course it didn’t make sense to either one of you–I doubt he remembered what he was dreaming, but it sounds to me like whatever small “child” who was in control at that time was dreaming some pretty scary dreams.
Since then, monster took over and he ran stating it was temporary so that he could get space to deal with his childhood issues. He didn’t know if he could love me “right” but he loved me. He blames me for all types of things. We have seen him do all the cliches – new clothes, new hair, lose weight, new fancy sports car, vacations, strange obsessions, the phone and texting have become issues, new job. Basically he has changed everything.
So, he started emotionally rebelling again, lying to you so he could do what he wanted, when he wanted. Excuses for everything–all of the “Hallmarks” of Replay showing clearly again.
Basically, in short form, he ran out his affair processing right back into deep Replay. Everything changed by HIM to continue try and use outside solutions to fix inside problems. Until he figures out this won’t work, or until you begin learning to set healthy boundaries on his unacceptable behavior, he will continue running down this destructive road he’s on.
I have seen depression peaking through every now and then. When that happens, he will tell me but then that starts a new round of running. He will not admit to the women, even when confronted with the truth. I have stopped asking as the lies hurt more than the actual truth.
Right now, he is depressed again. He has no one stroking his ego at the present that I can tell as the phone is not an issue. He has gained weight, there is no more money to spend, he is coming around more. He has reached out to the woman from 08 who is also married. She likes his attention. She is married also and lives a long plane ride away. She is the perfect fantasy. I saw this cycle a year ago. He became depressed, he decided I was to blame again, he reached out to her. She stroked his ego a bit, then he went and got himself a steady friend and monster took over and spewed venom even at the children. This time there is no money to fuel that behaviour so I am not sure how this will work. I know that he is now inquiring about divorcing me with an attorneys ( he is not aware that I know this) but yet he is making plans with me to go on some family holidays and some nights out as a couple. I heard him say I love you for the first time in months but then he retreated away again and became cold and distant.
So, from you’re describing, he’s really continuing to struggle within Replay at the moment, every time he starts into a round of affair processing, he runs away again–having multiple affairs, still trying to carry out the mid-life spouse’s definition of insanity-“I will keep trying various “outside” solutions to fix my “inside” problem–surely SOMETHING will eventually “fix” me.” Never mind that it won’t.
The important aspect I’ve not seen you mention, and I’m curious to know why you hadn’t set these on his spending (more like WASTING) of money that he didn’t need to have, and because of him, you’re financially broke–these are FIRM BOUNDARIES.
What was different about your situation that you didn’t set these on him?
Would this be the deepest part of the tunnel or would this be him peaking out and seeing the damage and not wanting to deal and running back in? I do see a difference from the times before as his monster is much tamer. I have seen glimspes of the man I know him to be peaking out. He has returned to counselling. When I googled his new counsellor, he specializes in sexual addiction. I did not tell him that I googled him. I think he will divorce me instead of facing me. But if so, why go on holidays with me and have some dates planned. So confusing.
He’s still confused as to what he wants. There’s something missing here–something you haven’t done, and I think the key lays in the boundaries you never set on him, and he doesn’t respect you at all.
You’re wanting him to come to you, but I believe you’re going to have to confront HIM before it’s all done and finished.
I am back being terrified and scared for the future. I am not sure what to think or how to process. I live each day like he is not returning but I cant’ seem to move forward as I seen a lost soul who is destroying all that was chasing some elusive dream of happiness but not realizing that happiness comes from within. He has told me many times that “no expenses would be spared for his happiness.” I had no idea how truer words would ever be spoken.
You need to stop being afraid, and get ready to confront this without showing your husband any fear. He’s accountable for wasting all of the assets, and you cannot let this go. There is financial damage, there is family damage, and what you are waiting for him to do, he may never do.
Mid-life spouses will go as far as they are ALLOWED to go, before facing boundaries that are as thick, tall and wide as brick walls. One is allowed to set behavioral boundaries on mid-life spouses, including, financial boundaries that deal with wasting resources that belong to the household.
All this time he has continued to treat you how you have allowed him to treat you. When he arrogantly told you that no expenses would be spared for his happiness, THAT should have been when the FIRST firm boundary should have been laid, and if need be, you may have had to file for separation to enforce it.
Your self-respect has taken really a hard beating, hadn’t it? When a Mid-life spouse is out of control, spending money a family can’t afford, steps should always be taken to put a stop to it, to minimize the damage done.
When you got him help at the time of his nervous breakdown, you should have also put his feet to the fire, and made certain he understood that “playtime” was done and finished. That if he wanted you, he was going to have to begin straightening up, or he would find himself WITHOUT you, Love.
He had that first affair, OK. So, he gets one, maybe two, and there are some mid-life spouses who have multiple affairs, but what is the main aspect needed to help fuel and support an affair–MONEY, and you should have taken whatever steps were necessary to remove that crutch from him. The first time he began wasting money that you needed for your family, why didn’t you slap a firm boundary on that?
To clarify my point, you can’t set boundaries on the mid-life affair–at least the first one, and maybe not the second one, because of the infatuation hormones, and because it must run its course in full. However, if the issue that drove the mid-life spouse into that first affair isn’t targeted, it will happen again at a later time. He wasn’t going to do this until he no longer had the MONEY to fuel his Replay behaviors. He has looked to you to put a limits on his behavior, just like you would a child, in a sense. When you didn’t do it, for whatever reason, he ran further and further out of control each time.
You can’t lose what’s already been lost, and behavioral boundaries in any area, but the mid-life affair can be set at ANY time, because enabling someone to continue to mistreat you and your family is only going to bring you more trouble—and it looks like in your situation it already has, even to the point you’re thinking he’s going to divorce you rather than face you.
Is it true that near the end of the tunnel, the confusion and cycling becomes rampant mixed in with over depression?
First of all, your husband is NOWHERE near Acceptance–from what I see he’s currently stuck in the beginning last quarter of Replay at this moment, showing some of the latter signs I see in people who are approaching the last quarter of this stage.
However, if you don’t start setting behavioral boundaries on him, he will remain stuck in Replay, and he will start cycling again, worse each time he cycles, as you’ve already seen him do…the fact he’s looking into divorcing you tells me there’s something he’s missing in you–and I would suggest you find it in a hurry, and I suspect it’s your self respect that needs defending.
At any rate, no, it is not true-what you’re speaking of happens toward the end of Replay, and I suspect you’ve already seen some of this for yourself, already. Within the stage of Acceptance, most, if not all of their issues should be settled, and there will be no more confusion, cycling nor depression. All of the confusion, depression, and tendency to emotionally cycle leaves completely, and their awareness becomes clear when the veil (the mid-life crisis fog) is lifted to show them all of their damage.
What is left is a true spiritual and emotional battle they must face, which is much different than the confusion, cycling, and overt depression that actually appears during the latter end of REPLAY, and I have a note written on that aspect at the end of stage two of Acceptance, clearly explaining this difference.
What people might think was depression, confusion and cycling, would actually be a true show of remorse, that leads to a deeper processing that leads to a time of stress, (but they could take that, due to their increased emotional strength during that time), because it is then, they will see the WHOLE of the damage they have done during the deepest part (Replay phase) of their mid-life crisis. When that particular time comes, the differences are always clear, and there will be no mistaking Acceptance for what happens toward the ending of Replay—these are entirely two different stories.
There is a LONG road to walk for your husband before this time happens, if indeed, it ever does.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))