These are from the Contact Form:
This is from “Kee”
Hi HB
I have been dealing with MLC for a very long time with my
ex husband. He has never quit contacting me and even said in Sept that he wanted to
date me again.
Every two weeks or so he would text me and tell me he loved me.This has occured
since he left 3 years ago.
Last week a relative was visiting him and he had her use his phone to call me. I
have been nc so I didnt answer.
Yesterday he called me and said he wanted to drop something off although he never
comes to my town. His message also said he was going to church which he quit too.
I was telling his sister, and she said what’s wrong with him everything isn’t happy
in Paradise? She then told me that ex has recently moved in with a woman with two
kids. He us 56 years old.
Why has this man continue to contact me through his replay?
Kee
Hi Kee,
It’s obvious this man still wants you in his life, so he keeps contacting you. It’s not uncommon for a mid-life spouse to leave on their own, and as they deal with their ongoing crisis to reach out for their spouse so they can make sure they are in the place they “left” them in.
I have always called it that “strange connection” that keeps the mid-life spouse returning, and it’s a deep emotional connection that binds him to you, and you to him. It’s the same one God put into action when He bound the two of you together before Him, when you married.
However in spite all he’s saying, he’s giving out “mixed messages”–saying one thing doing another, doing one thing saying another–also called actions and words don’t match. You can’t put a whole a lot of stock in what he says–it’s more about watching his actions, because you’ll get more from watching his actions, than from what he says. Though his actions are currently confused, he’s on his quest and searching for himself–and trying to find through other people, things, etc.
However, every mid-life spouse wants to think they have everything under control, including their left-behind spouse, and so it’s important that you begin getting on your journey, and begin living your life, and leaving him behind in that same process.
What you would need to is stay backed off of him, give him his space, allow the affair to burn out on its own, and if you want to rebuild this marriage at a later time, keep allowing the contact to happen. If you don’t, then it’s your choice as to what you might want to do. You’ll know when/if he wants to begin trying again with you, and if you still love him, still want to be with him, then follow your heart. I hope it all works out.
This is from “Stacey”
My husband is kind to me but shows no interest. He is definitely in the middle of a
midlife crisis. We have all the signs you have talked about. Its been going on for
about a year and a half. I dealt with cheating 5 years ago so it has really been a
process over a few years. I am 36 and he is 41. He has moved out. When he comes
to see the kids he interacts with me but its like a piece of him is missing. Is
there a point where I just simply ask him “Do you want a divorce?” I believe in
marriage and believe in standing for it but when someone has no interest in being
married to you what do you do?
I have thought a lot about your article on the awakening. How will that happen? I
sometimes wonder if I should write him a letter and let him know that other men do
pay attention to me and see if that has any effect on him. Is that manipulation?
Its the truth and is very confusing because other men do pay attention to me while
my husband looks right through me?
Hi Stacey,
Since he’s definitely within a major mid-life crisis, that is the main reason he looks “through” you, rather than at you. For this time, his feelings have changed toward his life, and toward you in general. This is not about you, this is all about him.
Mid-life spouses really don’t know how to create and maintain relationships, and their interest, lies more within their quest to find their lost identity, and to eventually figure out what they want to do with the rest of their lives.
One of the number one rules one learns to observe when dealing with a mid-life crisis is to not ask questions if you don’t want to hear the truth. Mid-life spouses have a tendency to speak bluntly and a lot of what they spew will often “sparkle” with grains of truth. For as many lies as they can tell, there will also be truth told, even if it’s not about them.
A “piece” of him being missing would be accurate, because a major part of him is lost, due to emotional redevelopment going on within him. However, eventually, given some time, you hope he would find himself again, and this takes time.
There’s no given point set where you would ask a mid-life spouse if they want a divorce. If you want a divorce, go get a divorce–don’t ask him if he wants a divorce to try and wake him up, shake him up or force him to do what you would want him to do. It never works, and if you begin pressuring him, you’ll lose him completely.
I advise that you don’t write any letters designed to use the attention of other men to make him jealous, because that will backfire on you. Mid-life spouses, in spite of their various behaviors, are extremely insecure, and if you start trying to draw his attention using control and manipulation tactics, the complete opposite of what you hope would happen, might happen.
Instead of drawing him back to you, he might decide to go on and walk away for good. You, my dear, need to stop focusing on how other men look at you, (which would be focusing too much on the outward aspects, when the mid-life crisis is so much more than that) and learn to get on your personal journey to wholeness and healing so you can begin necessary emotional work on yourself.
When this man put you on a road that was not of your own making, he made this all about you, just like his crisis is all about him. In short, it’s time to begin growing up for yourself, getting your focus off him, and putting it solely upon yourself.
Until he decides to turn his focus back toward you again, things will remain as they are…again, this is NOT about you–this is all about him, just like it always has been. In the meantime, let go, let God have this man to work on, while again, begin to work on yourself.
I hope this helps.
This is from “Renee'”
I felt like i was hit with a bomb by my husband in early March with the – “I’m empty
– not happy – we should just go our own way speech”. All the while he was very
emotional and crying – from a “tough” man who NEVER shows emotion. I initially
thought he was just depressed as he stated -“if you don’t know i struggle with
depression then you don’t know me”. He then started appearing “depressed” only at
home or around me – shut down – not talking, etc. but going out with his friends
more than before, eating out more, etc. I just seemed to annoy him with my presence
– the communication was non-existent-he would not even be in the same room with me.
We have 3 children and he is still at home so we talk about them and that’s all. So
– he seemed to be fine and relieved almost but when i talked about the state of our
marriage and our family he said – “I am tired of worrying about everyone else, the
kids will be fine, etc.” – totally out of character – just nonchalant non-caring
things – unaware of impending destruction – that finally tipped me off to perhaps a
mid life crisis. He now seems depressed and withdrawn again – my question is –
could he have been at the later stages of replay when he dropped the bomb and moved
on to depression back and forth like that so suddenly? He has always had a
stressful attitude and generally snappy at people – i am thinking he has been going
through some of this for a long time before i even realized it – can he be so
advanced into the stages already?
Any suggestions you can offer are extremely grateful.
Hi Renee’
Both withdrawal and depression show throughout the crisis. Yes, he bombed you within replay, and the best I can tell from what you’ve said, he’s currently still there at this point. Your husband may be past the halfway point of replay, but without further description, I couldn’t tell you much more than that. I just know that what you’re describing still shows replay behavior. He can’t handle responsibility right now..and that’s part of it, too.
He was relieved because you vocalized some understanding of what he was feeling, and he opened up. However when a mid-life spouse opens up, and speaks out, some of what they say can be very shocking, because you don’t know what they’re thinking, however, they think the left-behind spouse is a mind-reader, when that’s not possible–however, when a given outburst of information is finished, they will almost always withdraw for a time in order to process their interactions.
Being stressed out and snapping at people is part and parcel within the crisis, and it’s some of the reason they need space and time for themselves to process. They are in a LOT of emotional pain, their emotions are often fragile, and their ongoing depression makes them feel bad.
His crisis would have started long before you discovered something was wrong, but now that you know something is wrong, you would need to begin necessary work on yourself–he is on his journey right now, so you would need to be on yours.
The best you can do is leave him alone, let him figure this out on his own. Be there when/if he needs you, and you’ll know when he does, because he will let you know. Most of the time all you can do is listen, validate, and understand that right or wrong, he has a right to his feelings, just like you do.
There are very few mid-life spouses who move fast through the crisis…if they move fast, they’ll miss important aspects they would need to face. Slow is always much better—the slower the better, because you want them to face in full, not in part.
Hopefully, this will help.
From “Lynda”:
H left 4 months ago. Said it was temporary, he loves me, needed to “clear his
head”……things have gotten worse. We only talk if I reach out to him. He says he
has feelings for a co-worker. He spends a lot of time w her, but says it’s not
physical. He tells me he is 100% sure he is done. Yet, yesterday we went to lunch
together. He kisses me goodbye. If I call he is happy to hear from me.
I am moving out of our 5BR house w 3 acres of land. He is moving home.
Now what? Do we have any chance? We’ve been married 22 years. I can’t keep hurting
like this.
Hi Lynda,
Mid-life spouses say a lot of things, but their actions are often confused. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t know what he wants, but says he does–giving you a lot of “mixed messages” in that process. The best thing you can do is stay backed off, be there when and if he needs you, give him space, and time to figure himself out.
As far as not being able to keep hurting like this, how long you choose to hurt is up to you, and no one else. While I totally get the fact he’s abandoned you, can’t decide what he wants, etc…this is HIS crisis, not yours–and contrary to what you think, his crisis isn’t about you—it’s all about him.
If you want to end the marriage, or if you want to stand and wait to see if the marriage eventually comes back together, those are your choices. However, he will do what he think he needs to do, when he thinks he needs to do it, and again this has nothing to with you, and everything to do with him.
This is an emotional, mental, and spiritual battle fought on the inside of the mid-life spouse, and until he begins resolving his issues, things will remain confused.
You would need to begin examining yourself–when he put you on this road that was not of your own making, he made this about you, just like his crisis is all about him.
Learn to detach and emotionally distance from his drama–it is the only way you’re going to be able to cope. I also understand that you’re grieving a marriage that was sent to the death in his mind when he turned on you.
Only time will tell whether he will begin trying again with you or not. All you can do is learn to live life for yourself, while keeping the door slightly open for his possible return, if indeed, you choose to do that.
I hope this helps.