These are from the Contact Form:
This is from “Kee”
Hi HB
I have been dealing with MLC for a very long time with my
ex husband. He has never quit contacting me and even said in Sept that he wanted to
date me again.
Every two weeks or so he would text me and tell me he loved me.This has occured
since he left 3 years ago.
Last week a relative was visiting him and he had her use his phone to call me. I
have been nc so I didnt answer.
Yesterday he called me and said he wanted to drop something off although he never
comes to my town. His message also said he was going to church which he quit too.
I was telling his sister, and she said what’s wrong with him everything isn’t happy
in Paradise? She then told me that ex has recently moved in with a woman with two
kids. He us 56 years old.
Why has this man continue to contact me through his replay?
Kee
Hi Kee,
It’s obvious this man still wants you in his life, so he keeps contacting you. It’s not uncommon for a mid-life spouse to leave on their own, and as they deal with their ongoing crisis to reach out for their spouse so they can make sure they are in the place they “left” them in.
I have always called it that “strange connection” that keeps the mid-life spouse returning, and it’s a deep emotional connection that binds him to you, and you to him. It’s the same one God put into action when He bound the two of you together before Him, when you married.
However in spite all he’s saying, he’s giving out “mixed messages”–saying one thing doing another, doing one thing saying another–also called actions and words don’t match. You can’t put a whole a lot of stock in what he says–it’s more about watching his actions, because you’ll get more from watching his actions, than from what he says. Though his actions are currently confused, he’s on his quest and searching for himself–and trying to find through other people, things, etc.
However, every mid-life spouse wants to think they have everything under control, including their left-behind spouse, and so it’s important that you begin getting on your journey, and begin living your life, and leaving him behind in that same process.
What you would need to is stay backed off of him, give him his space, allow the affair to burn out on its own, and if you want to rebuild this marriage at a later time, keep allowing the contact to happen. If you don’t, then it’s your choice as to what you might want to do. You’ll know when/if he wants to begin trying again with you, and if you still love him, still want to be with him, then follow your heart. I hope it all works out.
This is from “Stacey”
My husband is kind to me but shows no interest. He is definitely in the middle of a
midlife crisis. We have all the signs you have talked about. Its been going on for
about a year and a half. I dealt with cheating 5 years ago so it has really been a
process over a few years. I am 36 and he is 41. He has moved out. When he comes
to see the kids he interacts with me but its like a piece of him is missing. Is
there a point where I just simply ask him “Do you want a divorce?” I believe in
marriage and believe in standing for it but when someone has no interest in being
married to you what do you do?
I have thought a lot about your article on the awakening. How will that happen? I
sometimes wonder if I should write him a letter and let him know that other men do
pay attention to me and see if that has any effect on him. Is that manipulation?
Its the truth and is very confusing because other men do pay attention to me while
my husband looks right through me?
Hi Stacey,
Since he’s definitely within a major mid-life crisis, that is the main reason he looks “through” you, rather than at you. For this time, his feelings have changed toward his life, and toward you in general. This is not about you, this is all about him.
Mid-life spouses really don’t know how to create and maintain relationships, and their interest, lies more within their quest to find their lost identity, and to eventually figure out what they want to do with the rest of their lives.
One of the number one rules one learns to observe when dealing with a mid-life crisis is to not ask questions if you don’t want to hear the truth. Mid-life spouses have a tendency to speak bluntly and a lot of what they spew will often “sparkle” with grains of truth. For as many lies as they can tell, there will also be truth told, even if it’s not about them.
A “piece” of him being missing would be accurate, because a major part of him is lost, due to emotional redevelopment going on within him. However, eventually, given some time, you hope he would find himself again, and this takes time.
There’s no given point set where you would ask a mid-life spouse if they want a divorce. If you want a divorce, go get a divorce–don’t ask him if he wants a divorce to try and wake him up, shake him up or force him to do what you would want him to do. It never works, and if you begin pressuring him, you’ll lose him completely.
I advise that you don’t write any letters designed to use the attention of other men to make him jealous, because that will backfire on you. Mid-life spouses, in spite of their various behaviors, are extremely insecure, and if you start trying to draw his attention using control and manipulation tactics, the complete opposite of what you hope would happen, might happen.
Instead of drawing him back to you, he might decide to go on and walk away for good. You, my dear, need to stop focusing on how other men look at you, (which would be focusing too much on the outward aspects, when the mid-life crisis is so much more than that) and learn to get on your personal journey to wholeness and healing so you can begin necessary emotional work on yourself.
When this man put you on a road that was not of your own making, he made this all about you, just like his crisis is all about him. In short, it’s time to begin growing up for yourself, getting your focus off him, and putting it solely upon yourself.
Until he decides to turn his focus back toward you again, things will remain as they are…again, this is NOT about you–this is all about him, just like it always has been. In the meantime, let go, let God have this man to work on, while again, begin to work on yourself.
I hope this helps.
This is from “Renee'”
I felt like i was hit with a bomb by my husband in early March with the – “I’m empty
– not happy – we should just go our own way speech”. All the while he was very
emotional and crying – from a “tough” man who NEVER shows emotion. I initially
thought he was just depressed as he stated -“if you don’t know i struggle with
depression then you don’t know me”. He then started appearing “depressed” only at
home or around me – shut down – not talking, etc. but going out with his friends
more than before, eating out more, etc. I just seemed to annoy him with my presence
– the communication was non-existent-he would not even be in the same room with me.
We have 3 children and he is still at home so we talk about them and that’s all. So
– he seemed to be fine and relieved almost but when i talked about the state of our
marriage and our family he said – “I am tired of worrying about everyone else, the
kids will be fine, etc.” – totally out of character – just nonchalant non-caring
things – unaware of impending destruction – that finally tipped me off to perhaps a
mid life crisis. He now seems depressed and withdrawn again – my question is –
could he have been at the later stages of replay when he dropped the bomb and moved
on to depression back and forth like that so suddenly? He has always had a
stressful attitude and generally snappy at people – i am thinking he has been going
through some of this for a long time before i even realized it – can he be so
advanced into the stages already?
Any suggestions you can offer are extremely grateful.
Hi Renee’
Both withdrawal and depression show throughout the crisis. Yes, he bombed you within replay, and the best I can tell from what you’ve said, he’s currently still there at this point. Your husband may be past the halfway point of replay, but without further description, I couldn’t tell you much more than that. I just know that what you’re describing still shows replay behavior. He can’t handle responsibility right now..and that’s part of it, too.
He was relieved because you vocalized some understanding of what he was feeling, and he opened up. However when a mid-life spouse opens up, and speaks out, some of what they say can be very shocking, because you don’t know what they’re thinking, however, they think the left-behind spouse is a mind-reader, when that’s not possible–however, when a given outburst of information is finished, they will almost always withdraw for a time in order to process their interactions.
Being stressed out and snapping at people is part and parcel within the crisis, and it’s some of the reason they need space and time for themselves to process. They are in a LOT of emotional pain, their emotions are often fragile, and their ongoing depression makes them feel bad.
His crisis would have started long before you discovered something was wrong, but now that you know something is wrong, you would need to begin necessary work on yourself–he is on his journey right now, so you would need to be on yours.
The best you can do is leave him alone, let him figure this out on his own. Be there when/if he needs you, and you’ll know when he does, because he will let you know. Most of the time all you can do is listen, validate, and understand that right or wrong, he has a right to his feelings, just like you do.
There are very few mid-life spouses who move fast through the crisis…if they move fast, they’ll miss important aspects they would need to face. Slow is always much better—the slower the better, because you want them to face in full, not in part.
Hopefully, this will help.
From “Lynda”:
H left 4 months ago. Said it was temporary, he loves me, needed to “clear his
head”……things have gotten worse. We only talk if I reach out to him. He says he
has feelings for a co-worker. He spends a lot of time w her, but says it’s not
physical. He tells me he is 100% sure he is done. Yet, yesterday we went to lunch
together. He kisses me goodbye. If I call he is happy to hear from me.
I am moving out of our 5BR house w 3 acres of land. He is moving home.
Now what? Do we have any chance? We’ve been married 22 years. I can’t keep hurting
like this.
Hi Lynda,
Mid-life spouses say a lot of things, but their actions are often confused. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t know what he wants, but says he does–giving you a lot of “mixed messages” in that process. The best thing you can do is stay backed off, be there when and if he needs you, give him space, and time to figure himself out.
As far as not being able to keep hurting like this, how long you choose to hurt is up to you, and no one else. While I totally get the fact he’s abandoned you, can’t decide what he wants, etc…this is HIS crisis, not yours–and contrary to what you think, his crisis isn’t about you—it’s all about him.
If you want to end the marriage, or if you want to stand and wait to see if the marriage eventually comes back together, those are your choices. However, he will do what he think he needs to do, when he thinks he needs to do it, and again this has nothing to with you, and everything to do with him.
This is an emotional, mental, and spiritual battle fought on the inside of the mid-life spouse, and until he begins resolving his issues, things will remain confused.
You would need to begin examining yourself–when he put you on this road that was not of your own making, he made this about you, just like his crisis is all about him.
Learn to detach and emotionally distance from his drama–it is the only way you’re going to be able to cope. I also understand that you’re grieving a marriage that was sent to the death in his mind when he turned on you.
Only time will tell whether he will begin trying again with you or not. All you can do is learn to live life for yourself, while keeping the door slightly open for his possible return, if indeed, you choose to do that.
I hope this helps.
Thank you for your reply. He has now filed for divorce and has plans to move the coworker into the house with him. Could this still be MLC?
Hi Lynda,
This is the shortest answer I believe I’ve ever written, but the answer to your question is yes, this is still a mid-life crisis, and your spouse is still in Replay. The divorce is to try and stop his pain, because he thinks his marriage is the cause, his coworker is his affair partner–understand she is only a symptom of his deeper emotional problems. This is NOT about you–this is all about him. You didn’t break him, so you cannot fix him..he must learn to do this for himself, while you learn to focus on yourself, and the best thing you can do is nothing–and wait for the affair to run its course, if this is what you choose to do. The infatuation hormones are high at the moment, and nothing you say or do will make this breakdown any faster than it will, given time. One of the identifying “Markers” or “Hallmarks” of the Replay phase/stage is the mid-life affair. Until the affair runs its entire course, he will remain thus engaged. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. Keep reading for more understanding about the mid-life crisis.
To everyone else who is waiting on me to give you answers here, I am doing the best I can to continue getting the various answers out to you. I’m still answering emails at this point, getting them ready to put out into the Q&A section in, I hope, a short time…when finished getting those out, I will move back to the comments here on the site, and begin catching those up. Please bear with me. Thank you for your patience.
Love,
HB
How will I know if he is coming through replay? Are there signs to look for?
Should I try to spend time with him and keep in touch or just go no contact?
In your experience what is the best way to handle this?
Also, how would his affair ever break down? He works with her. It’s not like she is going anywhere.
Anything I can do to help him awaken to what he is doing? So has he been in replay since 2012?
Thank you.
How will I know if he is coming through replay? Are there signs to look for?
Each person is different in how they come through replay–but for the moment, he’s dealing with a huge distraction…his affair.
Right now, he’s deep within his affair, and you’ll have to wait for the affair to run its course. Until that time, he will remain in this aspect. The affair is a symptom of his deeper issues, Lynda–and you’ll know when the affair begins to break down, because he’ll make some noise about wanting to return back to you. That will be your biggest indicator that he’s hopefully getting ready to move forward for himself.
What can you do? Absolutely nothing, except focus on yourself. There is not one thing you can do to help this process forward…and all you can do is let him go to make his mistake…and it is a mistake, but no one but him can figure this out–and that’s only if he’s willing to see it for himself.
We find that we cannot control anyone but ourselves, our actions/reactions. Back away from him for now, and again, learn to focus on yourself–this is not about you, this is all about him.
((hugs))
I need help with detaching and backing away. I can’t seem to do it.
We met for drinks 3 times last week because he says he wants to be friends. We still text every day. Although again now he says I’ve hurt him too much for him to spend time alone with me. And I am the one who always initiates contact.
How do I stop reaching out? I really need help in no contact, boundaries, backing away……
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/total-detachment-dropping-the-emotional-rope/
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-left-behind-spouses-emotional-journey/
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-journey-to-wholeness-and-healing/
Lynda, you can do this–you say you can’t, but you have to decide to let go–if you don’t make this decision, no one can do it for you. Even when/if the affair ends, there will still be work that would need to be done within both of you–you can’t do his work for him, you can only do it for yourself. Read these articles, they will help with the aspect of your journey, and with letting go.
((hugs))
Another question….how long do midlife cris affairs last? Especially since he works with her all day every day and sleeps with her at night?
Trying to find hope. Despite the infidelity he has been an incredible husband and a good man. I just don’t understand what happened to him.
Affairs have a course they must follow–and until your husband reaches the emotional place within him where he will gain enough strength to breakdown his affair, it will continue–you have NO control over that, only yourself.
There is hope as long as you still love him—but you can’t do anything for him, so you learn to do everything for yourself. You’re pinning too many hopes on his affair ending–think this will “fix” everything, when it won’t–he will still be accountable for the issue that drove him into it…so the road would remain a long one even after the affair ended.
Get to work on yourself, and let him go–I suspect he’s either looking for an open door back to you, OR he’s trying “cake-eat”–and only you would know which one he was trying to do.
He wants to be friends, but he’s in an affair–and friends don’t do these things to friends, if you think about it, and he needs to learn that he cannot have both of you at the same time. It’s something to consider and think about, and it may call for a boundary that says as long as he has her, he cannot see you. There’s not enough detail written for me to be able to tell which one this is.
((hugs))
Thank you for your time and answers.
My H has called S21 and spoken to D18 about his relationship. They both told H they love and support him but will never accept OW.
He told S21 he feels guilty and horrible about what he has done but he is in a really good place and loves her. Said he has tried for over a year to ignore his feelings for her and he wanted to be a faithful husband. Said he has thought through what this will do, all the consequences and has never done anything rash.
S21 told me to let go and move on. He said his dad sounds content although sad that he is hurting me.
I start to question if this is MLC. Maybe he is really in love and I’m just beginning to look like the crazy psycho wife who hangs on to nothing.
What do you think?
S21 told me to let go and move on. He said his dad sounds content although sad that he is hurting me.
With all due respect, since when do you do what other people, including your 21 year old son, tells you to do? Honey, if you choose to continue making a stand for this marriage, make your stand, and don’t worry about what your son “tells” you to do/not do. It’s really nothing to him, because he is not in YOUR marriage..yourself, and your husband were/are in your marriage.
The choice is NOT your son’s, the choice is YOURS to make. Before you get angry at me for possibly crossing a line, I’m not being disrespectful, I’ve been down this road, and while family means well, they don’t have to live your life, YOU DO…and any choices made, you would make them.
While it’s true that you would need to let go of the situation for your own mental health, you don’t necessarily have to move “on”–better to move forward, as what you see now, may not be what you see later on.
You hold the choices at this point, no one else does. I always encourage people to make a stand, because there is always the possibility of return on the part of the MLC spouse. You have history, children, a past marriage, and a connection between the two of you that will NEVER die, because God will NOT allow this man to terminate that connection with you–He will hold him bound to it, and He should, because what God hath put together, let NO MAN put asunder…this is what the connection that God has built between man and woman at the point of marriage really means…and it is the basis and solid foundation for a binding that can never be broken on the part of the adulterous MLC spouse–you have an out, an exit from this marriage–however, this man will NEVER be free from his binding to you.
He is STILL in MLC, and in MLC he will remain, trying to live a LIE that he will never live down.
He told S21 he feels guilty and horrible about what he has done but he is in a really good place and loves her. Said he has tried for over a year to ignore his feelings for her and he wanted to be a faithful husband. Said he has thought through what this will do, all the consequences and has never done anything rash.
Lynda, the fact that he didn’t bother speaking to you at all–and YOU were the one who needed to be spoken to, should tell you something is drastically wrong with your husband. What he said to your son–this is all MLC SCRIPT speaking on his part. He hasn’t awakened to what he’s done yet. He’s justifying his actions in every possible to make his adultery OK, when it is NOT OK. He’s wrong all the way around, and refuses to see it.
I start to question if this is MLC. Maybe he is really in love and I’m just beginning to look like the crazy psycho wife who hangs on to nothing.
Many people question at times, because the MLC’er really “seems” to have their act together, and their state of mind seems so made up. Lynda, not enough time has gone by, and the affair hasn’t had enough time to hit its share of rocks yet.
If you still love this man, and you still have hope that he may come through–let him go completely, and take your journey toward wholeness and healing, and give this time.
You want things to resolve in a short time, and they won’t, they never do–he hasn’t figured out his paramour isn’t what he thought she was–she hasn’t lost her shine, and the affair hasn’t lost its appeal yet.
Simply back off, let go, let God, and trust Him for the future. You wait without waiting, stand without standing still.
Food for thought.
((hugs))