Continuation of Julie N’s Situation. Like before, her comment will be in bold italics, my answers will be in regular font/format. Another long read, but hopefully informative. 🙂
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and informative reply. It means so much to me to hear someone with expertise hear about my situation. I have read lots about the mid life crisis at this point. I am doing a lot of self reflection, and recognizing my role in this situation. I am working on becoming a more whole person and not so codependent. I am an only child with a rough childhood and lived through my mothers 4 divorces…I didn’t trust anyone….I usually like my alone time….But not when I have a large problem.
It’s only a “large” problem if you make it a large problem, Julie. Every last one of us have problems in varying shapes, forms, and sizes, but you know, it’s not the trial you face, it’s the attitude you learn to face it with that matters most in the eyes of God. I’ve walked in your shoes-different situation, same crisis, and I had a real problem with perceiving that this had been done to me, rather than realizing certain choices had been exercised (these being beyond my control), that had led to the proverbial rug being snatched from underneath me.
Not only did I have to come to terms with, and accept this fact, I also discovered that I had issues to face, and the crisis triggered every issue I had. Because I didn’t understand, I hit rock bottom emotionally, blamed him for everything, was paralyzed in fear that all would be lost, cried buckets, had a nervous breakdown to the point of suicide…and what did this change? Nothing. The crisis marched right on forward, and nothing I did or said, made any difference.
The most confusing aspect is that the emotional “fixing” isn’t done by outside factors, although the mid-life spouse will do everything they can to influence outside factors, including their spouse, into fixing what is truly, an inside problem. Only the person can going through can “fix” the problem.
This is even true with you, having to deal with past issues that came from your mom’s four divorces, for example, you were abandoned four times because of these events.
Each time, you internalized this kind of event, made it all about you, made it all your fault,(when it was NOT, that was on your mother, and whichever husband was getting divorced). As a child, you didn’t have the proper mental and emotional tools to deal with what was happening, so, these were repressed, tucked away in your psyche for a later time, and so those perceived inadequacies came with you into adulthood.
Not only that, but you’ve never been able to ever fully trust anyone, and no wonder, the instability of your life didn’t allow for you to build the kind of healthy trust that we should to learn to have, but don’t have because we don’t know what it actually looks like. The rough childhood you had caused a number of emotional problems and issues within yourself that have spent your whole adult life rearing their heads from time to time, and reacting to various events, and threats, that didn’t always go right for you.
His mid-life crisis has now triggered these forth once more within you, and it’s good that you’re getting counseling to get the necessary help you need to learn to deal with yourself.
This is his problem, his crisis, and therein lies the biggest problem. You haven’t reached a point of accepting that he has changed himself toward you. Now, bear in mind I don’t say that a change of feelings, wants and desires on the part of one’s spouse without them saying something about it, is a right thing to do, it’s not.
As I explain in the article Aspects Leading into a Mid-Lie Crisis, the changes within are extremely frightening to the person going through them. How does one sit down and try to explain to their spouse, what they don’t understand for themselves? In most people’s minds, it’s better to stay quiet, hope it goes away on its own, so maybe they won’t have to deal with it at all, but it doesn’t happen that way.
To complicate matters, you have fear which is a powerful motivator, and this is the aspect that keeps them quiet, because there are multiple fears they are being faced with, and it’s overwhelming to them during that time. It’s only when their internal pressure increases to the point they are unable to hold it under control anymore, that they drop the emotional bomb. Before then, they’ve tried denial, and that hasn’t worked, then anger to try and put an emotional barrier between themselves and their past issues.
However, the progression of the crisis continues forward without regard to how they feel, or what they might want to do. There comes a time when people are called upon to finish growing into full emotional maturation, and that is the true purpose of the mid-life crisis. This crisis will take however long it takes, as it is on the timetable of the person going through, and has nothing to do with their spouse, their lives, their family, their children, their marriage, but has everything to do with them, and whatever issues they need to finish resolving.
We are given various opportunities in our lifetime to resolve these issues, learn from them, grow from them, and when we don’t-it all catches up with us at the time of our middle of life, or mid-life, as it’s called. We were designed to grow up in full, not in part, and the transitional period was designed to correct an emotional imbalance that truly exists in each person who didn’t finish puberty at the time they went through. There’s a lot more to this, than just bad behavior, rebellion, and people “throwing away” their marriages.
However, a lot of people will often criticize what they truly don’t understand, and they refuse to see the importance of their own growth that must be also be completed during this time. It becomes all about each individual person-not about a marriage that may or may not survive this time of life. It becomes an opportunity for change, growth and becoming on the part of each individual–but only if a person learns to perceive it in the way.
But now he went on a business trip for 5 days through Sunday. I am doing terrible being alone this time, because I have a whole future in question. I keep thinking about everything I could lose- my house, my cats, my husband. It’s too overwhelming to think about.
It’s overwhelming because if you let it all of what you feel through, in full, you would be dealing with a rage that would burn nearly out of control, and you’re not strong enough to deal with that, yet. You’re angry, because you weren’t given a choice of any kind-you’re being TOLD how he feels, and his honesty about how he feels also makes you angry, because it’s so unfair to you, the one who has always been there for him, with him, for all this time, and you can’t even help him, because he won’t let you help him with this.
It’s frustration at its worst. Very understandable at this time.
What you need to learn to do first, is to simply BREATHE, Julie. You have no control over what your future will bring, and in the early days after bomb drop, it becomes enough to simply learn to put one foot in front of the other for awhile. You’ve suffered a lot of loss in your life, and your focus is on what you have no control over at this point in time. That’s where your greatest fears lay, Julie, not having control, or even not having any say in this.
Unfortunately, no one gets a say in what someone else chooses to do, and somehow, we must needs to find the strength to accept that we really didn’t have a say, nor a choice about what they did against us, and learn to get ourselves together so we can move forward with the help of the Lord.
This isn’t a easy thing to do, Julie, and I understand this. ((hugs))
My husband’s therapist advised him to “use this time away to sort out your feelings. Get some time away from Julie, let her get her own support system while you work this out.” So he contacts me via text 1 x night to say good night, love you. For the past 10 yrs he has emailed me every morning, wondering if I got into work ok, or to tell me he got into work ok. It’s rough -this is the first time I haven’t gotten an email. I am very worried about this business trip separation, because last time he came home from the trip 2 months ago is when all this started, saying, “i don’t love you as much as i should, because I didn’t miss you at all when I was gone and started picturing a life without you. Maybe we got married too young.” So now I fear more of the same thoughts will come to him. I know, I know, I can’t control his thoughts/feelings, only my responses. I know that- and I hear it, but my heart is in terror mode right now and I can’t stop crying and thinking this is the end.
The therapist would be right about that. If you fight him on this, he will take this space and time for himself anyway, so you might as well stay backed off, and wait to see what he does. In meantime, continue the work on yourself. You’ll gain a better understanding of what’s happening as you go forward down this road that you’ve been placed upon. It’s not of your own making, but it makes this all about you, just as his crisis is all about him.
Don’t let the fear of losing what has already been lost paralyze you to the point you lose sight of yourself. You can do nothing for him, but everything for you. Learn to separate yourself from him in this way, and though his comments are scary to you, learn to take them with a grain of salt, and watch his actions, because his actions are what’s going to tell the tale anyway, not what he says.
Often as not, you’ll hear some things, but the actions won’t match, as “mixed messages” will be the order of some days. Take what he offers, and understand that right or wrong, these are his feelings, and learn to simply take note of what he says, while continuing to walk forward for yourself.
He’s saying a lot of things that reflect how he feels in the here and now, but these may not be what he says later on. You’re going to be just fine…it just doesn’t seem like it right now.
((hugs))
He hasn’t said the word divorce and said he wasn’t thinking about divorce, he would try marriage therapy first. But he said, “I don’t know if I love you enough to stay in the marriage.” Whatever that means!! I do believe my poor reactions have extended this whole thing. I didn’t know better. Now that I know, I have been myself(cheerful/playful/upbeat) and I don’t comment on his mood, I act as if it doesn’t exist. Of course its all an act- I feel sheer horror inside. I notice he has moved from: Apathy, to Anger (for past month), now to Sadness, with brief laughter sometimes. I read your articles, I couldn’t tell which stage he is in.
Considering that you’re still in the early days of bomb drop, I wouldn’t say your poor reactions have really made any difference at this point in time. We all had poor reactions when we were emotionally bombed. However, as we learn to continue coping with the ongoing mid-life crisis, and learn to put all focus on ourselves, rather than wasting energy worrying about what we can’t control (the mid-life spouse), our change of reaction, becomes more like responses, and this doesn’t come overnight, it all takes time.
His comment is reflective of how he feels right now, but that will change down the road of time, as he continues navigating for himself along this same emotional road of change, growth and becoming for himself. His feelings are buried so deep within, he cannot access these, so he’s speaking from that lack of feeling, but don’t take it personally, Julie, this is not about you, rather, it’s about him. If it were not you dealing, it would be someone else, because when people say things, and act out in various ways, it is driven by something in them, rather than influenced from outside sources.
He is definitely emotionally cycling at this point in time, (which is common for ALL mid-life spouses to do). Since his issues are hitting him hard, and he’s avoiding them by blaming you,(I saw this in the next paragraph coming up), I would venture to say he’s most likely in the Replay portion, which would be the middle of his crisis. The emotional bomb drop is always revealed at the beginning of Replay, which leads to a deeper confusion, and an intense self questioning that wasn’t present earlier in their transition.
And even knowing this doesn’t help you with how long it will take, Julie. Plus, whether he decides to return to the marriage or not, isn’t in your control, it’s in HIS. However, YOU do still have choices that you can make. You can decide to wait this out while working on yourself, or you can choose to walk away, while working on yourself. Either way, it’s up to you, and it will always be up to you. There’s a long road to walk, but there is still hope as long as you still love him.
((hugs))
What he did say the other night was, “You promise you’ll stop asking me questions and talking about the relationship. But then you talk about it like every day. Every time I get things sorted in my mind and come close to figuring things out, I spend so much time wondering when you’re going to bring something up again, that I spend more time being angry with you, and then I have to start my thinking all over again. I have very little time as it is, being in a doctorate program and working full time. You force me to go back to square 1 with my thinking, and it’s painful.” So I apologized, didn’t realize that asking him how he’s feeling is considered “talking about it.” But he wants no conversation about his or my mood or anything re: relationship. So for the few days before he left I did great- no talking about it.
This is where he’s actually telling you in a nutshell..”If you wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t do that.” Plus, he’s making YOU responsible for him, when you’re NOT responsible for him at all. He can’t handle your feelings, can’t handle your questions, can’t handle his own feelings, but when his personal questions come up, he avoids these, and blames you.
This is where I saw him blaming you for what is his problem. Since he doesn’t want to face it, and the questions you ask, and the relationship talks are probing him more than he wants to reveal, he’s retaliating by blaming you for his avoidance. Plus, you can clearly see this is all about him in the first place.
His comments are filled “you, you, you”, when you have nothing to do with HIS inability to face himself. You don’t “force” him to do anything, these are HIS choices, not yours. This is something you will learn as you continue down the road of your own learning.
You see, we can influence people, but we cannot “make” anyone do anything, unless they CHOOSE to do something. We do not have the capability of “other control” (controlling other people), unless that person gives their power to us, and allows us to bend their will to ours.
As you continue to learn, and you begin to understand these things for yourself, you’ll gain more insight into his behavior. You didn’t owe him an apology for his accusation, which was really unfounded, because you didn’t do one thing to “make” him do what he claimed he did, nor did you did one thing to “make” him feel as he feels.
You don’t have that kind of power over another person, NO ONE does, unless that person chooses to allow you to have that kind of control—this kind of power giveaway comes from a lack of emotional and personal boundaries. He hasn’t separated himself from you completely, therefore, he still sees you as part of him, rather than separate-and you still see him in this same way….this is co-dependent behavior when you can’t see where you end and he begins, and this is also part of having a lack of, or very poor boundaries. Co-dependent behavior is also at the root of the mid-life spouse’s usage of projection.
For example, I can sit here and write advice all day long, but if you don’t decide to take it, I’m not going to force you to take it, nor am I going to harass you, cause you guilt, nor make you feel bad, because you make a choice that you feel is best for yourself. You know your situation better than I do, and I respect this aspect. I know that your choices are yours. But if I said, “OK, Julie, because you don’t take this advice, you will ruin your life,” or something of this sort, or if I spoke abusively toward you in an effort to pressure you into doing what I’m advising you to do, you might feel obligated to do exactly what I said, without considering that advice I gave might not be a right fit for your particular situation. In either case, I would be taking power over you, that I would have no business taking, although you’d allowed me to have that because I loaded you with guilt, in order to manipulate you into taking advice that I gave you.
However, I would be WRONG, and out of line, for doing that against you. You are a grown woman, more than capable of making informed decisions, and though you have asked my advice in this matter, what you do with it, is up to you, and not me. This is where many people let ego get in their way. They think their advice is the “best” advice, and if someone doesn’t take it they must be stupid or something.
However, that is NEVER true, there is always a reason for not taking advice given, and the biggest reason is usually lack of understanding on their part. It’s not until various mistakes are made, and people begin to realize that advice I’ve given makes sense that they begin tentatively taking it, and as they see it working, begin to trust it.
I have known people in the past who wanted to have this “other control” to force people who needed help to take THEIR advice, instead of having enough respect to step back, and allow them to choose for themselves. I’ve spoken out against many of them in the past, because you have people looking for hope, and choosing to extend trust toward people they’ve never met in their lives, and one needs to respect their right to choose.
To me, if a person is acting out abusively in their giving of advice, get as far as away from them as you can, because they’re pursuing their own agenda, built upon a platform of inflated ego. It all goes back to understanding that you are the only one who knows your situation best, and you are the one who will live with the end result of any decisions you make. Advice is just intended to be just that–advice to assist a person in making better informed decisions. And in respect of that, all I could ever do was give my own advice, step back, and let them make their own choices.
As you move forward within your own journey, you will also learn that not everything the mid-life spouse says is true, because you’ll always know the truth in your heart. You’ll also learn to recognize when their statements are full of blame, guilt, shame, and you’ll also learn to roll the various things they will say to try to control and manipulate you off your back. This WILL come for you in time. Just learn not to attach any real importance to what he says, because most of the time, it will be his confusion talking.
Also, you’ll find that no matter what you do or say, it won’t be right in his eyes, so you’ll learn to do what’s best for you, regardless of what he says/does. If you allow him to control and manipulate you, he will keep you from growing, and what you want to do is GROW for yourself, as this will be the only way that he might be influenced into his own further growth.
Again, all things take time, but time is what you have to work with.
((hugs))
I was raised without a religion, but I certainly believe in God. I don’t know much about praying, but I can tell you that every day I wake up and go to bed saying a prayer for all the things I should be thankful for in life….I have done that since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 7 yrs ago and couldn’t walk for about a yr. My husband was the most supportive man in the world then, very worried about me until I got on Lyrica to relieve the pain. That’s why thinking he doesn’t love me anymore if unimaginable….
When it comes right down to it, having “religion” isn’t what will take us into Heaven in the first place. The Bible says that we must go through Jesus to get to the Father, and it is our acceptance of His Grace, Forgiveness and Unconditional Love. Through our belief and faith, we begin learning to build a personal relationship with Him.
He hears every prayer that goes up, and He will answer our prayers, even if sometimes the answer is “No,” or “Wait,” or “Not now.”
God is not a mean person, nor does He allow these things to happen just for Him to make fun of us, or laugh at us, or to cause us trouble. Every trial we face is a time of growth, and learning, containing powerful lessons we can benefit from, if we learn to view these in just this way. Some of the most painful times I ever endured, were some of the most powerful learning experiences, I ever had.
The beauty of having had this privilege to walk this road of learning is that I became most able to relate to what people were going through. This is the true purpose of our trials that lead to this greater learning. It becomes a testimony on our behalf in that, “I know how you feel, because I’ve there,” kind of thinking that also shows compassion in ways that someone who hasn’t been there, can’t even begin to understand.
Although the crisis is long past, my own personal trials have never ended-they’re only tailored in such a way to help me develop even more within myself. I finished facing all of my issues, finished the walking of the journey to wholeness and healing, and finished everything else in one aspect—only to begin a whole new journey within another aspect, because our future growth, is based on learning the aspects of the lessons we learned in the first place. 🙂
This same learning will continue throughout our lives. I am still learning, even as we speak, and I don’t expect to ever stop learning for the rest of my life. 🙂
What stage do you think he’s in?
I answered that question above-he’s in Replay.
What does the “space and time” do for him? I hear some people say its a “cop out”.. What does that mean?
The first thing I’m going to say is I’ve actually heard this said before–that people say that needing space and time to figure oneself out is simply an excuse, a cop-out–plus, life is too short, leave the bum, amongst other things. However, to be very fair, as I always look beyond the critical remark to consider the actual source, these remarks are made because of a true lack of understanding and people often DO tend to criticize what they don’t understand for themselves, because they’re either people who don’t really care about anyone but themselves in the first place, OR they’ve never walked this road, it’s never happened to them, but every uncaring remark that people make, will come back on them, in time.
I’ve even heard remarks about “more fish in the sea,” being asked why I stood for an uncertain outcome, but honey, I took marital vows a long time ago, and these vows didn’t just cover the good times-they covered the bad times, too. I believed with all my heart then, that I could survive, outwit, and outlast the mid-life crisis, and I did, plus I gained so much because of the experience I had.
My marriage became a bonus, rather than a means to an end. The goals should adjust themselves as you move forward-instead of trying to save your marriage, you’ll begin understand that you can only save yourself, because your husband is beyond your help, and must help himself. So, you let go, let God work on him, while you work on yourself, and give him this time and space to figure himself out.
Space and time will help him to process himself, to figure himself out, eventually put himself back together in this area, because he’s the only one who can, Julie. It’s extremely painful to have to face oneself, and if space and time aren’t given to them, they WILL take these for themselves, regardless of what their spouse has to say about it.
What people don’t realize, nor understand, is that during the time of transition, the mid-life spouse remains in severe emotional pain, and this is not just in their heads, they actually experience a rending pain that occurs within their broken psyche. This is a spiritual-type of pain they do experience. The emotional health of every person is contained within the chest area, and when, for example, your heart is broken, there is an actual pain that occurs within your psyche, which is located in this same place.
When the emotional door is opened for their issues, the past unresolved pain associated with these issues, settles itself within the psyche, (their chest), and it feels like a knife is cutting them into pieces-and this pain doesn’t let up until they get the majority of their issues settled within themselves, and all these broken emotional pieces are put back together to help them become whole and healed. This is part of the spiritual/emotional dimensions within a human being.
This last paragraph is based on my own personal experience, because I, too, went through the transitional period, and what understanding I didn’t acquire from my observations within his mid-life crisis, and that of other people’s experience, I gained a lot more knowledge from my own facing of this time. When you have someone, whose presence is an irritant, you do have the want to get away from them. You’re not sure why they’re irritating you, you just know they are, and if you don’t get away from them, or they don’t get away from you, you’ll do whatever you feel you need to do to either back them off, or get away from them.
I know that’s really hard to understand, but the feelings within are truly conflicting, confusing and hard to sort out without experiencing the additional pressure of someone in your peripheral vision, who’s always been there, but for a time you don’t want them there. I remember these feelings, because I had them, too..and in time, they did pass, but not until I sorted my own self, my own issues, and my own perception/perspective out.
I don’t know if this will help, but I hope it does. I remember the experience contributed to my own greater understanding of what the mid-life spouses go through. And, I can remember being deeply ashamed afterward, because I really didn’t understand the emotional pain that is felt by the mid-life spouse until I walked that same road for myself. God constantly stayed with me, but it was up to ME to do this for myself, and it took time, and I had to have the space to figure out and resolve myself during that time.
To explain this another way, there aren’t just physical and mental dimensions to a human being, there are also spiritual and emotional dimensions that must be considered. When a person isn’t whole and healed within the emotional dimension, there is a brokenness that leads to a deep pain within the psyche, and when you have pressures come at you from the outside, plus you’re dealing with pressures on the inside, it gets too much, so space must be gotten in order to learn to deal with oneself..and this takes time for a person to accomplish.
How much space and time, is needed, depends on each person, what they’re facing, what they’re dealing with, and they must be left alone to learn to deal with themselves. Usually, when a person backs off, it helps to release some of the pressure the other one is feeling, and the one who needs this space and time, may decide to turn back, and choose to re-bridge the gap that’s left by the one who has backed off.
In that way, you simply “let go, and let God” do what’s necessary for and within the other person.
I hope that within this long read, you’ll find something comforting, and maybe it will all help you. 🙂
I read your entire answer, prayed on it, then slept some on it, before I got started answering, because I knew it was going to be another long read, but length means nothing if there is nothing said, and I always means to say something solid within every answer I give. You might get a LOT of information, but I always hope people get something out of my humble writings.:)
Above all, take care of yourself, and understand that self-care is very important. Be patient with yourself. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and change, growth and becoming within a person isn’t accomplished overnight.
May God continue to walk forward with you, and bless you according to His Riches in Glory. 🙂
((hugs))
Much love,
HB