Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Honeydew

Hello Honeydew, 🙂

Hi Hearts Blessing
Thank you so much for your site and input under God’s guidance. I have read the site extensively as well as any other books etc I could on Mlc.
Bomb drop was Oct ’13. It’s an emotional affair separated by continents.
After the first weeks of begging etc I read extensively and with God’s word I was able to find a place of peace and my journey began.

**It sounds like your Intuition began taking hold within you, as God began leading you directly. He has His ways of catching people’s attention, and if people will pay attention to the various signs He gives in the beginning, they’ll always know what to do.

People will often ask me for what they would need to read in God’s Word that is helpful–and I usually advise them to read Job, Proverbs, Psalms, Hosea (if the person is a man), Isaiah, and Malachi.

It sounds like you’re doing really well at the time of this writing.

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In Jan we tried to connect and then 23/2 he moved home without even consulting me. I knew it was a mistake and it lasted 3 days. I threw him out and imposed serious boundaries – no contact with me except for our teens and finance.

**When I advise people, one thing I don’t advise unless He tells me to is to throw the MLC spouse out of the house. Now, this does NOT mean I think you made a mistake, because you received direct instructions from God, and I don’t question His direct instructions that I’m aware that He has given to people directly…and in each instance you’ve faced, His Hand has laid directly upon the situation.

I always tell people they KNOW their spouse better than anyone except God–and though He will often give me various instructions to pass on to someone I’m advising, it’s always better if they are receiving direct instruction from Him. I will never tell you something that goes against your Intuition.

However, there are times of instructions He has given that people can get confused about–and this is where a given situation can get sticky–because God will sometimes give instructions that seem confusing, or seem to be against what a person was taught, but He will not give you instruction that will cause you physical hurt.

On my part, when instructed, I often deliver confirmation, affirmation, encouragement, and sometimes additional instruction that is often hard to assimilate. In other words, the person knows what to do, but has trouble understanding why they would need to do it-they can’t see the future impact. In times like those, it’s enough to simply believe, have faith, and understand that God truly does know what He’s doing—and though you’ve had a lot of drama, you translate across as someone who knows to obey Him, even when His instruction doesn’t always seem to make sense to you.
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He hit major depression and was close to tears, dark eyes, not sleeping, foot aching, a mere shell of the man I knew – it was terrible to see but I stood firm.

**This man was caught in the middle of two women–trying to end his emotional affair, but when he was trying to return, he was wanting the best of both worlds, too. Denied that, he went into the affair processing that included the attempt to break the addiction to how this emotional affair made him feel.

Also, he was fighting a hard battle within himself-between what he knew was right, and what he wanted, that was wrong. Horrible to look at, but necessary for him to go through.

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He moved into a house 1km from us – 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms but he only took his bed and tv. Said he wanted to meet OW before he could be with me 100%. OW had let him down 3 times previous even though he’d sent her money for a plane ticket.

**I know it’s wrong what he said and chose to do, but to explain, MLC spouses are on a quest for their life’s companion, amongst other things. Of course, in his selfishness, the man didn’t realize that he was treading on thin ice within the aspect of the possibility you could have simply told him to go on, get out of your life, and all he was thinking of was himself.

It’s a good illustration of how self-absorbed MLC spouses become, and this contributes to their unawareness and the aspect of this being all about them, and nothing to do with their spouse. He wanted to “make sure” she wasn’t “The One” before he “settled” for you. That can be such a hard emotional blow to a left-behind spouse who has been there for so long, stood with their spouse through thick and thin, honored their marriage vows, and for some it becomes too much, so they get a divorce.

However, as the left-behind spouse’s Journey toward Wholeness and Healing continues forward, they begin to realize that it really doesn’t matter whom they may choose to be with, the fact is, the MLC spouse will certainly pay in emotional spades for their treatment of the left-behind spouse, and it’s also realized that the power to choose not only lies with the mid-life spouse, but also with the left-behind spouse, as well.

Mid-life spouses are a strange and rebellious people in that they think it’s OK if they do whatever they want, when they want, and within a wrong aspect of taking the left-behind spouse for granted, they seem to think they can also return whenever they want, and it surprises them, when they hit an emotional brick wall in the form of a boundary/limit, and they’re informed in word, and often action, that they aren’t the only ones who have choices, the left-behind spouse has them, too.

This aspect of realization often brings on a hard tantrum, and an argument about people “having” to do what they’re supposed to do, when no one has to do what they don’t CHOOSE to do….just as the left-behind spouse discovers they have choices, so does the mid-life spouse discover this, too.

Sometimes that enough to scare them into beginning to grow up, sometimes it’s not–it all depends on how much feeling they still retain within for the left-behind spouse—this whole “dance” is based on human nature, and how much strength the left-behind spouse has, plus how willing they are to stand and become a “draw” that the mid-life spouse chooses to pursue.
Also, God can, upon the request of the left-behind spouse, work His Hand within the mid-life spouse’s heart, and add to the love and attraction that is already there–what is within the heart, the mind will usually follow—however, this usually doesn’t happen until the mid-life spouse becomes receptive to the work God can and will do in their hearts.
It all takes time, and it’s part of their emotional redevelopment.

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Within 3 weeks he contacted me again wanting to reconcile 4/4/. I told him I would not contact him all contact was to come from him. I accepted when he came over and we had contact where we’d do things together ie working on his lens lab, garden etc. it was pleasant. He had said he’d be open and honest with me so on 5/5 I asked him for the passwords on his cell. Silence, he refused saying I wouldn’t understand the content.

**It’s always interesting when the mid-life spouse refuses access to their content within emails, cellphones, etc., with the comment that the left-behind spouse wouldn’t understand the content. In one way, he would be right, because it’s hard to understand how a spouse, who took vows stating fidelity and honor, could go down such a road of depravity–however, in another way, he was being controlling, because in his mind, who are YOU to ask HIM for anything–and quite frankly, the mid-life spouse feels that their business is NO ONE’s business…they are quite secretive in their teenage behaviors.
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I said if I was unable to read it then it was inappropriate behaviour for a married man and withdrew my friendship.

**You were right in what you said, and you set a physical and emotional boundary on him. It’s interesting you withdrew your friendship–but I also see a kind of attitude I’d learned to have–you don’t cut deals with the devil, because you will get burnt every time–Friends don’t treat friends just any old way…and this also connects with the fact that God and Sin cannot coexist within the same space/place…and if Sin cannot or will not be confessed to, so it can be faced, resolved, worked out, forgiven, and change for the better created, then the “deal” is off, and is withdrawn from the table.
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In my journey I have found unconditional love and a non judgemental attitude. I told him as I always have that I love him unconditionally but that his behaviour was problematic. I imposed no contact except for teens and finances again. He tried to break the rules but I ignored him. Even had my birthday without him and this stressed him out as I collected his mom (who is visiting) from his house and took her but left him. He had bought me a present. I seem to exist in his life again and I see a marked change in him. Huge weight loss now.

**Separating behavior and people is a hard aspect to complete. However this is necessary in order to learn detachment, and to learn how to deal with difficult people as a whole. I often see people who really don’t understand what this means–yet, you show this aspect clearly. You love this man, but don’t like his behavior, and that is perfectly acceptable, as it is how God deals with people, and how God can love people in the unconditional way He does. God loves us all, but He is very clear on what is and isn’t acceptable from us in the way of behavior–He is a God of Boundaries in regards to behaviors–however, His Unconditional Love knows NO boundaries, because He loves us even to and past the point of our greatest need.

He also teaches us the ultimate lesson in letting go, because He will do this same thing–and let people hang themselves, if necessary. It’s often asked why a loving God would be this way–but you think about it–if God reached down and rescued people every time they made a mistake, or faced a trial, what would they learn from each event? Nothing at all…so God will let people run the entire gauntlet of sin, if necessary–because sometimes that is the only way people will learn their lessons–you have many people who will learn the hard way, because they refuse to learn any other way.

The weight loss you saw was his inner battle ramping up, because he was making a bigger and bigger mess within his life, and within himself–and he was seeing you continue to move beyond his emotional reach. To other people who don’t understand, it would seem you were mistreating him in some way, but you weren’t…he was being caused to continue suffering consequences for his continued wrong actions toward you.
He seems to be a hard nut to crack open–American expression for someone who is very stubborn.

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On 26/5 he arrived unannounced and I took him to task on the boundaries. I saw anger cross his face. He spent the day fixing our gate but I ignored him. He came to say goodbye and give me a hug but I told him again about the friendship / love so no hugs. He stomped off.

**Thought to have what he wanted, thought to do something that would soften your resolve, but none of it worked, so he got mad–but it seems within this next paragraph, he had to learn get glad in the same britches he got mad in.

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Within 2 hrs he called to say he wanted to come home. I said he could prov all conditions had been met ie no Ow. He said it was off and had been pear shaped for a while. I knew he was in communication with 3 other ladies and he said they were merely friends. Told him not to come home. He spewed, half his house and stuff me he’s coming home. I ignored his texts. The next morning he arrived with his stuff and unloaded still mad. I said if he was calm then I would listen to him as he was still spewing. Halfway through the move he spoke and said he’d really like to try get a new marriage on track. He had looked at his life going back and he’d looked at his personality. He was tired of stagnating and wanted to be happy. Told him I couldn’t make him happy that happiness comes from within and is his choice.

**Interesting that things went south with the other woman, but then he picks up three other ladies…it’s quite obvious he’s still not getting with the program..however, your boundaries remained firm, and he figured to return home anyway. He was angry, because he was not getting things HIS way.

What I also see here, is an attempt to bargain in some way–but his stagnation, as you know is HIS doing, and of course, HE has to fix it–you know you can’t. Him saying he wanted to get a new marriage on track, isn’t going to work until he faces himself in an honest way, and this would take time to do.

You know you can’t allow him to simply sweep this under the carpet, and never deal with it. He can’t be allowed to avoid himself, and if he doesn’t get himself together, this will keep happening within him, because his issues won’t leave him alone–they will keep returning.

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I have grown and matured, I love who I am. I have confronted and sorted out my issues and see his issues clearly. I have peace and the most amazing relationship with God who has given me wisdom and strength. I have managed to detach and see the humor in things. I had prayed for a marriage shake up as we weren’t connecting. Never expected this but wouldn’t change the experience.

**The journey into wholeness and healing is a long one, but well worth walking. One of the aspects you have learned is to build and maintain a relationship with God, who will guide you closely, teach you many things about yourself, your mid-life spouse, your life, detachment, and the various life’s lessons we’re to learn throughout. This same journey is never ending if we continue walking forward, and looking to God for ourselves, and our future growth…and our relationship with God is a bountiful, and boundless one, as there is also so much to learn about Him.

This trial would have happened anyway, but you see the importance of going through this, even as you continue walking through it.

You’re doing well. 🙂

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However with him now at home I have huge trust issues that I am battling with. I have told him I don’t want to be a policeman and check his cell all the time. I cannot control him and should he wish to continue to cheat he will find a way.

**What you’re suffering at this point in time, is what I see as battles within the mind. Satan plays his part in trying to keep you off-balance within various areas of emotional trust. What I learned to do, was to place ALL my trust in God alone, with the knowing that IF something happened, I would know, because He would show me.

That went a long way toward settling my personal trust issues, because I learned that I was not required to trust ANY human being with my feelings–as long as I trusted God alone, I was more able to be at peace within myself, and detachment becomes more comfortable, because reality is more easily dealt with, and God does help to settle one’s fears of an uncertain future.

Before I learned this, I was much like you–a mid-life spouse who has turned a marriage totally upside down, has destroyed every last bit of trust and love that once existed within the marriage. In order to regain and rebuild trust that has been destroyed, they must become trustworthy, be willing to do whatever is necessary to earn trust—trust, like respect is EARNED, and it’s earned by consistent actions, transparency, and if you ask to see his phone, he would need to immediately give it to you.

Also, while it’s true that if he truly wants to cheat, he will find a way, he should, in time, learn to understand that in order to build a trusting relationship, he would need to do his part in being accountable.

However, I don’t think he’s ready for total transparency, because he’s still in total rebellion. He still has so much to outgrow within his childish attitudes, etc.

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I prayed the hedge of thorns around him on 22/5 and that’s when things started changing. My question is how do I treat him now that he’s at home?

**The Lord will continue guiding you forward within this aspect, and I suspect from your next post, He is guiding you along within a time of “bridging” an emotional gap with your husband. Until he’s emotionally strong enough to take hard accountability for his actions against his marriage, you will be called upon to lead in love and acceptance.

Is contact with other ladies that he admits having sexually texted in the past cake eating?

**Is he still doing it now? If so, he would be guilty of trying to have a relationship with you, and having one with them, which would be clear cake eating–however, the solution is not always to decide to throw him back out of the house–If the Lord instructs you to do it, then do so…but I’m not getting any clear direction on this, except that you are being led by Him.

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I feel strongly that it is morally wrong but want him to have to make the choice to end things as it’s his life and his problem.

**You would be right, because he’s the one dishonoring himself, by exhibiting dishonorable behavior–and his consequences will continue to be harsh in this aspect.

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Is he still in replay – was that major depression OW withdrawal?

**He is still in Replay–and the other question about other woman withdrawal, I answered above, but yes, that was what he went through, as he had to work out the emotional addiction to how she made him feel.

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Is it still time for space or gently leading the way? I’d so appreciate your input under God’s guidance. Thank you.
Honeydew

**This was something you answered below…because you’re alternating between giving him space, and leading the way, as God continues to lead you.
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Hi Hearts Blessing I think having to wait for your response was all part of the ‘bigger picture’ so please don’t stress as it’s been an amazing time!
The last 2 days I have had such personal emotional discoveries in my journey. These were critical growth areas for me and I strongly feel God’s presence telling me to guide my MLC gently with love and by focusing on trust issues I will land up pushing him away.

**As I said somewhere above, put all your trust in GOD–and don’t worry about trusting your husband. If something goes wrong, God will let you know, and He will also instruct you in what you would need to do in order to handle it.

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His cellphone and online gaming are the only areas where he knows he can try push my buttons. On Monday I confronted him and then changed my normal reactions. He spewed a bit but came down quickly. I saw the defiant teenager in him then but I notice he is listening. His actions speak loudly – hugs me, made me coffe in bed (extremely rare even when newly married), helped paint the lounge, asking where our teens are and hugging them (whereas before he made no real effort to see them since he left 8 months ago) will come looking for me when I give him space.

**You would need to target yourself to see what issues he is triggering through his bad behavior. What is it within you that suffers through the pushing of emotional buttons when you see him on his cellphone, or on the online gaming sites? I would suspect these are connected with your trust issues that you continue to struggle with, especially in light of recent events.

It’s quite understandable to go through these things, but with the help of the Lord you will continue working your way through.

It’s very apparent that he’s in process of resolving a defiant teenager, but at the same time, he is receptive to what you’re speaking to him.

This is a time of connecting in a way that’s necessary for the two of you. It’s a time of “dating” and getting to know each other again. However, IF he is still contacting these women, he would be guilty of trying to balance the best of both worlds, and he will need to learn he cannot have both–he would need to choose only one.

However, at this time, from what I understand, you’re being instructed to continue “bridging” the emotional gap with him, and when the time is right—IF he hasn’t stopped his contact with these women, you will be instructed to make him choose what he wants at that time.

Until such a time, you’ve been instructed to wait and see if he outgrows whatever need these women were meeting in him, on his own. Either way, he would go back into a processing designed to break this emotional addiction to wanting another woman’s admiration, affirmation, and the apparent sexual complication/addiction that has caused a serious problem within his marriage.

In the meantime, you’re continuing to build a solid relationship with God, and continuing to learn about yourself, your husband, and your past marital dynamics–and I suspect there are more aspects coming to light that you’re exploring, even as you’re learning to attach and detach at a moment’s notice as you’re walking this emotional tightrope within your situation.

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God is with me and the discoveries I make about myself are found in the strangest places. MLC continues and I know there will be rough waters ahead.

**Isn’t that the truth? Each discovery we make about ourselves ARE found in the strangest of places. Not only will God will send us into places we wouldn’t think we would find anything–but we will often find everything we need in such an unexpected place, and in such an unexpected way.

However, God knows more than we do, and if we keep our minds open, He will teach us all we need to know, and more teaching comes over time. Best source of learning I ever learned to tap into in my life.

You would be right–the mid-life crisis continues, and this time you’re in, is just a time of learning to build a connection with your mid-life spouse that should sustain the two of you going forward. It’s just a matter of him settling some things within himself at this time, that will begin triggering more emotional growth within himself.

God is definitely showing you that this trial isn’t over, just because this man has returned, and things are beginning to look better. There is still a long journey ahead, but it’s all part of our growth that continues to unfold in each one of us who are continuing to deal with this time of life.

You are doing very well at this time. 🙂
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Thank you Hearts Blessing your site is truly a lighthouse for The LBS.

**You’re welcome, but, LOL, I don’t do one thing, except talk to people…they’re the ones that do the heavy lifting with the help of God. I always said I could provide the necessary resources, but the rest is up to the person to whom I give the advice.

I had help when it was me, help that God sent me, plus, when the time was right, He did take over from that same help, and led me directly throughout-and is still leading me forward. This is the purpose of teaching people to make a solid connection with God. Your Intuition is the most important gift you will ever receive.

God sends me and others like me, to point the way forward. Although it can get very stressful at times, the journey is very rewarding, because it teaches you things you never knew before. If I said I didn’t get stressed at times, at this point of my own current journey, I would be lying, because most of the time, I’m struggling to get people to get their focus off of their mid-life spouses, and struggling to get them to understand the importance of taking their journey for themselves.

It’s hard at times, because people often question and even challenge my knowledge of this road I’ve already been down so many times in the past–I walked it twice for myself, and many, many times, walking with other people. However, I maintain a lot of patience, because I remember what it was like when I was walking in those same shoes. I asked a lot of questions, and even challenged God Himself at times.

There was so much I didn’t understand all that time ago, and because I was such a stubborn person, I made a lot of mistakes that resulted in things being harder on me than they would have been had I just listened and did what I was advised to do. But, like I do now with people, I was let go to make my own mistakes, learned some things the hard way, and I deal with people in much the same way.

So, I simply pass along what I’ve learned, and give people into the hands of the Lord to deal with.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))