From Erica:
Hello,
I am sort of new to this site…last summer I found your six stages of a midlife crisis I printed them off and have reread them many many times…at this point I am not sure of the bomb drop as I feel like there were two 🙁 ….in Oct ’12’ I found some messages on FB that he had sent to another woman….the messages were from may ’12’…asking her if she was single, would want to hang out, go to dinner or movie, etc….but just as “friends” 🙁 ….she turned him down, but I literally felt like I had been sucker punched and I lost all trust in him.
He had already been acting different prior to this but I didnt realize at the time what was going on with him. In march ’13’ we took a vacation to FL together to “reconnect” and put the past behind us. He got a call when we were on our way to Florida telling him that he got a job he had been trying to get….so we were both pretty happy about that. when we got back from Florida he started the job a week later on his first day he came home talking about this other womanso I just kind of listened and filed all the stuff he was saying away for a later date as the weeks when on I found out that this woman lives 2 houses over and we never knew her because she had recently gotten out of prison and she also got that job and she was very attracted to him and so I ended up confronting her after a few more weeks had passed when I found out he was secretly taking her work .
So anyway over a 2 mth period They built a relationship both lying to me over and over and over about it . she was telling me one thing and telling him something completely different she’s the one who actually told me that she thought he was going through a midlife crisis and not to worry because he loved me and all of the feelings he was having would pass …..I feel like she knew he was very confused and vulnerable to having an affair and took advantage of the situation….but I also believe that if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else because I feel like he had been looking for someone for about a year based on those FB messages.
So the second bomb drop….after 2 mths of crying and talking and asking him if he was having an affair and him leaving and staying gone all night 3-4 nights a week (ow was also gone on these same nights) he ran off with her on may 28 ’13’ while I was at work….didnt even say bye to the kids (4 daughters) 🙁 …..I have read every single thing I could find about mid life crisis over the past year and I realize that he’s probably about 3 to 4 years into this based on those six stages that I read the denial the anger and I believe he’s currently in replay and has been but I don’t know if he’s been in replay since the first bomb drop or the second bomb drop. and all of his stages seem to have taken longer than that amount of time that was listed in that article though I realize that times vary with each individual person but his is just taking forever it feels like.
the day he left he immediately basically shacked up with this other woman his sister let them live in her basement for six and a half months and then he got his own place with her in December of last year here in the same town that we live in 10 minutes from our home 🙁 ….it seems like he has ran acrossed the most dumbest of luck since he’s left he got into a car accident him and her both were in it and they ended up getting $22,000 I didn’t get any of that he now has a job again making $15 an hour but he is not helping he does not pay anything for the place he lives at as long as he takes care of the property he gets free rent free utilities free cable free internet while I’m struggling to maintain our home and our four kids. I have tried to be a very understanding and forgiving with him in so I have not press the issue of child support or anything like that and at this point I’m not really sure what to do he’s only had this job for 2 weeks I don’t know if it’ll even last at this point he’s not being very responsible.
when he first left he didn’t take anything initially not even his clothes or toothbrush but the few weeks following he slowly took a little bit at a time …we actually paid for a family vacation months before he left so he still went with us last June to North Carolina for a week…..but when we got back he packed up most of his things took the TV the game system the DVD player and all kinds of other stuff and left 🙁 ….after that he did start helping a little because he was still working at that time at the job where he met this other woman he was giving me money each time he got paid in trying to do little things here and there he bought the kids all their school clothes this past year that kind of stuff but as the months went on he started pulling away a lot because in the beginning he was also coming over 3 to 4 times a week and now at this point the kids might see him one to two times a month for a couple hours each time…..
I’m so sorry that this is becoming so long I just don’t know how else to explain it except to kinda tell the whole story. as far as how he is with me now, in the beginning and I’m embarrassed to admit this but in the beginning for the first four and a half months after he left we continued a relationship….he is actually the one who stopped the physical relationship between us he said that it hurt him to have any kind of physical contact with me at all and then leave meand I told him that he didn’t have to leave he was choosing to leave every time he drove away he was choosing to leave me all over again and at that point I went to the doctor and got put on antidepressants I know that I should have done that months before but I wasn’t for whatever reason ready they have helped me a lot I also got him to go to the doctor in October and get on antidepressants but he has since then stop taking them 🙁 ….he has very consistently told me this whole time that he loves me, doesn’t want a divorce, that he knows he wants to spend his life with me, that he wants me to have his last name forever, he says over and over how sorry he is, how ashamed he feels, says he isnt happy but doesn’t know how to fix this, says hes very confused.
he still lives with the other woman and he tells her a lot of these same things I see pictures of them together I hear things about them everybody else seems to think that they’re happy together but yet he tells me in a couple of our friends that he’s not happy he doesn’t want to be with her forever but yet he doesn’t want to lose her so I know he’s in replay and he’s making me crazy and I’m trying to pull away but it’s incredibly hard. I gave myself and him a deadline 3 months ago I gave him his wedding band back and I told him he had 3 months to put it on his finger and leave it there for ever and get rid of her that I couldn’t do this anymore I told him we only had till May 28th that would be the one year mark……so may 28th is next week and he hasn’t done either one of those things and I just don’t think that he’s going to but I also know that I cannot continue to stay in this situation. he tells me everything that someone in my position would want to hear and everything he says sounds good but he never follows through with any of it . he wants to keep having family days were me him and the kids all spend the day together… we’ve done this many many times over this past year…lots of fishing and boating we’ve went to Kings Island in the zoo a couple times spent every holiday together and every birthday together spend our anniversary together etc, etc….and every time he’s with me this other woman is at their house knowing that he’s with me…..everybody just keeps telling me to move on that I need to find a boyfriend that I need to find someone to spend time with everyone in his family told me that too and I’m not ready for that I don’t want that I want to be with him I want our marriage to work we’ve been together for 22 years since I was 13 years old 🙁 but he has hurt me so bad the things that he’s done the things that I’ve heard when I see her it just all hits me hard and it hurts me bad
Everytime I see her I want to rip her hair out of her head because I know what kind of person she is I know what kind of woman she is she preys on these kind of men she’s done this before her daughter is the product of an affair. she lost both of her kids because she was a heroin addict and that’s why she went to prison to for trafficking heroin so she doesn’t have her children she has no responsibility at all and she’s 100 living off of my husband he’s supporting her in every way she doesn’t work and…as far as our kids go he does not ever take them for any time alone he said he doesn’t want to see them if he can’t see me too he said he’s never going to do the “kid /girlfriend thing” ever…he’s told me why should he involve someone else in his kids lives, someone who’s not even going to be around much longer….he’s said stuff like this for about 8 months now maybe 10 months and I keep asking him if he’s ready to start taking the kids and he keeps telling me no but that’s not what he wants he wants to be with me and our family he wants his family back he doesn’t want to lose us forever he doesn’t want his kids to see him with her etc etc…..:( …..at this point all of our kids now know that he lives 10 minutes away they know that he has four wheelers and puppies in a pond and all kinds of really cool things where he lives and they keep asking me everyday when can I start going to see their dad and I tell them to ask him in when they do he doesn’t answer them so I don’t really know what to do about that I don’t know if I should force visitation upon him.
But at the same time I’m concerned about this other woman in her background and what kind of effect she might have on my kids….I know that I love him more than I could probably ever loved any other man and even after all the pain he’s caused me and our family I still know that I am very much in love with him and he tells me the same thing that he’s in love with me and that he knows that he wants me to be his wife forever but that he’s just doesn’t know what he’s doing he says I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know…..I need advice….I need guidance….I have prayed alot ….I feel so lost and I know my emotions are affecting my girls but im just in so much pain….and he doesn’t know how much he is hurting our kids….and im so lonely, ive never been w/o him. He was my best friend!!!! What do I do 🙁
Hearts Blessing’s reply:
Hi Erica,
He’s in a clear emotional cycle where he wants BOTH women–believe it or not, there are many mid-life spouses who will do this same thing IF they are allowed to get away with it. If allowed, this keeps them stuck, and keeps the left-behind spouse stuck, too.
He’s talking, but not walking this talk–if that makes sense. He’s telling you all these things, but because of his ongoing addiction to how the other woman makes him feel, he stays entrapped within his affair. Hon, you’re letting him hold you in a place where he speaks enough to give you hope, then keeps going back to her. He’s wanting you and her both–and not wanting to choose between.
My advice would be to prepare to move forward, cut contact with him, and let him know that when he knows what he wants, then you’re open to talk, but as long as she is in the picture, there will be no more relationship, no contact, nothing between yourself and him.
The fact is, you can’t do one thing about what he’s doing, but you can change the dynamics on your part in what you are doing to show him what he’s losing in you. I don’t advocate dating while married, and if you’re wanting to move on, as opposed to moving forward, you would need to properly end your marriage. You’re saying you want him, but you keep allowing him access to you, while you know he is still living with the other woman–so, he’s hopping back and forth with no real incentive to make a solid decision that would bring him back toward you.
You’re sacrificing your self-respect on an altar of his sin at this point.
I would suggest you remove yourself entirely from the equation, and lay it all on the line clearly for him—-and while you’re letting him “chew” on that, you need to get on that journey toward wholeness and healing I keep harping on people to take for themselves…and leave him twisting in the wind. You might love him, but he is disrespecting you at this point, and behavioral boundaries in this area-between you and him-need to be set, because it’s obvious that he wants this best of both worlds, and this cannot be.
OW is NOT your problem, she IS HIS—and she’s nothing to you, while she is something he needs to do something about, and as long as he doesn’t, this whole cycle will continue running. While love covers a multitude of sin, it also knows to set boundaries against disrespect. If he were trying to break up with OW, that would be one thing–but all you’re seeing is a whole lot of talk, and NO ACTION—and action is what you would need to see before you began having anything to do with him.
Again, he wants you, but he also wants her–and he cannot have both–he can only have one, and it’s going to fall on you to draw that line that needs to be drawn–make him put his money where his mouth is…and make it clear that if he’s going to talk, you want to see a clear walk, or he won’t have contact with you for a long while.
He may go one of two ways: test your boundaries hard, only to see that you mean serious business, and start through the process of breaking down his affair in earnest–OR, he may choose NOT to honor your boundaries, and decide to walk away–these are his choices.
Overcome your fear of losing what has already been lost, and lay it on the line. I believe he still has feelings for you, but his behavior is crying out for a serious boundary on your part. He’s not going to do this on his own–it’s going to take you to show him that enough is enough….then the ball will be put firmly within his court.
One other thing–if he chooses a wrong road again, I would advise you to begin preparing to begin protecting yourself in the financial area–and think seriously on hitting him for child support. You’re struggling while he’s doing what he wants, and that isn’t fair, not just to you, but to your children.
That OW doesn’t need the money, but you and your children DO. Food for thought.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
From Erica:
Dear HB,
Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to provide this guidance to so many of us who seem to be lost in the craziness of all of this. I have a few questions. I am still trying to figure out when the “bomb drop” was for my situation and also trying to figure out when he may have entered the replay stage….would it be may ’12’ when he began messaging another woman via facebook or when I first found the facebook messages in oct ’12’, or when I first felt like he was involved with this OW april ’13’ or when he actually left with this OW may ’13’ ? Because all of these situations were devastating to me. Also, I have been thinking about this whole situation regarding our children and him not seeming to want to take them and visit without me. I am wondering if maybe in his head he feels like he has two seperate lives right now and as long as he doesnt combine the two in anyway, that he can just continue like he has been…..and maybe to him , if he were to start taking the kids for visitation to his new place he shares with the OW, maybe to him it would feel like those two lives were colliding and thats not something hes ready for….what do you think??? And one more thing….regarding me removing myself from his life and regarding one of our kids. Our 11 yr old has JRA and sees a rheumatologist every 3 mths since she was 4 . In the beginning my H went to every appt for about the first yr after diagnosis, but then only went occassionally, but since he left a year ago he has been insistent that he go to every appt and that he will drive the hr drive there so I wont have to. So he has been to every appt this past yr and her next one is actually tomorrow….which I forgot about until a couple hrs ago when I looked at the calendar….he wants to go and I dont want to deny him of that but how am I to detach and move forward while hes “fixing” himself when we have child related issues such as this???? Im just not sure how to work around all these things with the kids that he wants to attend or accompany us to!!!
Hearts Blessing’s Reply:
Hello Erica,
I am wondering if maybe in his head he feels like he has two seperate lives right now and as long as he doesnt combine the two in anyway, that he can just continue like he has been…..and maybe to him , if he were to start taking the kids for visitation to his new place he shares with the OW, maybe to him it would feel like those two lives were colliding and thats not something hes ready for….what do you think???
Anything is possible. What does it matter at this point? He’s in an affair, and as long as he’s within this affair, things are going to have to run their course, and until they do, he will remain right where he is. Even if you knew exactly what he was thinking, what could you do about it? NOTHING. You can’t possibly know what’s on his mind.
Furthermore, it’s a GOOD thing he doesn’t want to expose his children to his illicit affair—somewhere in himself, he knows this is wrong, OW isn’t meant to be permanent, and he has to figure these things out for himself. She is HIS problem, NOT YOURS. Sometimes what we think, isn’t always what we come to know. You may think this way, and he may be thinking from yet another angle. I couldn’t say, because I’m not him.
Our 11 yr old has JRA and sees a rheumatologist every 3 mths since she was 4 . In the beginning my H went to every appt for about the first yr after diagnosis, but then only went occassionally, but since he left a year ago he has been insistent that he go to every appt and that he will drive the hr drive there so I wont have to. So he has been to every appt this past yr and her next one is actually tomorrow….which I forgot about until a couple hrs ago when I looked at the calendar….he wants to go and I dont want to deny him of that but how am I to detach and move forward while hes “fixing” himself when we have child related issues such as this???? Im just not sure how to work around all these things with the kids that he wants to attend or accompany us to!!!
While I understand he wants to be involved with his children, to keep his “good guy” “good father” image up, it seems to me that if he wants to be there, that’s his right to be there, but you would need to begin driving yourself to these appointments, while he drives himself, if this is how it’s going to be–you changed things, so surrounding circumstances are often exposed to the “ripple effect” when one thing changes, it changes everything around it.
It’s HIS responsibility to keep up with when his daughter’s doctor’s appointments are, and it’s not your responsibility to remind him. If he wants to keep up with it, he can find out for himself, and be there if he wants to be. When you chose to draw this line, it necessitated changes all the way around…and you’ll have to deal with that.
You’ll need to figure out how to balance this particular aspect for yourself-that’s something you would need to decide for yourself. Those are the children that belong to you and to him, and you’re right, you cannot deny him the right to be there, but your attitude is going to have to reflect the line you recently drew–not in a cold way, but in a distanced and detached sort of way…friendly, but distant.
It’s apparent he’s been trying to prevent things from changing, because one thing and then another is coming up, and as long as he continues making sure he doesn’t lose contact with you, he will continue what he’s doing–because he would have NO incentive to change anything.
You laid it down on the line, and you would need to hold that line for yourself–this drawing of the line on your part is not about your kids in the first place–your laying of the line is all about YOU, and only YOU can detach yourself, act AS IF he’s a total stranger if you’re having to be in the same room as he is.
It’s also very obvious that you weren’t ready to do this, because you’re not ready to completely let go of him–and that must be done if one is to hold a line drawn–and because of your lack of understanding that change takes TIME to take hold. From I understood, you must have thought he would resolve this affair in a day, or maybe in several hours, when this isn’t possible–it almost never happens like that.
These things never do resolve quickly…Even if/when he breaks his affair down, and returns, there may be a LOT of time that goes by before this happens-it’s not unusual for him to try like he’s been trying, then get angry, spew at you, and then fear will force his hand, one way or the other-and again it all takes TIME….Whether he does it quickly or not, you’re still going to be subjected to watching him grieve this illicit connection out, and you wouldn’t be able to do one thing to help him get through it, because this would be on him…but for right now, you’ll need to concentrate on holding your drawn line, and see what will happen next.
As a matter of fact, it ALL hinges on him–and you would need to leave this on him.
One other thing from an earlier comment you wrote:
Im struggling with forgiveness…I am certain that I can, in time, forgive my husband for the pain he has caused us, but this OW he is with…I am struggling to forgive her. She willingly and knowingly involved herself in this situation. If she had been some random person that I had never met and she didnt know about me or the kids until after she developed feelings for my H I could prob feel sorry for her, but this OW knew about me and our kids.
Now, I read your post in full several times-forget forgiving her at the moment, right now, you’re deeply entangled with this woman, and as long as you remain like this, you’re not going to get anywhere within the realm of forgiveness, Erica…
WHY are you even dealing with her in the first place? She is your HUSBAND’s PROBLEM–NOT YOURS. You’re allowing this woman to drag you into unnecessary drama, when what you need to do, is LEAVE HER ALONE completely.
She is NOTHING to you–and both of you women are behaving like kids, teenagers, and you’ll need to get beyond that kind of crappy drama. IGNORE HER, SHE IS NOTHING TO YOU!
You’re his WIFE, so you have more power within this situation than you realize. OW is jealous of you, and is doing anything she can to split your marriage up, and you need to stop playing in her mind games, because she is after your husband in an attempt to keep him…has it not occurred to that her behavior is probably because his own behavior has changed toward her, and because she knows he still loves you at some level, this has triggered deep jealousy fueling her recent dramatic behaviors toward you?
She is acting like a TEENAGER..YOU are supposed to be a grown woman. As long as you keep allowing her to draw you into her sick games, you’re not acting any older than she is. I’m trying to help you here, because she’s creating this drama in the hopes you will end the marriage, and let the OW have your husband.
You have NOTHING to defend, and your continued presence is causing a LOT of trouble between him and her at the moment.
You’ve enough on your plate without her added antics to stress you out further. Erica, I would suggest you stop ALL contact with her immediately, and along with this line you’ve drawn in the sand, that should also stop her from getting to you in any way.
I’m going to tell you something else, and it will probably make you mad, but I heavily suspect that your HUSBAND likes seeing this kind of thing–it makes him feel like such a “man” to have two women fighting over him, and that’s the teenage aspect in him, that enjoys this kind of attention.
That’s why he doesn’t really do anything about it–of course he can’t stop some of what she does, but he could do some things to stop her from using his phone to text you..like password protect it so she cannot get into it, and he hasn’t done that–and that tells me that he’s letting this happen, because it’s a way he stays the center of attention.
You two are fighting over a “flawed” mid-life spouse, and that’s ridiculous in itself…
Food for thought, here.
I’m not trying to hurt you, I am trying to help you, and you’ve still got a lot of growing up to do, hon, because he’s so NOT worth fighting an immature OW over. Leave her totally alone is my advice.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))