From Erica:
Hello,
I am sort of new to this site…last summer I found your six stages of a midlife crisis I printed them off and have reread them many many times…at this point I am not sure of the bomb drop as I feel like there were two 🙁 ….in Oct ’12’ I found some messages on FB that he had sent to another woman….the messages were from may ’12’…asking her if she was single, would want to hang out, go to dinner or movie, etc….but just as “friends” 🙁 ….she turned him down, but I literally felt like I had been sucker punched and I lost all trust in him.
He had already been acting different prior to this but I didnt realize at the time what was going on with him. In march ’13’ we took a vacation to FL together to “reconnect” and put the past behind us. He got a call when we were on our way to Florida telling him that he got a job he had been trying to get….so we were both pretty happy about that. when we got back from Florida he started the job a week later on his first day he came home talking about this other womanso I just kind of listened and filed all the stuff he was saying away for a later date as the weeks when on I found out that this woman lives 2 houses over and we never knew her because she had recently gotten out of prison and she also got that job and she was very attracted to him and so I ended up confronting her after a few more weeks had passed when I found out he was secretly taking her work .
So anyway over a 2 mth period They built a relationship both lying to me over and over and over about it . she was telling me one thing and telling him something completely different she’s the one who actually told me that she thought he was going through a midlife crisis and not to worry because he loved me and all of the feelings he was having would pass …..I feel like she knew he was very confused and vulnerable to having an affair and took advantage of the situation….but I also believe that if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else because I feel like he had been looking for someone for about a year based on those FB messages.
So the second bomb drop….after 2 mths of crying and talking and asking him if he was having an affair and him leaving and staying gone all night 3-4 nights a week (ow was also gone on these same nights) he ran off with her on may 28 ’13’ while I was at work….didnt even say bye to the kids (4 daughters) 🙁 …..I have read every single thing I could find about mid life crisis over the past year and I realize that he’s probably about 3 to 4 years into this based on those six stages that I read the denial the anger and I believe he’s currently in replay and has been but I don’t know if he’s been in replay since the first bomb drop or the second bomb drop. and all of his stages seem to have taken longer than that amount of time that was listed in that article though I realize that times vary with each individual person but his is just taking forever it feels like.
the day he left he immediately basically shacked up with this other woman his sister let them live in her basement for six and a half months and then he got his own place with her in December of last year here in the same town that we live in 10 minutes from our home 🙁 ….it seems like he has ran acrossed the most dumbest of luck since he’s left he got into a car accident him and her both were in it and they ended up getting $22,000 I didn’t get any of that he now has a job again making $15 an hour but he is not helping he does not pay anything for the place he lives at as long as he takes care of the property he gets free rent free utilities free cable free internet while I’m struggling to maintain our home and our four kids. I have tried to be a very understanding and forgiving with him in so I have not press the issue of child support or anything like that and at this point I’m not really sure what to do he’s only had this job for 2 weeks I don’t know if it’ll even last at this point he’s not being very responsible.
when he first left he didn’t take anything initially not even his clothes or toothbrush but the few weeks following he slowly took a little bit at a time …we actually paid for a family vacation months before he left so he still went with us last June to North Carolina for a week…..but when we got back he packed up most of his things took the TV the game system the DVD player and all kinds of other stuff and left 🙁 ….after that he did start helping a little because he was still working at that time at the job where he met this other woman he was giving me money each time he got paid in trying to do little things here and there he bought the kids all their school clothes this past year that kind of stuff but as the months went on he started pulling away a lot because in the beginning he was also coming over 3 to 4 times a week and now at this point the kids might see him one to two times a month for a couple hours each time…..
I’m so sorry that this is becoming so long I just don’t know how else to explain it except to kinda tell the whole story. as far as how he is with me now, in the beginning and I’m embarrassed to admit this but in the beginning for the first four and a half months after he left we continued a relationship….he is actually the one who stopped the physical relationship between us he said that it hurt him to have any kind of physical contact with me at all and then leave meand I told him that he didn’t have to leave he was choosing to leave every time he drove away he was choosing to leave me all over again and at that point I went to the doctor and got put on antidepressants I know that I should have done that months before but I wasn’t for whatever reason ready they have helped me a lot I also got him to go to the doctor in October and get on antidepressants but he has since then stop taking them 🙁 ….he has very consistently told me this whole time that he loves me, doesn’t want a divorce, that he knows he wants to spend his life with me, that he wants me to have his last name forever, he says over and over how sorry he is, how ashamed he feels, says he isnt happy but doesn’t know how to fix this, says hes very confused.
he still lives with the other woman and he tells her a lot of these same things I see pictures of them together I hear things about them everybody else seems to think that they’re happy together but yet he tells me in a couple of our friends that he’s not happy he doesn’t want to be with her forever but yet he doesn’t want to lose her so I know he’s in replay and he’s making me crazy and I’m trying to pull away but it’s incredibly hard. I gave myself and him a deadline 3 months ago I gave him his wedding band back and I told him he had 3 months to put it on his finger and leave it there for ever and get rid of her that I couldn’t do this anymore I told him we only had till May 28th that would be the one year mark……so may 28th is next week and he hasn’t done either one of those things and I just don’t think that he’s going to but I also know that I cannot continue to stay in this situation. he tells me everything that someone in my position would want to hear and everything he says sounds good but he never follows through with any of it . he wants to keep having family days were me him and the kids all spend the day together… we’ve done this many many times over this past year…lots of fishing and boating we’ve went to Kings Island in the zoo a couple times spent every holiday together and every birthday together spend our anniversary together etc, etc….and every time he’s with me this other woman is at their house knowing that he’s with me…..everybody just keeps telling me to move on that I need to find a boyfriend that I need to find someone to spend time with everyone in his family told me that too and I’m not ready for that I don’t want that I want to be with him I want our marriage to work we’ve been together for 22 years since I was 13 years old 🙁 but he has hurt me so bad the things that he’s done the things that I’ve heard when I see her it just all hits me hard and it hurts me bad
Everytime I see her I want to rip her hair out of her head because I know what kind of person she is I know what kind of woman she is she preys on these kind of men she’s done this before her daughter is the product of an affair. she lost both of her kids because she was a heroin addict and that’s why she went to prison to for trafficking heroin so she doesn’t have her children she has no responsibility at all and she’s 100 living off of my husband he’s supporting her in every way she doesn’t work and…as far as our kids go he does not ever take them for any time alone he said he doesn’t want to see them if he can’t see me too he said he’s never going to do the “kid /girlfriend thing” ever…he’s told me why should he involve someone else in his kids lives, someone who’s not even going to be around much longer….he’s said stuff like this for about 8 months now maybe 10 months and I keep asking him if he’s ready to start taking the kids and he keeps telling me no but that’s not what he wants he wants to be with me and our family he wants his family back he doesn’t want to lose us forever he doesn’t want his kids to see him with her etc etc…..:( …..at this point all of our kids now know that he lives 10 minutes away they know that he has four wheelers and puppies in a pond and all kinds of really cool things where he lives and they keep asking me everyday when can I start going to see their dad and I tell them to ask him in when they do he doesn’t answer them so I don’t really know what to do about that I don’t know if I should force visitation upon him.
But at the same time I’m concerned about this other woman in her background and what kind of effect she might have on my kids….I know that I love him more than I could probably ever loved any other man and even after all the pain he’s caused me and our family I still know that I am very much in love with him and he tells me the same thing that he’s in love with me and that he knows that he wants me to be his wife forever but that he’s just doesn’t know what he’s doing he says I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know…..I need advice….I need guidance….I have prayed alot ….I feel so lost and I know my emotions are affecting my girls but im just in so much pain….and he doesn’t know how much he is hurting our kids….and im so lonely, ive never been w/o him. He was my best friend!!!! What do I do 🙁
Hearts Blessing’s reply:
Hi Erica,
He’s in a clear emotional cycle where he wants BOTH women–believe it or not, there are many mid-life spouses who will do this same thing IF they are allowed to get away with it. If allowed, this keeps them stuck, and keeps the left-behind spouse stuck, too.
He’s talking, but not walking this talk–if that makes sense. He’s telling you all these things, but because of his ongoing addiction to how the other woman makes him feel, he stays entrapped within his affair. Hon, you’re letting him hold you in a place where he speaks enough to give you hope, then keeps going back to her. He’s wanting you and her both–and not wanting to choose between.
My advice would be to prepare to move forward, cut contact with him, and let him know that when he knows what he wants, then you’re open to talk, but as long as she is in the picture, there will be no more relationship, no contact, nothing between yourself and him.
The fact is, you can’t do one thing about what he’s doing, but you can change the dynamics on your part in what you are doing to show him what he’s losing in you. I don’t advocate dating while married, and if you’re wanting to move on, as opposed to moving forward, you would need to properly end your marriage. You’re saying you want him, but you keep allowing him access to you, while you know he is still living with the other woman–so, he’s hopping back and forth with no real incentive to make a solid decision that would bring him back toward you.
You’re sacrificing your self-respect on an altar of his sin at this point.
I would suggest you remove yourself entirely from the equation, and lay it all on the line clearly for him—-and while you’re letting him “chew” on that, you need to get on that journey toward wholeness and healing I keep harping on people to take for themselves…and leave him twisting in the wind. You might love him, but he is disrespecting you at this point, and behavioral boundaries in this area-between you and him-need to be set, because it’s obvious that he wants this best of both worlds, and this cannot be.
OW is NOT your problem, she IS HIS—and she’s nothing to you, while she is something he needs to do something about, and as long as he doesn’t, this whole cycle will continue running. While love covers a multitude of sin, it also knows to set boundaries against disrespect. If he were trying to break up with OW, that would be one thing–but all you’re seeing is a whole lot of talk, and NO ACTION—and action is what you would need to see before you began having anything to do with him.
Again, he wants you, but he also wants her–and he cannot have both–he can only have one, and it’s going to fall on you to draw that line that needs to be drawn–make him put his money where his mouth is…and make it clear that if he’s going to talk, you want to see a clear walk, or he won’t have contact with you for a long while.
He may go one of two ways: test your boundaries hard, only to see that you mean serious business, and start through the process of breaking down his affair in earnest–OR, he may choose NOT to honor your boundaries, and decide to walk away–these are his choices.
Overcome your fear of losing what has already been lost, and lay it on the line. I believe he still has feelings for you, but his behavior is crying out for a serious boundary on your part. He’s not going to do this on his own–it’s going to take you to show him that enough is enough….then the ball will be put firmly within his court.
One other thing–if he chooses a wrong road again, I would advise you to begin preparing to begin protecting yourself in the financial area–and think seriously on hitting him for child support. You’re struggling while he’s doing what he wants, and that isn’t fair, not just to you, but to your children.
That OW doesn’t need the money, but you and your children DO. Food for thought.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
From Erica:
Dear HB,
Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to provide this guidance to so many of us who seem to be lost in the craziness of all of this. I have a few questions. I am still trying to figure out when the “bomb drop” was for my situation and also trying to figure out when he may have entered the replay stage….would it be may ’12’ when he began messaging another woman via facebook or when I first found the facebook messages in oct ’12’, or when I first felt like he was involved with this OW april ’13’ or when he actually left with this OW may ’13’ ? Because all of these situations were devastating to me. Also, I have been thinking about this whole situation regarding our children and him not seeming to want to take them and visit without me. I am wondering if maybe in his head he feels like he has two seperate lives right now and as long as he doesnt combine the two in anyway, that he can just continue like he has been…..and maybe to him , if he were to start taking the kids for visitation to his new place he shares with the OW, maybe to him it would feel like those two lives were colliding and thats not something hes ready for….what do you think??? And one more thing….regarding me removing myself from his life and regarding one of our kids. Our 11 yr old has JRA and sees a rheumatologist every 3 mths since she was 4 . In the beginning my H went to every appt for about the first yr after diagnosis, but then only went occassionally, but since he left a year ago he has been insistent that he go to every appt and that he will drive the hr drive there so I wont have to. So he has been to every appt this past yr and her next one is actually tomorrow….which I forgot about until a couple hrs ago when I looked at the calendar….he wants to go and I dont want to deny him of that but how am I to detach and move forward while hes “fixing” himself when we have child related issues such as this???? Im just not sure how to work around all these things with the kids that he wants to attend or accompany us to!!!
Hearts Blessing’s Reply:
Hello Erica,
I am wondering if maybe in his head he feels like he has two seperate lives right now and as long as he doesnt combine the two in anyway, that he can just continue like he has been…..and maybe to him , if he were to start taking the kids for visitation to his new place he shares with the OW, maybe to him it would feel like those two lives were colliding and thats not something hes ready for….what do you think???
Anything is possible. What does it matter at this point? He’s in an affair, and as long as he’s within this affair, things are going to have to run their course, and until they do, he will remain right where he is. Even if you knew exactly what he was thinking, what could you do about it? NOTHING. You can’t possibly know what’s on his mind.
Furthermore, it’s a GOOD thing he doesn’t want to expose his children to his illicit affair—somewhere in himself, he knows this is wrong, OW isn’t meant to be permanent, and he has to figure these things out for himself. She is HIS problem, NOT YOURS. Sometimes what we think, isn’t always what we come to know. You may think this way, and he may be thinking from yet another angle. I couldn’t say, because I’m not him.
Our 11 yr old has JRA and sees a rheumatologist every 3 mths since she was 4 . In the beginning my H went to every appt for about the first yr after diagnosis, but then only went occassionally, but since he left a year ago he has been insistent that he go to every appt and that he will drive the hr drive there so I wont have to. So he has been to every appt this past yr and her next one is actually tomorrow….which I forgot about until a couple hrs ago when I looked at the calendar….he wants to go and I dont want to deny him of that but how am I to detach and move forward while hes “fixing” himself when we have child related issues such as this???? Im just not sure how to work around all these things with the kids that he wants to attend or accompany us to!!!
While I understand he wants to be involved with his children, to keep his “good guy” “good father” image up, it seems to me that if he wants to be there, that’s his right to be there, but you would need to begin driving yourself to these appointments, while he drives himself, if this is how it’s going to be–you changed things, so surrounding circumstances are often exposed to the “ripple effect” when one thing changes, it changes everything around it.
It’s HIS responsibility to keep up with when his daughter’s doctor’s appointments are, and it’s not your responsibility to remind him. If he wants to keep up with it, he can find out for himself, and be there if he wants to be. When you chose to draw this line, it necessitated changes all the way around…and you’ll have to deal with that.
You’ll need to figure out how to balance this particular aspect for yourself-that’s something you would need to decide for yourself. Those are the children that belong to you and to him, and you’re right, you cannot deny him the right to be there, but your attitude is going to have to reflect the line you recently drew–not in a cold way, but in a distanced and detached sort of way…friendly, but distant.
It’s apparent he’s been trying to prevent things from changing, because one thing and then another is coming up, and as long as he continues making sure he doesn’t lose contact with you, he will continue what he’s doing–because he would have NO incentive to change anything.
You laid it down on the line, and you would need to hold that line for yourself–this drawing of the line on your part is not about your kids in the first place–your laying of the line is all about YOU, and only YOU can detach yourself, act AS IF he’s a total stranger if you’re having to be in the same room as he is.
It’s also very obvious that you weren’t ready to do this, because you’re not ready to completely let go of him–and that must be done if one is to hold a line drawn–and because of your lack of understanding that change takes TIME to take hold. From I understood, you must have thought he would resolve this affair in a day, or maybe in several hours, when this isn’t possible–it almost never happens like that.
These things never do resolve quickly…Even if/when he breaks his affair down, and returns, there may be a LOT of time that goes by before this happens-it’s not unusual for him to try like he’s been trying, then get angry, spew at you, and then fear will force his hand, one way or the other-and again it all takes TIME….Whether he does it quickly or not, you’re still going to be subjected to watching him grieve this illicit connection out, and you wouldn’t be able to do one thing to help him get through it, because this would be on him…but for right now, you’ll need to concentrate on holding your drawn line, and see what will happen next.
As a matter of fact, it ALL hinges on him–and you would need to leave this on him.
One other thing from an earlier comment you wrote:
Im struggling with forgiveness…I am certain that I can, in time, forgive my husband for the pain he has caused us, but this OW he is with…I am struggling to forgive her. She willingly and knowingly involved herself in this situation. If she had been some random person that I had never met and she didnt know about me or the kids until after she developed feelings for my H I could prob feel sorry for her, but this OW knew about me and our kids.
Now, I read your post in full several times-forget forgiving her at the moment, right now, you’re deeply entangled with this woman, and as long as you remain like this, you’re not going to get anywhere within the realm of forgiveness, Erica…
WHY are you even dealing with her in the first place? She is your HUSBAND’s PROBLEM–NOT YOURS. You’re allowing this woman to drag you into unnecessary drama, when what you need to do, is LEAVE HER ALONE completely.
She is NOTHING to you–and both of you women are behaving like kids, teenagers, and you’ll need to get beyond that kind of crappy drama. IGNORE HER, SHE IS NOTHING TO YOU!
You’re his WIFE, so you have more power within this situation than you realize. OW is jealous of you, and is doing anything she can to split your marriage up, and you need to stop playing in her mind games, because she is after your husband in an attempt to keep him…has it not occurred to that her behavior is probably because his own behavior has changed toward her, and because she knows he still loves you at some level, this has triggered deep jealousy fueling her recent dramatic behaviors toward you?
She is acting like a TEENAGER..YOU are supposed to be a grown woman. As long as you keep allowing her to draw you into her sick games, you’re not acting any older than she is. I’m trying to help you here, because she’s creating this drama in the hopes you will end the marriage, and let the OW have your husband.
You have NOTHING to defend, and your continued presence is causing a LOT of trouble between him and her at the moment.
You’ve enough on your plate without her added antics to stress you out further. Erica, I would suggest you stop ALL contact with her immediately, and along with this line you’ve drawn in the sand, that should also stop her from getting to you in any way.
I’m going to tell you something else, and it will probably make you mad, but I heavily suspect that your HUSBAND likes seeing this kind of thing–it makes him feel like such a “man” to have two women fighting over him, and that’s the teenage aspect in him, that enjoys this kind of attention.
That’s why he doesn’t really do anything about it–of course he can’t stop some of what she does, but he could do some things to stop her from using his phone to text you..like password protect it so she cannot get into it, and he hasn’t done that–and that tells me that he’s letting this happen, because it’s a way he stays the center of attention.
You two are fighting over a “flawed” mid-life spouse, and that’s ridiculous in itself…
Food for thought, here.
I’m not trying to hurt you, I am trying to help you, and you’ve still got a lot of growing up to do, hon, because he’s so NOT worth fighting an immature OW over. Leave her totally alone is my advice.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
Dear HB,
Im struggling with forgiveness…I am certain that I can, in time, forgive my husband for the pain he has caused us, but this OW he is with…I am struggling to forgive her. She willingly and knowingly involved herself in this situation. If she had been some random person that I had never met and she didnt know about me or the kids until after she developed feelings for my H I could prob feel sorry for her, but this OW knew about me and our kids. She knew how hurt I was feeling and how much I loved my H, but she chose to lie to my face over and over for 2 mths before they ran off together and ever since then has continued to create drama and more pain in my life. If she would have just left me alone from the beginning, I prob wouldn’t feel so angry towards her, but as it is, she has since last June, tried in every possible way to create conflict b/t my H and I, as if there wasn’t already enough 🙁 she began by making up “anonymous” text messages and telling him I was sending them to her ….these messages contained bits and pieces of conversations my H and I had via PM on FB ….after about a mth of that and it not working in her favor, she began texting me and telling me to stop using our kids against my H and that I needed to start letting them visit their dad at “their” place. I never responded, I showed them to my H and told him if thats what he wanted then thats what we would start doing…he said “no” he didnt want her to be apart of our kids lives. So that didnt work for her either so that same week she actually got on his phone at 3:00 am and began texting me pretending to be him….the conversation was basically him asking me to please tell her everything that he didnt want to do this anymore, saying he loved me and callibg me babe…etc., etc., and I really believed I was texting with him…..so then she starts texting me from her phone and so by the end of this (@7:00am) ….my H thought I did this to hurt him and I thought he betrayed me again and this put a huge wedge b/t us because She had deleted all the messages off of his phone and certain ones off of her phone making it look like I initiated that whole act of deception and betrayal…..but I had the proof on my phone…so again this game of hers didnt work in pulling my H farther away from me. She then started getting on his FB acct through his phone and deleted pics of me and changed his relationship status from married to in a relationship and at the same time was posting things on her FB page targeted at me. She deleted pics of me off of his phone, she has texted me many more times….she has frequently read his phone messages b/t him and i and i know this because shes mentioned things to him that she could have only known about by getting on his phone. On feb 4 she used my H phone to call me and purposely baited him into a conversation and transitioned the conversation into talking about sex. I imagine she prob thought I had answered that call but my voicemail picked up and recorded a 2 min conversation b/t them . And that particular incident literally left my blood boiling so although it was 11 pm and a level 3 , and much to her surprise, I drove over there and knocked on their front door….had not very nice words with my H….he didnt say anything except “whats wrong? What are you talking about?” ….so I let him listen to the voicemail and his head dropped in shame….and he kept saying ” I love you” 🙁 …they got into a huge fight that night and so she started texting me at 2:00 am for awhile, then again at 7:00 am. No matter how much I kept asking her to stop texting me, she just kept doing it. I have blocked her numbers before, but she changes them so she can text me. And since then she has questioned my H about some things that were on his phone (messages) and when he asked her how she knew that stuff, she told him “erica messaged me and told me” , which is a lie….Clearly she is not right in her head!!! Her behavior mimics that of a 15 year old high school girl. So all these things are the main reason why I cant seem to find forgiveness for her. If she would just leave me alone!!! Shes still trying to put more distance and conflict b/t my H and I. And although I am angry with her because of these things…..my H knows about every single one and is still with her. Even though he may have addressed a few of these things with her, by staying with her I feel like hes basically over looking all of these things shes done and continues to do….so why would she stop? You know what I mean?! She reads his phone alot, and so she knows what he says to me….EVERYTHING….and she knows what he tells me about him not wanting to involve her in our kids’s lives. I cant understand why shes still there when she knows what hes been saying to me this whole time….I would think if she really loved him it would hurt her to read those things and she would confront him about stuff!!! And a couple weeks ago when I went down to their house , to get a battery for my mower, my H, his sister and OW were all outside and seemed to be enjoying each others company, which of course hurt my feelings, but when I was walking away to leave ,my H told me he loved me and she was standing right beside him….it caught off guard and honestly it upset me so I replied “yeah, I can tell” 🙁 ….for whatever reason I can process my H actions, though wrong and hurtful, and kinda sorta understand that he is in this crisis and thats why he behaves this way now….but her….I cannot find any excusable reason for her behavior and childish antics except she just has an evil soul and a black heart 🙁 at this point, I feel like forgiveness for her is so far beyond my reach and I know its only hurting me to feel this way about her….:(
Dear HB,
So, on the 28 th I spoke with my H and told him I could not be a part of his life anymore as long as the OW remains in the picture. I said alot of things to him, just basically how I am feeling and that I understand to a degree of how he may be feeling. I told him just as you suggested, that when he knows what he wants we can talk. I told him the kids ask me everyday if and when they can stay the night at his house….he had no response….I gave him some letters our 9 & 11 year olds wrote him asking him these same things….i actually gave him the letters earlier that day and by evening when I spoke with him he still had not read them 🙁 …I dont think hes going to. I told him i think he needs to involve the kids in his life. I told him obviously thats not what I wanted , but what him or I want doesn’t matter cuz the kids want to spend time with their dad and they realize in order to do that they will also have to see the OW and they have accepted that. I havent really accepted it but I know my kids need their dad and whether he realizes it or not, i think he needs them and I know I need to detach from him so i dont see any other solution to this problem 🙁 🙁 , but the whole time I was talking with him he didnt really say much and the more I talked the more his shoulders seemed to slump forward and his head was down and he just looked pitiful 🙁 at the end of our conversation I gave him my wedding ring back and I told him when he was ready to put his back on and wear it forever thats when I would put mine back on. I told him if that day never comes regardless of the reason…cuz we dont know what the future holds….so if that day never comes or he decides to stay on the path hes on, I told him he could bury our rings under the tree he carved our names in this past September 🙁 …..Sep 1 ’13’ , he carved ( shawn loves erica) , but love was a heart ,not the word, …..I thought then that the OW wouldn’t be there much longer, but now its june 1 and nothings really changed since then:( …..he now lives on the property where that tree is with this OW . His uncles owned the land at that time but they sold it in Dec and hes the ‘care taker’ of it in exchange for free living arrangements. But him doing that just seemed like a really meaningful thing to me because it really takes some time to carve names into a tree and if he was so in love with her and happy with her and didnt want to be with me then why carve my name? Why not hers instead? …..but the more I read the more his erratic behavior makes sense to me. About a month ago he sent me a text saying he had just passed a church and there was a sign out front that read “a man who tries to walk two roads will surely split his pants” ….he said he read that and felt like it was put there for him to see. I just told him maybe it was and that maybe it was meant to make him think. I told him one rd will lead him back to me and our family but the other rd….the one hes currently on….would continue to pull him farther away from us and maybe so far that he will never be able to come back 🙁 ….I told him it was definitely something to think about. So anyway, as far as our conversation on the 28, when I left I gave him a long hug and quick kiss and told him I loved him and to please never forget that and when he knew what he wanted to let me know. Then I left. He sent me a blank text the following day around 1 pm and I didnt respond. That evening he sent me 5 more texts but I didnt respond. Again at 11:30 pm he texted me but I was asleep. When I woke in the morning our 19 yr old dtr said he texted her asking if I was okay cuz I wouldn’t answer his messages 🙁 ….so I sent him some messages just reiterating what I had told him on the 28 th. So later that day he calls me and says hes on his way to the house to bring me a new refrigerator he had bought for me 2 mths ago and just neglected to bring over….so he came over and we got the fridge taken care of and before he left I gave him another hug and kiss and told him I got his messages…one of his messages said “im not really ok with what happened yesterday with the ring thing” …asked him if he’d gotton mine (he said yes) and I told him I wanted my ring back, but not until he was ready to wear his forever too. He didnt say anything about the kids staying or the next time he would see them. I tried to get him to take some more of his stuff, but he said he didnt have time. I havent seen or heard from him since. Our 19 yr old said she talked to him last night and he asked her how her sisters were and if I was okay 🙁 ….im trying to stay strong. I want to be the ‘stanchion’ I read about. I dont want to move on. I love him and right now, even after everything thats happened, I am committed to our marriage.
Well, hes texting me again. I havent responded….I know i shouldnt, but at the same time it makes me feel bad. It makes my heart ache 🙁 so should I just ignore him?????:(
Erica,
You’ve made your position clear. Your husband knows what he needs to do, and since you decided to move forward with this boundary, now, you’ll need to hold your ground, and see what he does next-besides the constant texting. If you break down, and give in to him, (which right now is what HE wants, because he doesn’t want anything to change) things will continue as is, and he won’t have any incentive to stop what he’s doing, OR choose to go on with her….he doesn’t want to make this choice-he wants you AND her. However, he cannot have both women, and what you hope is that he’ll begin breaking his affair down, but until he begins taking any action, again, you’ll need to hold your ground in this. Nothing ever happens on a dime, especially within the mid-life crisis affair. You’ve stated your boundary twice–and what he’s trying to do is put things back to where they were before, so he doesn’t have to make a decision…this is about him, not you.
It makes you feel bad, because you love him and think you’re doing something “to” him when you set a boundary, when you’re not doing that—your boundary is about you, not him in the first place.
Not enough time has gone by for him to see you honestly meant what you said–he’s testing you to see if you’re serious–that’s to be expected. It could take a few days to a week to a month or even longer to see what he will do…the ball is solely within his court at this time.
Go on with your life for now, drop your expectations to zero, and leave him completely alone to decide for himself what he wants.
((hugs))
Dear HB,
Thank you for your response to my last post, I have read it many times and have thought about what you’ve said. I want you to know that I find strength in your words of encouragement. It really truly helps to receive advice from someone who has actually went through this, and for that, I am very grateful. I seem to get ALOT of advice, but the majority of it is from people telling me that im wasting my life and hurting myself by not moving on with someone else, that hes a loser and I deserve better and if he really loved our kids and me that he wouldn’t be doing the things hes doing, etc., etc. I disagree and dont believe These people understand. They are only seeing this mess from the outside in. They dont know how to see it from the inside out.
HB,
So as I previously mentioned, I had spoke with H on the 28th…basically removing myself from his life. Then he texted me a few times the next couple of days to which I did not respond. He did not end up going to dtrs rheumatology appt on the 2nd, which was prob a good thing. He texted me that eve though asking how things went. I told him about the appt but then also told him AGAIN that I no longer wished to communicate with him until he had his head straight and OW was out of his life. I asked him not to text me anymore. On the 4 th I recieved some documents from our mortgage company….all bad news :(….these were time sensitive documents that needed addressed asap….so I felt I had no choice but to meet with him to discuss this new problem. The new problem being…I can no longer afford to stay in the house, so I have to sell it or walk away from it. I explained this to him and told him I have 3 options…1) he can pay the mortgage 2) he can get rid of OW and the kids and I can live with him in his free living accommodations or 3) the kids and I can move 3 1/2 hrs away to my brothers. He was quiet for a few min and then said he would try to figure something out…SMH! So after that I went back to distancing myself, but he cont to text occassionally. A week later I pass him in town, but I dont make eye contact and just kept driving. OW was with him and honestly, even after a yr it feels like a knife in my heart when I see them together :'( the next day he starts texting me, accusing me of sleeping around and / or having a boyfriend cuz I wont answer his messages and says ” when you passed me yest you covered your face like you were ashamed” ….SMH…he made me angry so I responded and defended myself. He said because I wont text him all he can do is sit around and wonder what im doing and worry about me. I told him to worry about himself and that he needed to listen to this song…come back down by lifehouse. Told him AGAIN that when he knew for sure what/ who he wanted to let me know. 30 min go by and he texts again saying ” I love you so much, I know it cant be seen because I keep messing things up” . I told him I loved him so much too but that I cant help him fix this…that he has to fix himself and asked him to please stop running from his pain and problems and just face these things, deal with and accept his past and when he “comes back down” to please come find me and our kids. I know I was prob just wasting my time but I felt like I needed to tell him that. He didnt text me anymore after that. So then another wk goes by and I found someone who wants to buy my house, but of course my H has to agree and there were some documents he needed to sign, so I call him and tell him I needed to meet up and talk about the house etc., etc. So he meets up with the kids and I. I tell him about this other person wanting to buy the house and he asks me where are the kids and I are going to go…SMH…so I remind him of my 3 options I had given him a couple wks earlier and then I tell him the kids and I are moving to my brothers because he cant afford to pay the mortgage and hes obviously not ready to let go of OW yet so that leaves me only one choice 🙁 so after we parted ways that day he messaged the 11 yr old and told her ” I love you girls, all 5 of you” . So the next day which brings us to this past thursday the 19 th, he texts me 17 times telling me hes not ok with us moving away, that he wont be able to afford to drive there to see us, that he doesnt want to lose me or lose our kids….he said ” what can I do to keep us from falling apart?, well, prob dont answer that. I know the answer.” ….then he said he truly loves me even though his actions don’t show that….and ended by saying ” I love you, ok” . I didnt respond. Yesterday he texted again in the am asking if I was getting his messages. I didnt respond. You were correct in saying that I wasnt ready to let him go….I prob wont ever be truly ready to let him go because I love him so much, but I know I have to and knowing that coupled with your very sound advice and everything ive read and learned about MLC, I am letting him go. I am breaking my own heart even more and will cont to pray for him and our marriage in the hopes that this will have a positive outcome. The kids and I are moving before school starts back up and if he truly loves us like he keeps saying he does and wants to be the husband and father he says he wants to be and if we are meant to be together, then he will come find us no matter where we are! I feel terrible about ignoring him but I keep re-reading the things you have told me and it helps me to stay on track as much as possible.
Dear HB,
This is really hard…im feeling really bummed right now. I have all these things running through my head and I feel like crying but right this minute im sitting at the public library with my girls so I cant cry 🙁 I have been really focusing on me and the kids and just trying to stay distanced and detached from him and so far I have been able to, but we have an appt with an attorney friday to sign papers to sell the house and although hes texted me numerous times ,to which I didnt answer, I texted him last night to let him know about the appt and now hes not responding…grrr!!! its very frustrating because he has to be there and he knows this is prob our only chance to sell this house (for many reasons) and I feel like hes avoiding discussing this on purpose because he doesnt want the kids and I to move away but at the same time he could prevent us moving away by letting us live with him and hes apparently not willing to do that either because NOTHING has changed in regards to that situation. I feel like hes not going to show up at the attorneys office friday and like hes going to try and do anything he can to keep me stuck in this town 🙁 I actually drove out to his place…the kids and I….to discuss this stuff with him and verify weather or not he was going to show up but he wasnt home and honestly im glad he wasnt. I shouldnt have even attempted to put myself in that position cuz at the end of the day its me im hurting 🙁 but at the same time, It upsets me that he wasnt home cuz he says he doesnt spend time with the kids cuz he doesnt have gas money to come see them and he doesnt want to have them at his place but yet he has gas money to run around with the OW ???!!!! That makes me angry and annoyed. Its like the kids are such a low priority to him and it breaks my heart….he was so good to them and with them before this and now hes damaging his relationship with them and its like he doesnt know that or just doesnt care 🙁 it breaks my heart.
I have so many things and so many questions running through my head all the time…so much pain in my heart and so many painful memories in my head. The painful memories of this past 14 mths or so , now seem to be out weighing all the wonderful memories of our 21 yrs together. Im home now and lying in bed trying to sleep as I have to be up at 5:30 am for work, but of course my heart is heavy and im alone and so im in tears. I hate nights like this 🙁 I cant get him out of my mind….all the unknowns, all the whats and whys of this mess…..sometimes I feel like im suffocating from the weight of the pain. The nurse in me understands from a mental health perspective but the wife in me really struggles with understanding 🙁 I read and re-read everything I can about this in the hopes that it will help me find peace and help me to keep faith in our love and in our marriage but there are still times (like tonight) when I wonder about things…like, why would he ever even want to come back? Hes been gone over a year and where he is now with the OW he has no kids, no bills, no responsibilities and all the freedom he could want. Why would he want to come back from all of that to a wife, 4 kids, tons of responsibility, stress and the chaos that a large family creates? Right now he doesnt have to work if he doesnt want to, but here with me, he would have to work. Hes missing out on so much 🙁 and we (he & I) are missing out on so much and losing so much from our marriage….its not like we’re getting any younger…..and time isnt going to stand still and the kids wont stay little while hes progressing through this. I worry that by time he wants to come back IF that ever even happens, that the girls will all be teenagers or older and they will have so much anger and resentment towards him and me….I dont even know how I will feel. Or maybe he will just choose to stay gone 🙁 IDK and not knowing is one of the worst parts of this for me.