Upon request, I’m copying and pasting, Booboo’s posts and my answers onto a page of her own. I imagine that we will most likely continue our ongoing discussion in the below comment blocks. I wish I could actually move the comments physically, but I cannot do this because this isn’t a forum message board.
Booboo’s comment
Hi, I hope I am posting in the right section…and I also hope you are well Heartsblessings.
I have a question that has been nagging me for a few days now. I am usually in regular contact with my h, but he hasn’t been in touch for over 10 days and on sunday found out through the kids that he has gone away. 5 hours away, therefore could not visit.
That place he is at, is where a very good friend of him lives, one he sees as a father figure and hasn’t been there since a few days before bd. I believe he went there before to withdraw.
Also, recently, his childhood issues have really come to the surface- with his mother.
2 of his step fathers have now died leaving only his natural father alive. He hasn’t seen him in 30 years. My h is 36.
Thing is, the place he is at now is en route to his natural father’s place….
I have no idea what he has been up while away.
My question is: at one point during mlc does a mlcer really look uopn their childhood issues and begin to face them?
Thank you.
Kind regards, Booboo x
Hearts Blessing
Hello Booboo! 🙂
Good to see you again! I’m doing well, thank you for your comment. I certainly hope this answering comment finds you also doing well. 🙂 It’s quite all right where you posted your comment-I don’t have a particular “set spot” for people to post their questions, and I do see every comment that comes in from my backend. I try not to miss anyone who has questions for me, and I don’t see any reason to restrict where people write their comments in the first place. 🙂
This was your question:
My question is: at one point during mlc does a mlcer really look uopn their childhood issues and begin to face them?
As a matter of fact, yes, most of them do, and most of them actually do resolve these childhood issues as they progress through the mid-life crisis. This is really what the bulk of this time of change, growth and becoming is all about. If none of them ever resolved themselves at all, you would not have various people who were “marked” as having come completely through this transitional period, nor would you have people who show full emotional maturity, as this time is also designed to finish what was started at the time of puberty.
It brings into balance an emotional imbalance that exists long before the crisis came about. As far as HOW they do it, I really can’t answer this-that’s up to the person going through-between themselves and God who works with them during this time.
Also on a side note, here: The life’s lessons that must be learned for BOTH people are exactly the SAME–the journey to wholeness and healing for both people is also the same-the only difference is timing, and the severity of issues that need facing within each person.
Had I not come through my own Transitional period completely, I would not be where I am today, Booboo. I spent 7 1/2 years in Transition, emerged when I was 42. God in His mercy, guided me through, helped me to face my various childhood issues. I always said that I had as many issues as your typical mid-life spouse-the only difference was I didn’t employ any of the avoidance behaviors designed to prevent me from facing and confronting myself.
I’m certain I have this written down somewhere in a backup, and I might put that out sometime.
It wouldn’t be very interesting reading, I don’t think, because other than staying very angry at my husband most of the time, I had no real drama occur on my part-but this would have been because I didn’t take the detours. I let the Lord lead me-and sometimes I gave Him a LOT of trouble, LOL, but you know, He needed me to come through, so I could be here in this place today, if that makes sense.
He has always put me and other people where we needed to be, when we needed to be there, and His Time is, of course, not like ours. He blessed me beyond measure, beyond anything that I have ever expected, and regardless of whatever trials I have faced in the past, or will face in the future, He never forgot me. Knowing this, I let people know, God never forgets anyone deep within a life’s trial-He will bless them abundantly, all along the way. If not for Him, I would not be. 🙂 🙂 🙂
However, I did not know what was coming in my own future at the time of my own Transitional Period-I only knew at that time, that I was in a lot of pain, heartache, sorrow, and I didn’t want to be in the deep emotional valley the Lord was leading me through for all that time. I didn’t want to scale the high mountains-in fact I didn’t want to do anything, but be left alone. Yet, God, nudged me gently, insistently, and guided me–He was never “mean” to me, but He was insistent at my most receptive, if that makes sense…and this is how God works with stubborn mid-life spouses.
The point being, there came a time when I couldn’t run from myself anymore, and I settled in to get all this necessary resolving done, so I could come out, and finally have peace within myself. This might help you to understand the motivation, but the emotional pain of continuing as I was, had to become so severe that I began to understand the answers were truly within ME. In order to continue forward, I was actually “forced” to begin facing my own issues, and it wasn’t easy to learn how to resolve these, but because I became receptive to the Lord’s help, He provided me with pieces of advice that were a “help” to me as an individual-so I would begin to understand what I needed to do in order to move forward toward the light that really was at the end of this tunnel of my trial.
This was my own experience-no two people are alike, but the main motivator for choosing to face oneself, is the rending pain that doesn’t decrease-it increases over time, and in degrees–leaving the person going through this torment, two choices:
(1) Go on, endure through this pain, and face the actual root issue(s), and come on through or
(2) Keep running away, and keep letting this torment you continuously–the more you run, the worse it gets–and the time shortens between these periods of deep torment. Pain can be a great motivator to bring forth change.
Food for thought.
However, as I have said above, the mid-life spouse must begin working through their past damage/childhood issues, or these will continue to return and torment them until they learn to confront themselves.
There are some that spend their lives running from themselves, when no one can ever truly get away from two aspects in this life: themselves, and God, who created them. Sometimes their childhood damage will catch up with them at a time when they’re most receptive, and God do His own brand of work that assists them in this facing of themselves, too.
Some things are faced in a group, some are faced, one at a time-but they can be faced, and the mid-life spouse must face most of these, in order to continue forward for themselves. We may not understand a lot of what they do and say, but in time, it becomes more important that God understands what they are doing and saying during this time. We may not know everything they are facing, and as well as we do know them, we may not know every last bit of suffering they went through as children.
However, if all we can do is pray-sometimes that’s ALL we can do. 🙂
((hugs)) I hope all this helps, Sweetheart. 🙂
Much love,
HB
P.S. If you would rather that I moved this to a page of your own, please do let me know, and I will move it. I was pulling different comments because of length-yours wasn’t that long of an answer, but still, it occurred to me that you might like to have that–and if so, again, let me know, and I’ll move everything. 🙂 ((hugs))
Booboo
Hi, Hearts blessing!
Thank you for your prompt response. I get and undertsand everything you said. I had a life transition myself at the tender age of 25, so I know where you are coming from.
Before I go any further with my assumptions, I thought I’d let you know that my BD was 19 months ago but mlcer started replay behviour about 4 years ago….I just didn’t support it and got in the way.
Anyway, I after a whole load of reading last night and most particularly about the stages, am I right in assuming that it is during the start of the depression/withdraw stage that the mcer starts facing his foo issues head on?
He really is going that way and has appeared more depressed, stressed, irritated and ill than ever before during his crisis…
Any thoughts, thank you.
Booboo xx
PS: The q&a are fine where they are, thank you xx
Hearts Blessing
Hello Booboo! 🙂
What you endured at the age of 25, was known as a “quarter-life” transition. This is a time where some people can finish themselves-and these types of navigators seem to gain the most wisdom at this young age. I honestly believe it’s because they chose to go ahead and learn life’s lessons at that time, and God never forgets the ones who learn these lessons early in life. My son is now 27, and I continue to see in him huge increases in his wisdom. I find myself asking him a lot of questions about some of the deeper aspects I have yet to learn, and his answers are quite interesting. Sometimes I forget whom I’m talking to, and the fact that he’s 20 years younger than I am, but that really doesn’t matter to me. I will learn from whomsoever God chooses to send me, regardless of how old they are. 🙂 It’s helpful to him that he continues to follow the Lord, and his Intuition is quite strong-much stronger than mine at times.
Before I go any further with my assumptions, I thought I’d let you know that my BD was 19 months ago but mlcer started replay behviour about 4 years ago….I just didn’t support it and got in the way.
Then you know what I speak of when I say that when we get in the way, we actually hinder the mid-life spouse’s journey, because their crisis will continue, regardless of what we do/don’t do. I would venture to guess that you tried to block him, and he only got worse. Don’t beat yourself up, if that’s the case, because we’re human, too, and we often do things out of ignorance before we learn a better way.
Anyway, I after a whole load of reading last night and most particularly about the stages, am I right in assuming that it is during the start of the depression/withdraw stage that the mcer starts facing his foo issues head on?
He really is going that way and has appeared more depressed, stressed, irritated and ill than ever before during his crisis…
He begins facing his FOO (Family of Origin) issues head-on starting in Depression…shades of these begin showing as the mid-life spouse begins the process of “crossing over” into Depression. Sometimes, because they perceive they’re going downhill, and this would be true, because Replay is the “highest point” of the crisis, whilst Depression is the “lowest point”, and crossing over is really tough, because they have a tendency to want to fight this aspect.
It IS a gradual slide, and this crossover doesn’t complete in a fast way–it’s akin to an adjustment of some kind–going from “fast” to “slow”…and I have seen some mid-life spouses fight this to the death, because to them, it doesn’t “feel” right, and it doesn’t “feel” good, so, it wouldn’t be unusual to possibly see a several “false starts” before they are finally “slid” into the stage of Depression.
What this is, is the Replay aspects are sliding off of them, because Replay has no real place within this next stage–and it’s going take everything he’s got to navigate through Depression. This triggers fear of what’s to come, but this fear has to be overcome by them, in order to complete this crossover.
Once the crossover is complete, his already-existing depression, which has always been present all this time, will deepen into a darker outlook. His mood swings should increase, his irritation should also increase, and this will try your patience to the max. You may also see him show physical symptoms that look just like Menopause, complete with hot flashes, and the first time it happens, you might think he was running a heavy fever or something–until he became very cold within a few minutes. We recognize this aspect in women all of the time, but we don’t always recognize this in men.
Their testosterone levels drop, just like estrogen levels in women will drop, and that’s what will cause hot flashes-as he should suffer through a hormonal imbalance, if you’ve not seen these signs in him, already.
Also pay attention, because you have some who will spew about how the world would be a better place without them-this comes as their various failures, real and perceived begin to haunt them during this time…it’s a veiled threat of considering suicide, but not all mid-life spouses succumb to this aspect–you figure as long as he’s talking, he’ll most likely be all right, but if he becomes silent, keep an eye on him, because silence isn’t good. You want him spewing about something-because putting it on the table puts things in a whole different light, than keeping them bottled up, and allowing their already skewed perception to cause small things to become bigger things–minds have a way of “blowing” things right out of proportion.
If he begins telling you he’s a failure, let him talk this out for himself, validate his feelings, recognize where he is, while you encourage him the best you can–even if he rejects your encouragement, he is still listening to what you have to say. Of course it goes without saying you can’t fix him in the first place, but I encourage you to simply be there for him, listen to him, and lift him up–not only to his face, but also pray for him.
He also should start complaining a lot about aches and pains, his sleep patterns will become even more disturbed than before, and you’ll see him asleep more than you’ll see him awake, because deepening depression will actually have that effect on him. They’re constantly exhausted, and they can become afraid of the dark, leave lights on, television playing in the bedroom if you have one in there.
Depending on his issues, you should begin to see and hear the speech patterns of children, teenagers-and of course, don’t let it worry you if he doesn’t seem to recognize you all of the time-it’s not personal, it’s his trip through his past, and I pray that he does what he’s called upon to do, and that’s to begin facing, resolving and settling his issues within himself.
The increased aging you’ve seen before will also increase even more, as he begins to get a “preview” of what it will be like to become old-and this would also be the basis of the aches and pains mentioned above. Getting old actually HURTS-and I’m unsure why this kind of “preview” is necessary, but I went through this, too. It was a very weird experience during that time.
I’m trying to think of what else you may see during that time–I do know that hitting rock bottom won’t come about for a time after he enters Depression…however, depending on how he does, he’ll come to that aspect about halfway across this stage.
I will keep you two in my prayers, right along with everyone else. I do spend a lot of time praying for people, because this is never easy to navigate, even on good days.
I hope this helps. 🙂
((hugs))