From an older forum post (All Sermons on One Thread) written in 2002–edited for flow, continuity, and acronyms.
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when we detach completely, what makes us want to get BACK involved with our wayward mid life spouses?
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One of the biggest factors is the hope of getting a better marriage out of this ugly mess, which I’m getting now. Sure, there will always be problems and it won’t be “paradise” from what I have seen come about as he has changed, it is MUCH better than what I had the first 16 years of marriage.
But then I’VE changed, too, and know more of what I want and need out of this marriage, and I don’t hesitate to ask for it.
And there are better things out there, PLUS worse things out there-the question is, what would you find first?
EVERYBODY has problems of varying degrees-there are very few that have undertaken the journey we have gone through, and come out changed and mature(intact).
The change that comes is one of maturity-and love is there NOT because of need-it is the other way around-the need is there BECAUSE of the love. And the married couple truly becomes FRIENDS for the first time in their lives, able to lean on one other and carry each other’s burdens when needed-it becomes as it should have been to begin with.
I didn’t realize until my husband came out of his storm with all these changes that a cycle had been broken-he no longer treated me as my dad had-my changes and wound-healing had something to do with that, which, in turn evoked a change in HIM.
And yes, I like what he has become MUCH better than what he used to be. And can work with it.
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What did it feel like, from your view, after you detached?
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What he did, didn’t seem to matter as much, and his behavior didn’t affect me like it once had-before he would have upset me badly when he got angry, now it doesn’t even affect me-I usually tell him I’m sorry he feels the way he does, and just leave it at that. If he’s irritated about something, instead of automatically thinking it was my fault, like I once did, I ask him if he’d like to talk about it-if he doesn’t, I just leave him alone, and he usually comes and talks to me sometimes.
But, I don’t “get scared” that he’s planning something out of the ordinary-I’m strong enough to take whatever comes around-it was part of my changes, too. I back down enough so he knows I DO need him-this was a problem before, but I don’t get all “clingy” and “desperate” with him. It would run him off, I believe.
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Is your H a much smaller part of your life and thoughts?
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Yes, and no. He does NOT consume my life and thoughts like he once did-I DO have a life of my own or a reasonable facsimile, thereof. My life, is actually quite boring to other people-I don’t go out much and when I worked, I usually went to work, came home, did what I had to do in the house, taking care of business here on the home-front-it is much like I used to do.
I visit sometimes, but I don’t stay gone from home much-and I spend time with our son-as much as he can stand me.
In effect, I don’t do ANYTHING except what is required of me, here at home.
I spend time with my husband when he comes in off the road….
I choose to spend my time the way I see fit, and I do NOT pursue my husband for attention-that backfired on me before-so he pursues ME.
But the main thing is, I’m content with my life as it is. I’m not hard to please, and I don’t crave excitement.
I think of him quite often, but not obsessive thoughts-that is part of being detached from him.
I love him, but he is not a means to an end, either. If he left me tomorrow, with the lessons I’ve learned, I would understand it was NOT me, but HIM.
And so, the cage door stays open-he can choose to leave ANYTIME he wants to, but so can I, and he knows this.
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Reconnecting with our Husband would not end our journey because they are the reason we are on it and changes need to be made to continue on with them. We cannot go back to the way things were, the old Marriage is dead. If we were to hook up with someone else, they would be wanting us for who we are now and we would not feel the need to change/grow and we wouldn’t. Thus ending our journey. In fact to find someone right now and hook up with them would validate in our minds that we don’t need to make any changes because we are “wanted” by someone just the way we are.
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She is correct, S&A. Reconnecting with my husband did NOT stop my journey, as evidenced by my posts concerning this journey we are on.
We will continue on this journey long past the “changing” stage, where our changes will be “tested” over and over again, until they are in place permanently.
Only then will we be allowed to “move on”, forgetting the pain, but remembering the LESSONS, we were taught.
And we won’t do that until we learn EVERY lesson we are given to learn.
I discovered there was ONE MORE THING I had to learn besides the basic life’s lessons, and I went on to learn ONE final lesson, ONLY THEN, have I begun to “move on” with my life.
I learned not to gripe and complain, and the reason why I shouldn’t-as it does NOT change anything, and keeps the original problem alive and well, getting me “stuck”.
And, in essence, I am finishing my journey in tandem with my husband-because I started on this journey BECAUSE of him in the first place.
The growing HAS to take place and the changes HAVE to be made, otherwise, you will recycle what you didn’t learn another time-and that trial might be much worse than what you are currently going through.
I was shown that while in this-and thinking I wanted to escape it-but I couldn’t if I wanted to come through completely and keep my marriage, too.
Besides, I loved and still love my husband with the SAME unconditional love I always had, this time, though it’s GOD’S LOVE I love him with, as my human love would NOT withstand what I was going through during that time.
I had ALWAYS loved him unconditionally, no matter what, and he was unable to accept that in the past, always “setting me up” to reject him, which I NEVER did.
I was not given this understanding in ONE day-it came over months of growing and changing, and being willing to listen and learn, opening my mind to what the Lord was showing me.
He showed me a great deal about my husband AND me, plus what led up to his mid-life crisis.
I was able, then, to understand the “whys” and “hows” of this whole trial.
And some of it, I got at one sitting-some came trickling down a little at a time, when I could understand better.
And, like I’ve posted before, I knew what the OUTCOME of this was going to be, all I had to do was walk the journey, making the necessary decisions to get there.
I was one of the blessed ones, who knew from the start, and I asked why the Lord was so willing to show me to outcome-and it was because I had always been obedient to Him in ALL things.
He also said the marriage was meant to be, and meant to go on, as He had put me and my husband together in the first place-and of course this was done for a reason-we both had things to teach one another that would take a lifetime to learn.
There was hope as long as I still loved my husband, and I came on through with him, obeying ALL I was told to do-and each time I was given instruction, I was told the outcome, but it was up to me to do what I was told to do to bring about what was to be.
I made many mistakes, and time was added because of those mistakes-and there were some mistakes made on my husband’s part-and again, time was added-we BOTH had a hand in lengthening this.
But that time was necessary to make sure the lessons held, and I accepted that-I had to.
Many times I got disgusted and wanted to run away, my patience was being developed during this trial, and everything that happened, increased my patience-it was the gift I was most lacking in, so therefore, my trials to develop Patience were the worst.
But, the Lord was AlWAYS patient and long-suffering with me, letting me know all the time, that it was up to me to stay or leave-and reminding me of what would happen if I did.
No, I didn’t stay because of the Lord, though I was obedient to Him in ALL things-I stayed because I loved my husband and was willing to forgive him, and help him rebuild our lives together.
I have been married all my life, and my husband is, in spite of what he put me through, a good man, and I know I could NOT do any better than him-he has always taken care of me, we both have faults and make mistakes, and I know that, too.
I decided to keep what I had, knowing he DOES love me dearly, more now than he ever did, and it SHOWS in a way it never did before.
And, though he said, while deep within the tunnel, he loved me just the way I was, the changes HAD to made, anyway-I don’t believe I would be married now if I hadn’t taken the time to learn, grow, and change.
Related post:
Total Detachment-Dropping the Emotional Rope
