Learning New Behaviors to Cope With Old situations

At the beginning right after emotional bomb drop, a left behind spouse may act “as if” for awhile and soon start to make genuine changes and start to grow, but for both left behind spouse’s and midlife spouse’s sake. Midlife spouse will notice the changes and start to react.

Question: are the midlife spouse’s reactions the same in both cases? Or does the midlife spouse sense the difference between the two situations and react differently in each case?

When you get to a point of living just for yourself, and no one else, the midlife spouse’s reaction/response isn’t going to make any difference to you.

People who don’t like change–and the midlife spouse hates change with a passion–tend to try to put everything back the way it was, because change in any form causes discomfort.

Well, they need to become uncomfortable, because what comes around, goes around, and the midlife spouse who has caused change, actually gets change in return. Not because the left behind spouse is vindictive, but because the left behind spouse finally realizes that what used to work, no longer works, and change is needed to find something that will work–for THEM, NOT the midlife spouse.

The midlife spouse has two choices—change in response, or walk away in reaction. You’re not changing for anyone but YOU.

So, forget changing yourself, just to get them back, because that will NEVER work, and it will backfire, because change you make has to become permanent. Do not change long enough to get them back, and then go back to what you were. That would be exercising deep immaturity in yourself, plus it would be deceitful, and borrow more trouble. Just like you have to learn to accept people, including your midlife spouse, for who they are, and not what you might want them to be, the midlife spouse has to learn to do the same for you.

In the end, all people are required to grow up, change their way of thinking, being, and doing, change their old way of relating, that once lacked boundaries, into a new way of relating, that utilizes boundaries designed to protect you from being damaged further, because part of your journey involves learning what immature behavior vs mature behavior looks like, and learning to change your ways, your thoughts, and your actions to learn new life habits, and new ways to live for yourself.

It’s all about learning new behaviors to cope with old situations.

One of those is learning to function independently of your midlife spouse, because no one was ever meant to be totally dependent on another person, and we all need to know how to survive on our own if something happened to our spouse. Physical, emotional, and mental survival is important, because no person can ever be everything to everybody, and it’s a heavy burden on a spouse to be viewed in that way–as being the one who has all of the answers, etc. That’s just not what marriage was ever designed to be. You learn to solve your own problems, and if you need help, you ask for it, but try to do it on your own, first. You fix what’s yours, and push away what is theirs.

Both people have the individual responsibility for solving their own problems, and making changes within their own Selves. When changes are made, change results in both people, because the one who is triggered into change has to not just choose to accept said change, but to also choose to make an adjustment to the situation that has also changed.

To this day, I don’t have all of the answers, and my husband doesn’t either, but between the two of us, as we work together as a team, we’ll figure it all out between US…but no one person carries the whole of the burden of responsibility–this burden was made for two people–not one.

Too many of you carried that burden for so many years, and now it has to change. ((HUGS))

So, you sort through and take responsibility for yours, while, laying aside the responsibility for theirs….fix what’s yours, and push away what is theirs.

((HUGS))