Ok, this may be a question for HB, but if anyone else has any thoughts please chime in too. Scripture says there are two (that I am aware of) reasons to divorce your spouse…. Hardened hearts and adultery.
No, the scripture in Matthew, spoken by Jesus, only gives ONE door for walking out of the marriage, and that’s for physical adultery. However, the one who who was abandoned because of adultery AND the person who committed adultery are committing adultery if they marry other people.
Here are two good discussions on the subject:
Jesus on divorce and remarriage:
http://matt1618.freeyellow.com/divorce.html
The Apostle Paul on divorce and remarriage:
http://matt1618.freeyellow.com/divorce2.html
Hardened hearts are not a justification for divorce–vows are broken, but it’s not a good reason to get a divorce–that’s what the midlife spouse is doing, and you know that’s not right. Moses was given leave to allow people to divorce in the Old Testament, because of the hardness of men’s hearts, but it still didn’t make divorce right.
God created male and female, and marriage was created for a lifetime. I’ve taught on this subject for a long time–not just the midlife crisis, but on the journey as well. I keep explaining that unless you’re about to be killed, don’t end the marriage, especially if you still have love in your heart for that spouse.
Did you know that left behind spouses who walk away, get a divorce, and remarry, are not as happy as they claim to be? They say they are, but that’s not necessarily true. Do you want to know why? Because they didn’t resolve themselves, their issues, nor their marriage, BEFORE they decided to get into another relationship that is going to distract them from the journey that still lies before them. People talk a good game in public, but put them behind closed doors, and it becomes another story. Food for thought.
They left a lot of unfinished emotional business behind, they didn’t answer all of the “What if” questions that people are supposed to answer before they decide to walk away from a marriage, and possibly not return.
If you can walk away from your marriage, knowing truthfully in your heart that you did everything you could to save the marriage, and still failed, that is better than a knee-jerk reaction of anger, and entitlement behavior, getting a divorce, and getting into another relationship that is NOT going to “fix” you…and still face your inner issues AGAIN, at a later time. I also don’t condone getting a divorce just to get to money you couldn’t access before, IF you don’t have a need for it, and God is taking care of your needs. You might have to work hard for your money, but that’s how life is…we work, and sometimes work hard to support ourselves during the times the midlife spouse is rebelling like crazy.
I didn’t file for financial protection, because for one, God didn’t instruct me to, and for two, I did have a good job that more than provided what I needed…so there was no need for me to file for any reason. In other words, I did not NEED his money–I had my own, and I paid my way…as per God who provided for me as my “first” husband. Had I pulled the trigger, and got a divorce without His blessing, you better believe I would have been in for some serious consequences for walking outside of what He was instructing me to do. More food for thought.
If you don’t do the work in full, you will find another partner very similar to, if not just like the one you just left. It is something in us that chooses our marital partner, and do you know why? Because we are in relationships to CHANGE, GROW, and BECOME, what God means for us to be. That’s why God created relationship in the first place.
It’s a give and take kind of relationship that moves back and forth throughout a lifetime. It’s not for you to step on your midlife spouse when they’re down, nor is it for them to step on you when you are down. The major lesson learned is the setting of boundaries–learning where you end, and they begin.
If you’re being beaten to death, don’t walk away, run, and don’t go back, because that’s a dangerous situation. But emotionally abusive words can be dealt with through the usage of setting limits on what you will and won’t tolerate in the behavior that anyone shows toward you.
As God brought me through this first, and then a second experience, I discovered there were times of Standing down, and times of Standing up. I remained married for two reasons:
(1) I loved him more than he would ever understand, and
(2) I was committed to my marital vows, which spoke of “for better or for worse.”
Now, in 30+ years of marriage, I’ve seen my share of “richer, or poorer” “better or worse” “sickness and in health” and I will be where I am until “death do us part.” People try to twist the death part, but I can tell you that God meant PHYSICAL death…otherwise, why else would He say He put people together for a LIFETIME?
He means for people to honor their vows, and if they don’t “earn” their way out, consequences will dog their steps just as quickly as they dog the steps of the midlife spouse who has destroyed his/her marriage through rebellion. Food for thought.
You’re not trapped—every one of you have a choice–and that’s another lesson we learn. We are never where we think we’re supposed to be–we’re there because we choose to be there.
I’m here to tell you that I did NOT go through twelve years of this brand of emotional hell, just because I was so afraid that I couldn’t take care of myself, nor was I afraid I couldn’t support myself. Ladies, and gentlemen, I had an excellent-paying job, so I could live on my own, take care of myself, etc, a job that GOD opened doors and provided for me…but I also remained aware of the commitment that *I* made that governed MY marriage, MY walk with God, and MY LIFE.
When people justify walking away because “my midlife spouse did this, this, and this,” and it amounts to adultery, and emotional abuse, they have missed a solid opportunity to learn life’s lessons for themselves, AND benefit in the future from the changes that can and most of the time, will occur.
This crisis is an opportunity for change, growth, and becoming better people, more loving people, and a more peaceful people. The end result, after every bit of turmoil is gone through, is a more peaceful life. Does it mean we never fight? NO…because fighting is how we clear the air, make it known how we feel, and no, the fighting doesn’t involve screaming at each other. We are now adults, and the journey caused us to relate to each other and other people from an adult viewpoint. Food for thought.
Most of us here have experienced not only one, but both. So, I guess what I’m getting at is if there is such an open door to divorce, why would God yet not “release” us from our spouse? Why do we all feel the need from god to continue to stand for our marriage? Is it to get the lbs to where he/she needs to be before doing so? To get us in our spiritual place in need to be?
Because all of you have major emotional lessons to learn in your lives. You do find that your greatest fears will be faced, and what you value the most, you will learn to lose, and adjust to that loss. This is part of your lessons. If God meant for all marriages to end, He would not intervene, and this is where I can never explain the mind of God, except that I learned the greatest lessons of my life when I stayed within my marriage.
I watched my husband move away from me, then back toward me. We danced the proverbial jig that dictated that one or both of us were going to learn how to deal with the other within the realm of respect, regard, and learn to see, and use love as a verb, NOT a feeling.
The majority of you–even as angry as you get with your MLC spouse at times, there is still love in your hearts. Would you be happy with someone else if you were given the opportunity? I suspect that most of you, with a few notable exceptions, would say “No, I married for life, not convenience, and if I can pull this out of fire, I’ll do whatever it takes.” THIS, was MY attitude.
There were times when God instructed me, and I was so afraid of losing what had already been lost. Yet, I held great hope in my heart, because love remained within my heart. I had given my whole life to this man, and I was angry, too, because there was no reason for this, no sense in this, and I didn’t understand why I had to learn to become the Determined Stanchion, who showed so much strength in the face of serious adversity. I didn’t understand why I needed to learn how to draw him back to me, to show him love, and acceptance, because he was hurting–his hurt was different, but no less painful than my own.
The journey I took taught me to become more like God….although I’m still a human being.
With His help, I also learned not to deal normally, with an abnormal situation. You see, you can’t raise the emotional “bar” on someone whose emotional age, isn’t much more than a child, and that’s difficult to understand. But many people don’t have that kind of patience, and they often seek to speak in ways that are not encouraging toward other people. I would rather they shut their mouth than speak disparaging words to people who are trying so hard to stand.
It’s not “nonsense” when you trying to walk a tightrope, as you’re learning to set yourself and your pride aside to help someone who is broken to put themselves back together. You don’t make fun of them in a passive aggressive way, to shield your words from being easily deciphered. One needs to remember that God sees ALL things, ALL attitudes, and He will deal with those who are wolves in sheep’s clothing. You see them every day—those who think you’re not supposed to learn how to deal with someone difficult when there is more “fish” in the sea.
However, what those people aren’t mature enough to understand is that those other fish, will be worse, than the fish you’ve already caught, and are dealing with. What lessons you don’t learn, and what you don’t face within yourself, always returns back with a vengeance. We will reap what we sow.
More food for thought.
I hope I’m wording this right. I’m not saying I believe divorce is right nor do I believe it should just be so easily thrown away because one spouse developed a hard heart. I also realize that ONLY GOD knows his plan for each and every one of us. He may have one of us standing because we need to grow closer to god and our spouse never comes home. And he may have another one of us standing for a short while and our spouse returns home rather “quickly in mlc terms” completely healed with a relationship to god like never before.
No, that’s not going to happen, because two people in a crisis situation have LESSONS to learn, and no one is ever going to return “whole and healed” without walking the rest of that road of learning. No, God doesn’t “heal” the midlife spouse NOR the left behind spouse immediately, and do you know why? Because BOTH people have a road of learning still yet to walk, as each one triggers learning in the other.
God could do everything, but He will NOT do what you’re suggesting, and if someone claims that, don’t believe them….I’ve not seen one yet that this has happened with. Each one who claimed this “quick healing” was hiding something every time….and it took time for me to dig down into what was being hidden…the signs of an ongoing crisis was still there and I pointed it out. NOT because I wanted to hurt someone, but because I knew that somewhere down the road, this crisis was return again…and all I could do was warn them.
God performs marital restoration, but He doesn’t do it overnight…both people have that road of learning to walk…there is no other way to get to that point of finishing a major trial without going through it, experiencing the lessons that were coming out of it, and going into a healing process that takes TIME.
I know without a doubt my husband needs to develop a true relationship with God. I’m not trying to place judgement on him, because that is not mine to do. However, by his actions I know his relationship with God is not where it needs to be. And mine wasn’t either before he left. (It’s getting closer now… Not where it needs to be… But closer). Anyway, if anyone has anymore insight I would appreciate it.
All you can do is concentrate on yourself, walk your journey, become closer to the Lord, and let that midlife spouse go to twist in the winds of the emotional change THEY created for themselves.
There is hope as long as there is love. There is a journey that yields greater growth within your heart and soul. Anyone that feels they have no more growing to do, are hiding from themselves and from the Truth that they have covered over…..but it’s going to hurt them, and no one else.
Food for thought, and I hope this helps.
((HUGS))
