Here’s the thing I have struggled with…I don’t want to go through the divorce “process” with him. I don’t want to haggle and go back and forth with him so he can get more money/home equity that he thinks he is “owed” or more time with the kids that might not be the healthiest thing for them. Taking money from me and the kids because he couldn’t make enough on his own. Getting anger and hate from him if he doesn’t think he will get what he deserves.
Number one–the only choices you’re ever going to have is HOW you’re going to CHOOSE to respond or react to any situation that is presented to you, that obviously lies beyond your own control.
He didn’t give you any choice in the matter–he just took a minor event, a small thing, and used it to justify a major filing of divorce, making this a big deal to him. It’s all about perception that becomes everything during a major midlife crisis.
If you do nothing, he will take everything, and leave you nothing. You have kids who are depending on you to see to their needs, and take care of them. You’re not going to leave their future care to chance, so this “haggling” you’re not wanting to do, is honestly about THEM.
If it were just you, and no children, then you could do something different, but those children need you to stand for them, because they can’t stand up for themselves against a midlife parent who is determined to take everything, and actually leave THEM with nothing. He does NOT care about their well-being, he doesn’t even care about himself, and that leaves YOU as the responsible adult, who must ensure the survival of the children, as you Stand against this man’s selfishness.
He’s out for what he can get, and if the children do without in this process–his attitude is, “Oh well, pity, but I’m going to get what I want and that woman isn’t going to stop me!” He’s NOT considering the children in his decisions. He should be, but he’s NOT, so that leaves you as the “last of the last line of defense” and the one who is making a solid Stand to make sure he is forced to be fair in this process.
When you think of what he’s doing “to” you—rearrange that thinking, because this is not being done “to you”—it is actually about what HE is DOING TO the CHILDREN. The children are whom is going to pay this high price for his selfishness.
Adults have choices–children have none. So when destruction is caused, it’s committed against an adult, who has other choices they can make, but this same destruction that affects the children is done TO the children. Why is this a difference? Because children really are that “blank slate” we adults write upon as we shape their values, their morals, their growth, their sense of right and wrong, and we are in the process of emotionally “creating” a future adult, though the examples we are living out in front of our children.
So, when midlife spouses rebel, it’s being done against the left behind spouse, but it’s done TO the children, who don’t have this choice of walking away, starting a new life—they are tied to the parents, so therefore, they’re just there, and become part of the collateral damage the midlife spouse causes.
This process of “uncoupling” that your husband says he wants, for whatever reason, must be gone through in full to teach both of you major lessons about different aspects of this divorce process that your HUSBAND initiated.
What you would need to do is to simply accept this decision, set the financial boundaries needed to ensure the kind of care you would need for the children, and let God have the rest of it.
One of the emotional patterns I’m looking at within every situation of midlife crisis that involves a divorce, is the FEAR that emanates off nearly every left behind spouse who is being divorced against their will.
When it was me–and I have been asked about this–I did NOT fear divorce, but I feared being abandoned, go figure on that. I had committed the same sin of putting my marriage on a pedestal that belonged to God, and I did rectify that mistake by rearranging my priorities in a right way. God should be at the Head of every Marriage, because He was the One who bound that couple together.
There are lessons to be learned in loss, regardless of where that loss may originate from. What people are afraid of losing, they’ll be forced to lose, to face that loss, and learn what it was about that loss that actually “controlled” them.
I feared abandonment, and I had to learn what it was about that fear that “controlled” ME, and learn the lesson that came out of being forced to deal with a past issue that resided within myself. I found that I could not stand being by myself, because I didn’t like myself very much, if I ever liked her at all. I used my husband and then my son to avoid having to deal directly with ME.
Why didn’t I fear divorce? Because I already knew I couldn’t make someone stay with me if they didn’t choose to do so. I knew that if he left me and filed, all I needed to do was do what was necessary to force him to take a certain responsibility for our son that he would be trying to escape. I had the kind of emotional strength necessary to be able to survive on my own, if that became the case. I didn’t see divorce as being any kind of a stigma, a stain, or a mess on my life.
I still hold that same attitude today–with the added learning that if my husband doesn’t want to stay with me, and wishes to abandon me, I know it’s NOT about me, and I have released him more than once in this aspect. He has no emotional power over me in this area, and he will never have it, because it’s not his to wield, and use to try and control me, it’s MINE to use and wield over myself.
The marital relationship is not a means to end, it’s not the be all and end all of our life. People get too entangled in the fear of losing their marriage, when they only have half of the control of either wanting it or not wanting it to succeed…that half of the control belongs to them, while the other half belongs to the person who either wants the marriage, or doesn’t want the marriage.
When it comes down to it, if you don’t let go, you’re trying to control and manipulate that other person who doesn’t want to be with you, and no one on this Earth, not even God should seek to have “other” control that belongs to someone else.
You can only control yourself, your actions, your reactions, your responses, and that’s all there is.
He is doing what he’s doing to make some kind of point. He’s filed for a divorce, because it seems to be the only way he can take control of a life that in his perception, has spun out of control. However, remember that while he has the power of decision for himself, you also have the power of response for yourself.
I don’t agree with divorce for no justifiable reason, but not everyone agrees with me, and I accept this. All I can do is write down my .02, which will never buy you a cup of coffee, but it will get my various points across, while leaving the rest in your hands to decide for yourself.
One final point–I know it’s wrong what he’s doing, but remember that he will pay a hard emotional price for his actions. There isn’t one person on this Earth who can do wrong, and get by with it. God sees everything, and God will repay the wrongdoer, because His Word does say that, “Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord of Hosts, and I will repay.” (paraphrase)
The Karma Bus is coming to collect every one of these midlife spouses, and it will take them down the road of their own destruction, and by the time that ride is finished, they will wish they’d never gone down that road of destruction that involves divorce, entitlement, fear, and choice. ((HUGS))
