Midlife spouses use control and manipulation for the purpose of controlling their environment, including everyone within it, most especially, the left behind spouse, whom they perceive as being just as “bad” as they are. This is due to the codependent factor within the midlife spouse, who has not separated themselves from their husband or wife–and herein lies the quandary of the left behind spouse.
That lack of separation leads to the midlife spouse constantly blaming, shaming, and projecting their negative feelings upon the left behind spouse. But when they want something, they shift emotional sides to keep the left behind spouse confused. When they get what they want, the niceness disappears, and emotional war begins again on the side of the midlife spouse who is very much out of emotional control.
Get off the eggshells, stop being afraid–the world isn’t going to end, just because you displease the midlife spouse. Detachment is meant for your emotional survival, make good use of it, because this crisis isn’t going to end any time soon, and you still have a life to live. In addition, you should be walking your ongoing journey, and learning more about yourself, and your relationship as it pertains to putting God first in your life.
Although some people tend to discount the fact that forging a solid relationship with God, and creating, plus maintaining a clear connection with Godly intuition is important, as you continue growing forward for yourself, you will begin understanding more and more the purpose of the need–not want, NEED–for God to guide you on the fly.
I am not teaching these early aspects just to hear myself talk like a college professor. I share my perspectives, my experience, and all of the knowledge I have at my disposal to benefit those way behind me. I’ve lived through it. If God hadn’t helped me, and I hadn’t developed that Godly connection that became more valuable to me than anything, or even anyone, I could not have emotionally survived, much less, thrived during his time in emotional crisis.
No matter what anyone may think–God’s direct guidance is very important to have. You won’t survive without it, no one could survive without Him intervening in some way to help you. Nothing is ever left to chance when God is in the details. His Hand is in everything, and in all situations, good or bad, God will bring great good from each one. ((HUGS))
Left behind spouses get confused during the third stage of the midlife crisis, because they feel like they’ve been caught up in a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t,” emotional cycle. Yes, I used the actual phrase, because “damned” in this context actually means condemned. It doesn’t matter what you do, you will LOSE..why? Because the midlife spouse will make SURE you lose. All this drama/trouble is for the left behind spouse to continue feeding their justifications. I wrote an article one time about midlife spouses who use drama for control, and in it, I illustrated the fact that they are the Kings and Queens of drama in the first place, just to be the center of attention. Doesn’t matter what kind of attention they get, as long as it’s attention directed toward them, and they have an audience to “play” to.
For the left behind spouse who really tries to do what’s right in all circumstances, this often means getting caught up in cycles where the left behind spouse is meant to lose the most. In other words, the conniving midlife spouse seeks to positively benefit from the left behind spouse’s goodwill, while the midlife spouse also seeks to twist the left behind spouse’s mind, confuse them, make them feel guilty, and say that if the left behind spouse wouldn’t do this, the midlife spouse wouldn’t do that. That is a classic manipulator’s move, but it’s also a mind game that the left behind spouse needs to sharpen their skills in, and learn to recognize.
It’s time to begin really sharpening your minds, and though you may be gentle as doves, this is also the time to become as wise as serpents. The midlife spouse does not have your best interest at heart. If you accused them, they would call you a liar, spew, argue, justify, then blame you. They are truly masters of the twisted word, and action. Most of them say that if the left behind spouse were “nicer” to them, they wouldn’t do what they do, but that’s not true, because this is pure projection on the midlife spouse’s part. Again, we know why–because of lack of complete separation from the left behind spouse.
However, here’s the deal–if you do what they say (they don’t ask, they TELL you what they ‘say’ they want), they will find some way to twist it up, take advantage of you, walk on you, continue to treat you like dirt. However, if you make a stand against them, they will find some way to twist it up, rebel against your stand, hound you until you are tired in the hopes you will give in, allow them to walk on you, and continue to treat you like dirt.
Here’s my advice:
Do what is best for you. Be true to yourself, and don’t depend on someone else to fight your battles for you. This is YOUR life–take charge of it, and take your power back into yourself. Let no one steal your peace.
No one else knows what you’re going through, except for you and God. In the end, you could do everything “right” and the midlife spouse could still decide to walk out on you, walk away from you, and you wouldn’t get what you’d always hoped for–that reconciled marriage you were so deeply focused upon getting.
However, one of the lessons we learn during our journeys is one of self-respect. Do we respect ourselves enough to stand, even if it means losing what’s left of our marriage, because the midlife spouse decides they don’t want to honor the lines we draw that serve to defend us? We are people who have wants, needs, and feelings, and in many circumstances, we don’t have to take bad treatment. We CAN stand up against it, using boundaries to protect ourselves.
People aren’t going to always do what’s right, so we determine what is right and correct for ourselves. Even if the midlife spouse throws the biggest tantrum you ever saw, destroys your house, and has to be picked up, locked up, and charged, it’s never worth sacrificing your self-respect, just to stay married to someone who will emotionally destroy you, if you allow them to.
Learn to Stand for YOU. Learn to let them go to whirl around in the emotional tornado they have created for themselves. Don’t get caught up in it–it’s not worth all that–no human being is ever worth losing your sanity over.
This is what you have to firmly entrench within your own mind. No matter what kind of emotional storm that you WILL see–not might see–WILL see–for the sake of your own emotional survival, you would need to begin looking out for yourself and your children.
If you put God first, all else will fall into place as His Word dictates. Listen to me, I know what I’m talking about. You can never win when matching wits, and skills against a smooth-talking, lying, midlife spouse. What you’ll have to do is drop the emotional rope, detaching completely, learn to view that person as a total stranger. A lot of you speak of how they’re strange, etc., but I want you to think about this, you’re allowing a total stranger that bears the face of your husband/wife to emotionally twist you in knots. And for what? So that they don’t walk out? So that you don’t “lose” them? Is sacrificing for a human being more important than your mental health?
Look, the further you travel this road, the harder it’s going to become–it stands to reason that it would. IF you’re of a delicate constitution, you will NOT survive this crisis. If you’re like Scarlet O’Hara as she was before war came and changed her in “Gone with the Wind,” you stand a fighting chance, but you are going to need to lose any illusions, any thoughts, any dreams, and any other dang thing you think to hold on to, so you can have hope for your marriage–but you’re holding nothing in reserve for yourself.
It seems like that’s all anyone can think of is saving that marriage. The left behind spouse might go insane for a short time, and have to take a rest because of a nervous breakdown triggered (not “caused) by the rebellious spouse who was out of control, and the left behind spouse was so afraid of losing them, they couldn’t seem to grow up enough to begin setting boundaries on these overgrown “kids” who call themselves adults.
If you’re going to call spade a spade, point at yourself, too. Don’t complain when you’re contributing to the problem. You do have to make up your mind to live, or die, and decide on whose terms you’re going to accomplish each of these aspects. The only guarantee we have in this life is Death, and God, who said He would never leave nor forsake us. Forget taxes–too many people don’t file, so that’s not really a guarantee–that’s a choice. However, human death, and the Judgement of God are the certainties in this life.
What is more important to you? The happiness of your midlife spouse at all costs, or your own peace? It doesn’t mean you throw them out, and it doesn’t mean that you sacrifice anything. All you need is strength, and the proper emotional covering needed to engage in battle. Which means you completely detach, and learn to see this immature rebellious person as they really are. Stop cowering in fear, stand up on strength, and let that person know, they’re not getting away with anything, set a boundary on direct disrespectful behaviors, and trust GOD for everything.
Sometimes, I really struggle with getting the message across to people whose egos are so fragile. But it’s like the Lord said–that “ego” is not going to serve you during a Major Mid Life Crisis, so you need to learn to outgrow it, and attend to the business at hand. Remember that the midlife spouse is going to always try and make sure the emotional deck is always stacked against you.
Two things they can’t argue with:
A closed mouth.
A person who is peacefully entrenched in total detachment.
You think you “have” to talk to them? Not really–that’s what email, and pen and paper are for. I would suggest you take full advantage of this, because they have such a tendency to twist things, lie about things, and documentation never hurts. It’s proof within the arena of “He said, She said.”
Always protect yourself against the antics of the midlife spouse–you are worth so much more than this. ((HUGS))
