I’ve had a lot on my mind in the last couple of days—and here we go. ((HUGS))
First off, we have each made the mistake of blaming ourselves for the problems that were in our midlife spouses for their whole lives. However, because of projection, justification, and the angry confused spewing that came out of their mouths, they influenced us into believing everything they said that was mixed in half-truths, and outright lies about our marital past.
That was devastating, disastrous, and totally destructive.
You had emotional problems of your own, but this didn’t come to light until you chose to detach, distance, and eventually completely separate yourself from the midlife spouse. These same problems helped to prompt your journey toward wholeness and healing. As time went on, you discovered quite a number of things about your Self and your past that led into becoming married to The One and Only Love of your lives.
There were major emotional roots that led back into your past life that existed long before you met this person–there was something in you, that drew your spouse to you, and you to him before the two of you were joined as One Flesh in the sight of God, who bound you together into this Marital Covenant Binding. This “something” is also known as past issues from childhood that each one of us are responsible for finding, facing, resolving and healing during our individual journey.
Your own past issues complemented your spouse’s issues, and his issues complemented your issues, making both of you a “fit” for each other at the time the two of you married. For what it’s worth, this union was NEVER a “mistake” because GOD, who orchestrates marriages on a daily basis, NEVER makes a mistake.
God has a Divine Purpose for everything He does, orchestrates, brings together, and binds together.
When you learn to love unconditionally, then you learn not to base your outcome on what the midlife spouse decides to do. It’s your choice to learn to love this man enough to understand that these are HIS choices–and while you may not agree with those choices, the only choices YOU have are to either continue to Stand, obey God in all ways, choosing to do the additional work necessary to help this midlife spouse grow when/if he returns broken–or choose to walk away, and go through consequences for not honoring your half of the marriage.
The midlife spouse destroyed his half of the marriage when he shattered his vows, but he did not destroy your half of the marriage, nor did he shatter your vows. Each of you made a promise, an individual vow, and you are held to the vows YOU took. You’re not responsible for the vows your husband/wife chose to destroy–that action is on them.
You are only responsible for your own actions, your own vows, your own promises, and what you may or may not choose to do to honor them and yourself.
Because of the Marital Covenant God used to join the couple together, no matter what happens, He does still see them as One Flesh, and what affects one, will always affect the other, UNTIL God chooses to release one or the other at His discretion. I remember Him showing me this when I was going through this trial. He spoke of orchestrating circumstances that brought us together, and then, He bound us together for life. No one forced us to marry, we did do this of our own free will, which made us each responsible for the promises we made.
That included a certain promise of staying for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health until death did us part. Now, people do try to twist the “death” part in many ways, but God meant PHYSICAL death…no other kind of “death” would apply in this circumstance.
A lifetime of living with someone within the state of marriage is the main emotional vehicle in which ALL of our life’s lessons are to be learned. It does take two to do quite a number of things, that one person can’t accomplish on their own. That’s IF both people in the marriage are willing to stand firmly through the storms of life that are surely going to come and try to tear that couple apart.
I saw so many emotional storms that threatened to knock me down, and even take me out, when I was walking this road. Those individual storms, that I emotionally survived, served to set the stage to help me learn how to do the additional work necessary to help my husband come through. I became most able to do this, because I grew first, learned my lessons first, and was equipped to help my husband when he turned back still broken.
Had I not grown first, learned first, and accomplished enough of my journey to build the emotional strength necessary to finish growing with him, I could not have helped him. However, before I could begin to understand that helping him was going to fall upon my shoulders once he turned back toward me, God gave ME a major attitude adjustment–I was a very stubborn and angry person. I still know, and remember, how I used to be, and I am glad I am no longer that person.
While it’s true the midlife spouse is responsible for their own work, the left behind spouse becomes responsible, through their own work, for being a help to the midlife spouse once they return broken. It’s a major part of what we signed up for when we married–for better OR for worse, remember?
Of course, you don’t have to accept the committed sin of another if you don’t choose to, but as I was taught, and I pass this teaching on in as many ways I can, everything can be forgiven, overcome, and transcended through trusting God to help you learn how to forgive, overcome, and transcend many things.
Bearing compassion for any person’s pain doesn’t mean you condone their sin. God has compassion for us, but He doesn’t condone our sin, either. He helps us by working to convict the heart–the rest is up to us.
The Bible says in
Galatians 6 vs 1-10 King James Version (KJV)
1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
3 For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.
4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.
5 For every man shall bear his own burden.
6 Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things.
7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
10 As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.
Each midlife spouse will have to prove themselves, through time, patience, and growth on their own part. It’s the same for the left behind spouse, who is walking this same journey. However, the main difference between the midlife spouse and the left behind spouse is the emotional AWARENESS the left behind spouse contains, vs. the emotional UNAWARENESS the midlife spouse shows.
God works within that clear awareness within our Self, to help us learn the lessons needed to help trigger the growth within the midlife spouse. If we don’t learn, they won’t learn, and the situation will cycle, because no matter what anyone might say, these journeys are connected, taken at different times, and since the couple is bound together by God, full separation that might lead the couple into a final break isn’t easily done, nor accomplished.
God’s Word does say that it’s better not to vow, than to vow and break that vow. This isn’t just about the midlife spouse, it’s also about the left behind spouse, and that “soulmate” connection between those two people, won’t break. It’s God-created, and God-strengthened, and if a person runs, they can’t hide, because their problems, and the torment associated with those same problems will follow them. New lives won’t fix old problems, because the only person you can’t run and hide from, besides God, is your Self, and that is where the problems originate–within YOU.
Everybody has crossroads to face, that lead into the choices they will make. We do choose for good or for evil, then move forward into a place where we will live out the consequences of those choices.
We should learn to help bear the burdens of others, through a clear show of love and compassion for their pain, while keeping ourselves held to a higher standard. However, God didn’t mean for us to leave our brother(or in this case, our midlife spouse) in a ditch, and refuse to lend a helping hand to help them get out. They may refuse this assistance, but you should not refuse to offer it–because it’s the right thing to do, and is a major part of Do Unto Others.
There are many things we will go through individually, so we can learn to contribute more fully to our marriage during those tougher times that will test our vows to the max.
You really can help someone without becoming drawn in yourself. It’s all a matter of guarding yourself carefully during those times of extending help, one to another.
We are fully aware that the midlife spouse will reap what they sow, but this is where we also should learn to love them enough to release them into the hands of God, to do His Work in their hearts. We are not in a position to put conditions upon our love…and if we do, we don’t love as God does.
If the midlife spouse didn’t return in a broken state, the left behind spouse would not learn how to help bear their load. Standing is not for the faint of heart, nor for those who think to avoid their own journeys in part, or in full.
The only choices YOU will ever have in this trial is to choose to Stand, or choose to Walk….these are the choices that are going to make or break YOU. The rest is not in your hands–it’s in the hands of your wayward midlife spouse, and in the Hands of God.
Walk your own road, and stop thinking that what he does is going to determine how the marriage may, or may not come back together—there are things you need to do, too–the midlife spouse is not all alone in this.
BOTH of you had contributions to the breakdown of your marriage, and each one of you will be responsible for the work you choose to do or not to do to help yourselves become better partners in a new marriage, IF it should come to that.
But, to put the onus on your midlife spouse for everything that went wrong, before and after the breakdown of your marriage is extremely unfair, because you do have a part, too.
It took the two of you to arrive at the point the marriage was destroyed, and one to say or do the act that does it. However, one person, with the help of God, can do the work necessary to help bring the marriage back together, and help navigate it into calmer waters. I know, because I’ve done that, too.
When it comes right down to it, there is NO “US” right now—there is only the making or breaking of the midlife spouse as an INDIVIDUAL, and the same is true of the left behind spouse.
HIS midlife crisis has NOTHING to do with you, or the marriage, and everything to with the midlife spouse who is in heavy rebellion, and consumed with Self. No one, and nothing else matters…
No midlife spouse ever does anything “to” the left behind spouse–that’s all about the perception of an adult, who is steeped in self victimization. People sin against one another, but they don’t do anything “to” one another. Small children are an exception to this rule, because they don’t get the same kind of choices adults get. Adults can walk away, children can’t. Adults can rebuild their lives, children can’t. Children have to do what they’re told, go where they’re told, and everything that happens in this life, doesn’t just affect you, it affects your children, too…right down to divorce.
People can come up with every excuse in the world that concerns their children, but if those children had a choice, they would want their parents together, fighting or not. Small children don’t understand the intricate details of two people, who are supposed to be grown adults, who aren’t looking at a bigger picture.
Where does this leave the children? In a place they didn’t ask to be in, had no control over, and certainly no say in this circumstance. All those children know is their parents are separated, don’t seem to love each other anymore, and this doesn’t make much of a case for marriage.
It sets the stage for brokenness to happen in those children in future generations. It’s also something to think about and consider for the left behind spouse who thinks to divorce for any other reason than to protect the financial health of the family from the midlife spouse who is stealing all of the money, and driving the family toward bankruptcy.
BOTH people in the marriage bear equal fault for failing to try and keep the marriage together when a divorce is supposedly amicable. That’s why you don’t help the midlife spouse with the work necessary to get a divorce IF they say they want one. You don’t want to suffer their consequences with them. IF you help them, you’re enabling them, so don’t do anything, but keep that responsibility on their shoulders to bear while taking steps to protect yourself.
This does not include left behind spouses who are divorced against their will. They don’t bear any guilt or consequences for the sinful actions of their midlife spouse. All those left behind spouses really need to do is determine what boundary-filled actions are necessary to protect the family from financial devastation. Food for thought.
IF the midlife spouse fails to do the work within Self, that’s on him, but it has nothing to do with your relationship, or lack thereof. The only choice YOU will have is to continue to Stand, or choose to walk away from that relationship, bearing in mind that your journey needs to continue.
Don’t confuse a couple in a relationship with the single person who is dealing within a totally individual crisis. The left behind spouse can learn to deal with the situation, but these journeys are the responsibility of each individual person. Each person bears sole responsibility for Self….this isn’t about “US” in a relationship—this is about “I, and Me” as defined through individuality.
Both of you have choices, true—but right now, all concepts of “us, we, and ours” have been completely destroyed, so there is only “I” and “you” at this time.
Relationships are secondary to Self—IF Self can’t figure itself out, resolve itself into maturity, and learn how to build a healthy relationship within Self, then there is no way that same Self can learn how to build and maintain a relationship with another person.
The only way the midlife spouse can learn more about the aspects of a healthy relationship is to learn by association and observation. That was how my husband had to learn, by associating with me, seeing the example that *I* set, and he observed and learned, as I lived by example.
If we are unwilling to accept the broken husband or wife that has sinned against us, then what work we are doing outside of the home for other people is false, because charity begins at home, not in the street.
There is no reason to treat people we are not married to, are not a part of our family, and bear them no obligation, so much better than we treat our husbands/wives who are in emotional crisis.
I have learned that lesson, too…and I learned it the hard way, as people like me are most likely to learn it.
I’m all for letting the midlife spouses fall on their faces, because that’s how they’re going to learn, but to abandon them at a time when they need help the most is truly unacceptable. There was a reason that God directed me to treat my husband with compassion, because he was hurting, he was confused, he was in an emotional crisis, and he deserved to be treated with love, accepted for who he was, not for what I thought I wanted him to be. Most of all, he deserved compassion, born of God, that doesn’t turn the needy away, nor turn out those who are hungry. I disobeyed God in the area of failure to develop compassion, and paid a hefty price for that on my part.
People often refuse to take the time to walk in the shoes of a person who is hurting, because, in their minds, as long as it’s not happening in/to them, it doesn’t seem to matter. However, that’s the same kind of wrong thinking that I once had.
Believe me, I changed that line of thought in a hurry. My thinking changed so drastically because what happened in my husband, also happened in me when I went into Transition. The emotional pain is unbelievably hard to bear, difficult to describe, and the feeling is as if someone has taken an ice pick and is scratching the inside of your chest cavity. Until the issues begin settling, the pain will not stop, and it’s difficult to deal with. It was the best way in the world for God to get my attention, and teach me a lesson in compassion for others who are in deep emotional pain.
Learning about how God deals with situations doesn’t mean a person becomes a doormat to be walked upon. Being a christian doesn’t mean it’s OK for people to treat you without respect. Even God has boundaries, and He will teach us about His Ways, if we’ll allow Him to. You can Stand for the Truth without sacrificing yourself.
People may take what you say in a way you never intended them to take it, but that’s about them. It’s never what you say, it’s how a person chooses to receive it, or reject it. When your intentions are pure, God knows the heart, and blesses the effort. But, if your intentions are tainted, God won’t touch it, nor will He bless it. Only you can determine what your intentions are, and deal with God for yourself. ((HUGS))
There is merit in Standing in a committed, and loving way, because God never forgets the faithful, blesses the Stander, and He is there with and for you, when no one else is, or will be. As long as you put God first, everything else will fall into place as He Wills it, but you have to be willing to stand back and let it happen, or the situation will cycle in a negative way because of choosing to jump ahead of God and interfere. Been there, too.
Food for thought.
