Note from the Author: This particular article was drawn from a forum post I had written previously. It is edited for context and continuity, and is meant to complement the prior article, “The Children of the Mid-Lifer’s Issues.” As an added note, I never write about anything I have not already seen before.
The “children of their issues” is a very real spiritual aspect, that I remember seeing when I was dealing with the Mid-Life Crisis. These same “children of their issues” are also the basis for their acting out, total rebellion, and these bad behaviors literally cry out for behavioral boundaries.
When I speak of behavioral boundaries, I mean, rebellious behavior that affects you directly. Just a FYI, and something to cover at another time, the mid-life affair does not fall into that category.
The “child” is the one that starts, and maintains the affair during Replay, yes, but until that same affair runs its course, there is nothing you can even think to do about it.
My suggestion is to target the behaviors that are going to interfere with the financial support of your family.
In addition, target the clearly disrespectful behaviors (such as cursing you and calling you names, some forms of angry spewing, or even trying to hit you because they are not getting their way), learn to set boundaries on those, and trust God with the rest. ((hugs))
I am also going to advise you to stop asking the person in crisis for anything that represents any kind of responsibility. This represents “pressure” not to mention that is scary to them at this time.
This brings up a real fear within them that is masked by what they will tell you. Back off in that aspect. Work on being friendly but distant; let them come to you, when and if they want to. If you go to them, it is seen as “pursuit,” and/or, trying to control and manipulate them, never mind the fact they are trying to control and manipulate you.
They do not want any responsibility hanging over their head, whatsoever. It is like the teenager/kid who hoards “MY” money; and does not want to spend it on useful things; yet, will blow it on “junk.” The adult priorities are not there within the teenage/kid state of mind that shows clearly.
The teenage/kid state of mind is evident again, when they tell you their life is none of your business. The person in crisis is in full rebellion against you, their spouse, their life as it once was that carried so much responsibility, and they are determined to go their way, regardless of what you think or even say.
In order to attempt to back you off, they WILL spew, and heavily.
It is actually good for them to spew, as this helps to bring the anger more to the fore, and spewing will work as much pressure as possible out of them. Anger will oftentimes bring clarity, if you can take what spews outward.
Hopefully, as they process, they will think more clearly about everything they are doing. This will not happen overnight, as it takes time for the anger to work itself out of the person in crisis, but what begins must end at a later time. How long, I cannot say; it is up to them, and no one else.
Their defensiveness concerning their actions is evident of being afraid you will try to stop them from doing what they want to do. Never mind that if you even tried, they would figure out another way to accomplish what they want to do.
It’s a waste of time to try to stop anything they set their minds to, because they will do what they think they need to do, when they think they need to do it.
Therefore, you learn to let them go to bang their head hard on the ground/floor/concrete/brick wall. Maybe that will also help knock some sense into them, eventually.
It is not uncommon to see moments of clarity within the madness you will see, and the angry spew they will spit out. If you take the time to really listen, and “sort the garbage” the person in crisis will spew, or even speak, basic truths, as they know them to be.
If you will really pay attention, you will always know where they are, and where they stand within their ongoing mid-life crisis.
On the other hand, sometimes their spew will contain truths about you, their spouse. You will know, and recognize these statements, because they will “sting” of truth. These same truths will be something you will need to examine within yourself as part of The Journey to Wholeness and Healing, once you can get past the hurtful implications these will bring to you.
The “children” of their issues will appear off and on, all during the mid-life crisis. These do not always stay in residence, contrary to some arguments I have seen/read before. If they stayed in residence constantly, the person in crisis could not function at all, so, they make their appearances irregularly. You will never know when you will see one “pop” into the picture.
While a “child” is in residence, the person in crisis is unable to learn new things, has trouble with even the simplest of jobs, and is more likely to ask for help, even if it seems they are not going to take the help they have asked for.
On the other hand, please be advised the children of their issues that appear within them, do not do so in chronological order. For example, one time you may see a young child, the next time, you may see a teenager; and the next time, you may see a “child” that would be of an age between the young child and teen.
Since the “children” are also various fragmented pieces within their main issues, part of the aspects that surround each individual issue, they are broken down further into manageable parts and pieces. The person in crisis will face each one as they have the strength, and the inclination, to resolve each one as it comes up to be seen.
Some of these same “children” sound like broken records, on a constant refrain, as they continue bringing up the same things, repeatedly. What they really want is validation for their feelings, as they are truly victims of their not-so-recent past. Though it might not seem important to you, it is important to recognize the despair and deep depression, you will see within them.
However, just because they’ve suffered in this fashion, there is no reason to allow them to use you as a doormat on which to wipe their emotional feet. You can be compassionate and empathetic, without allowing your mid-life spouse to destroy your self-respect. This is where firm, and loving behavioral boundaries should be exercised on your part. Once a behavioral boundary is set, your ground should be held within this area.
They will become angry at first, because no person wants to be told NO, no person wants to grow up, and no person wants to be told what to do, nor held accountable within this respect. Yet, like children/teenagers, there is that subconscious crying out for an emotional fence, and/or limits that should always be set upon bad behavior. Until they realize you’re not backing down, they are subject to throwing fits, escalating their behavior for a time, often trying your patience to the max.
When the person in crisis realizes you’re not going to back down, they are faced with one of two choices: Honor the boundaries/limits set, or choose not to honor these and walk away. There is no reason for allowing continued disrespect on your part, so, learn to overcome your fear of losing them (they are already “lost” to the mid-life crisis), and learn to make a solid stand upon the foundation of your own self-respect.
Once each “child” is resolved, another “piece” is fitted into its proper place, and the “child” in question is not seen again. However, as long as there are issues remaining within the person in crisis, you will continue to see various “children” coming forth to be dealt with.
What they will face, and the way they will face, depends upon them. This aspect of facing their various issues is as individual and unique to each person, as the crisis is.
During the Mid-Life Crisis affair, based on all I have seen, I sincerely believe that the ‘replay/relive/redo’ behaviors exhibited during this particular aspect have much to do with correcting past emotional errors or mistakes with their “parent” or “parents.”
I further believe that if the act of sex (that the affair partner can and will tempt them with to try and keep them), occurs, the “child” within is traumatized further. As a result, their behavioral problems become even worse, as they then begin to struggle with this “fall out of grace” that most had not intended to happen, but it did, and the struggle within intensifies as further destruction of their already damaged character occurs.
Make no mistake, adultery is wrong! I do not condone this act, even as I continue explaining the “whys and hows” as I have come to understand them. However, nothing a betrayed spouse could do in retaliation, can be any worse than what the person in crisis has done to themselves in the way of emotional damage.
As a matter of fact, the person in crisis usually isn’t looking for sexual contact in the first place (unless their mid-life crisis includes a sexual complication/sexual addiction). They’re looking for an emotional connection, but because Satan really does get involved, their fall into temptation takes them further than they ever wanted to go, and in the long run, it will cost them more than they ever wanted to pay.
These “children” also have a tendency to appear as the opposite of what they were in personality when their damage was done, and so, most of the time, you will see deep rebellion. Some of the children you see, especially the very young ones, will show more hurt than anger.
However, the older children and teenagers will be more likely to show deep anger, and even rage at the wrong, or a series of wrongs, which were done to them. You will see acting out in the form of tantrums; hear angry emotional outbursts, that will not make any sense to you, unless you know your Mid-Life spouse’s history.
There were many things a Mid-Life spouse can say that are related to his, or her childhood, but these can be spewed directly at their spouse. At times, it may seem AS IF the spouse had been the one who had hurt, or otherwise damaged, the Mid-Life spouse during childhood.
These times will come especially as the Mid-Life spouse is exhibiting the behavior of one who is viewing the spouse as a stranger, someone never before seen in the Mid-Life spouse’s life. However, of course, the “child” would not know or had ever seen the spouse. These are the times when the Mid-Life spouse would be “reliving” a time within a place in his or her life, before they ever met their spouse.
When the child-like behaviors appear, pay particular attention to the eyes, as these are the “windows” to the soul. When very small children come forward, you will see the wide-eyed innocence.
When viewing older children, you will still see the wide-eyed innocence, but it will be “mixed” with the rebellion of one at that age, that is clearly ‘daring’ you to do something about their behavior. When it is teenagers, you will see the “harder” look of one in either near total, or complete, rebellion.
Their speech and behaviors are usually dead giveaways to guessing their ages, most especially you who are, and have been parents. The phases of development are not hard to see if you will allow their actions to bring forth past memories/aspects of your own children’s developmental years.
It is during these “revisited” childhood times, and during any “revisited” time BEFORE you had met the person in crisis, that you will clearly see they do not know you. There will be no recognition in their eyes for you, and that will completely amaze you.
To explain this in another way, you will be seen/spoken to/regarded as, a total stranger. In this state of mind, that you will learn to detect within them, you would be just that. Their mental “life” would be within a time before you were ever known, or even existed, for the person in crisis.
Their time of “reliving” their past is akin to emotional “time travel,” only it takes place within the mind. The human mind is a complicated organ that is subject to various chemical changes that anti-depressants really would help. However, since the person in crisis does not want or wish any help, they will not go get them, nor will they take them.
The person in crisis, during this time in early childhood, is not capable of providing proper care, much less, emotional support. They are in within a time of redevelopment within these aspects.
Bear in mind that that most of them cannot be trusted with the care of young children; this is simply because they are not much more than “children” themselves during this mental and emotional time.
A word of advice: Do not allow your compassion for the emotional pain of the Mid-Life spouse to get in the way of what you must do to protect yourself, and take care of your own children.
God has compassion for us, but He will allow us to experience consequences for our actions. Good or bad, it will always return unto us as we reap what we sow; this aspect is not any different for the person in crisis.
If you step in and try to protect, or otherwise help, your Mid-Life spouse, you will be the one who reaps in place of the person in crisis, so, step back, let go, let God have him or her.
Reaping their own consequences is the only way they will learn their lessons. Just as a child in growth must learn from their mistakes, so must also the person in crisis needs to be let go in a similar way.
You really cannot discipline a person in crisis, as you would a wayward child, so the only aspect left is to allow them to fall upon their faces and hard.
Trust the Lord for all that comes. Learn to pay attention to your gut feeling, otherwise, known as your Intuition, (the still small voice that never shouts), and allow it to guide you more effectively within this particular aspect.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Much love,
HB
